Page 3 | Getting annoyed by friend not being resiliency

Heneryhoover · 2024-10-22T08:41:22+00:00

Okay I’m going to start by agreeing I am unreasonable but i need to rant. I have gone through my fair share of sad times in life think SA from 3-14, ran away then sold by another man then abusive relationship a child who nearly died at birth moved to safe houses and currently tempary housing. now I’m nearly 30 and also dying this time I got a degree and I believe I would be described as happy easy going … my friends many late 20s come to me crying a lot almost always with suicidal ideology due to small reasons such as a breakup or argument with partner. Many of my friends have lived “normal” lives obviously weigh some issues but nothing long lasting many being in good jobs and have good family support. now I am starting to get annoyed with the way many of my friends will expect me to sit on the phone for hours at night talking them out of suicide because their man has liked a girks picture on instagram or their ex is out in town and they have seen through socials. i was the biggest believer in you can’t compare truma but I’m starting to think how are they functioning adults when the smallest thing seems to set them off. Also this isn’t just 1 or 2 of my friends I have had this with maybe 10+ friends this last year male and female and I’m starting to think why are people so non resilient. I think I may get triggered as after my son was born I jumped out of a window when I was struggling with postpartum psychosis and I wasn’t texting or ringing friends but due to the worry I wouldn’t have helped and they have killed themselves I have lost so many nights sleep trying to help friends. has anyone else experienced this and how do I fix my compassion because I am starting to find it more annoying then I have empathy for at this point.

malificent7 · 22/10/2024 12:17

To reframe it...you have bern through so much and yet people clearly like you. However, the constant dumping is unhealthy. Distance yourself.

Lovelysummerdays · 22/10/2024 12:25

LadyQuackBeth · 22/10/2024 10:24

They are not suicidal, they've spent too much time on-line surrounded by hyperbole.

One of the lines I use with this kind of friend, is to say "I don't think this is helping, put your phone down and go and have a bath/rest/relax." Then just say things like "you are winding yourself up, stop now and see how you feel tomorrow." You can actually help them by providing perspective in this way, more than just sending endless reassuring platitudes. Don't try and engage with them about the (non) issue, instead just focus on their reaction and feelings.

However, I don't agree with the sentiment: "If you broke a leg and they twisted their ankle, it doesn’t make their pain any less." We don't give out morphine to people with splinters, even if they cry, there is an objective measure of pain as well as the subjective reaction. I would be perfectly comfortable saying (if they'd had a fall) that they were lucky to get off with only a twisted ankle.

I feel like this is really helpful. It’s better not to feed into the drama. I think you need stronger boundaries too. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

I’m very resilient, I don’t tend to talk or complain just keep going. I do sometimes wonder how some people get by sometimes as there seems to be a lot of fragile people out there. One woman used to cry in the loos all the time at my last job. Not in a cubicle but at the sinks so you had to be kind and sympathetic, boyfriend issues, friend issues, work issues, parent issues. It was just endless.

AngelinaFibres · 22/10/2024 12:28

There was a documentary on the Holocaust recently. There was a young woman on there who was the daughter of a survivor. She said her childhood was very difficult because of her mothers trauma. Basically the rule was that if you weren't starving and in danger of imminent death then you didnt have any problems. She was never allowed to express any worries or anxieties because they obviously weren't anywhere near anything her mother had suffered. Everyone is allowed to have worries. It's not a competition.

stayathomer · 22/10/2024 12:29

Personally I think you are being totally unreasonable because you’re thinking’just over a man’ - but you don’t know the connection they had, you don’t know what that person was to them or what they hoped would come from the relationship. Don’t be there for then if you want, but don’t minimise their pain either

stayathomer · 22/10/2024 12:32

Ps when my dad was dying and on so many drugs, barely walking, having delusions, incontinent (still a positive legend I have to add, still trying to hold us up!) he got a little cut on his finger. Tiny. And it was all he talked about- ‘if this would go away, things would be so much easier’. Sometimes it’s the straw that broke the camels back!

Naunet · 22/10/2024 12:32

AngelinaFibres · 22/10/2024 12:28

There was a documentary on the Holocaust recently. There was a young woman on there who was the daughter of a survivor. She said her childhood was very difficult because of her mothers trauma. Basically the rule was that if you weren't starving and in danger of imminent death then you didnt have any problems. She was never allowed to express any worries or anxieties because they obviously weren't anywhere near anything her mother had suffered. Everyone is allowed to have worries. It's not a competition.

My mum was like that and she didn’t have any trauma. Don’t tar all survivors with the same brush please, Op doesn’t sound remotely lacking in empathy.

Alina3 · 22/10/2024 12:39

They are using you for emotional support because you're good at it and will offer it. That's it.

You can easily stop this. Various options.

when someone approaches you for support, you can tell them straight 'I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I have a lot going on and can't really offer the type of support you deserve right now. I hope things get easier for you'
stop making it rewarding. Stop listening endlessly. Interrupt and start sharing your own stuff going on, if you want to be in the conversation. Stop giving endless one sided empathy. If they don't allow it, end the interaction.
'I'm not really qualified to support with this, you should speak to someone'
'I care about you but I'm feeling a bit drained lately, lots of people wanting me to support them. I've gotta go, take care'
Start making it really unsatisfying. Endless moaning 'god, you've been saying the same thing for the past five minutes straight, what are you going to do about it?' 'okay, yeah that's rough. What's your plan?'

You need to stop offering this.

I used to be like you, to the point total strangers would randomly open up and start trauma dumping on me. In years gone by I would think 'wow! They must really trust me to share like this! I must take care of them!'. Now I think 'I'm not the person for this, why are they trying to pull me in?' and don't tolerate it. I stop them and say 'It sounds rough, it wouldn't be fair of me to keep listening when I don't have the right tools to support. I hope things get better' and disengage.

You don't owe anyone being an unpaid untrained therapist and the longer you offer this the easier you make it for them to keep leaning on and using you rather than seeking proper professional help with people who are trained to support.

Original poster

Heneryhoover · 22/10/2024 12:39

stayathomer · 22/10/2024 12:29

Personally I think you are being totally unreasonable because you’re thinking’just over a man’ - but you don’t know the connection they had, you don’t know what that person was to them or what they hoped would come from the relationship. Don’t be there for then if you want, but don’t minimise their pain either

I'm not trying to minimise the pain but the situation that led to this was a 27 year old in a relationship with a girl for 5 months he cheated twice on holidays (she doesn't actually know) and they broke up about a month ago she went out on her birthday that he saw on social media and the worst of her meeting someone on this night out got so much led to my friend suicidal im sure it was a stressful situation but to be putting goodbye on all social media and then ringing frienfs to say bye seems so dramatic for the situation. I fully agree with a build up one of the worst things I went through was losing a job which was my normla when nothing else was however it just feels so dramatic and almost manipulative.

This is not the first person I know to act this way over simular . These are the situations my thread was aimed at not just someone struggling.

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MrsForgetalot · 22/10/2024 12:39

The question about why you get people jump straight to suicide ideation is an interesting one. I think the lack of taboo is part of it (our generation dismantled it for good reasons but maybe it was functioning as a safeguard too). SM created new ways to communicate, and the ability to anonymously connect with people like ourselves, and be more honest than was ever possible before. That has changed f2f communication too and brought more honesty to the surface,

I think gen x in particular bonded through music and found solace in music. Whereas younger generations can find like minded suffering online - but music followed structures, and sort of wrapped up the sadness, the online experience is an eternal echo chamber,

And there’s a deeply entrenched notion that therapy (and its weak relation talking to friends) is a magic cure. Psychologists aren’t held accountable for their products and ideas and don’t take a Hippocratic oath, and in a couple of decades this will be seen for a problem.

However I’m still going to recommend you talk to a therapist - not for therapy exactly, but for insight and practical advice about how to set boundaries around your compassion and empathy. This is what they are expert in because it’s what they need to learn to survive.

SquirrelSoShiny · 22/10/2024 14:01

Heneryhoover · 22/10/2024 12:39

I'm not trying to minimise the pain but the situation that led to this was a 27 year old in a relationship with a girl for 5 months he cheated twice on holidays (she doesn't actually know) and they broke up about a month ago she went out on her birthday that he saw on social media and the worst of her meeting someone on this night out got so much led to my friend suicidal im sure it was a stressful situation but to be putting goodbye on all social media and then ringing frienfs to say bye seems so dramatic for the situation. I fully agree with a build up one of the worst things I went through was losing a job which was my normla when nothing else was however it just feels so dramatic and almost manipulative.

This is not the first person I know to act this way over simular . These are the situations my thread was aimed at not just someone struggling.

Show quote history

I would honestly completely back off that individual in your situation. What a plonker.

SquirrelSoShiny · 22/10/2024 14:02

MrsForgetalot · 22/10/2024 12:39

The question about why you get people jump straight to suicide ideation is an interesting one. I think the lack of taboo is part of it (our generation dismantled it for good reasons but maybe it was functioning as a safeguard too). SM created new ways to communicate, and the ability to anonymously connect with people like ourselves, and be more honest than was ever possible before. That has changed f2f communication too and brought more honesty to the surface,

I think gen x in particular bonded through music and found solace in music. Whereas younger generations can find like minded suffering online - but music followed structures, and sort of wrapped up the sadness, the online experience is an eternal echo chamber,

And there’s a deeply entrenched notion that therapy (and its weak relation talking to friends) is a magic cure. Psychologists aren’t held accountable for their products and ideas and don’t take a Hippocratic oath, and in a couple of decades this will be seen for a problem.

However I’m still going to recommend you talk to a therapist - not for therapy exactly, but for insight and practical advice about how to set boundaries around your compassion and empathy. This is what they are expert in because it’s what they need to learn to survive.

Excellent post.

Original poster

Heneryhoover · 22/10/2024 20:49

FreedomDogs · 22/10/2024 10:42

To be honest OP you sound a bit resentful that they've had easier (as you perceive it) lives than you, or perhaps because you felt no one was there to listen to you when you needed it. Which is perfectly understandable but not very healthy, and it's certainly not your friends' fault for "lacking resiliency", ultimately you can always find someone who's had a worse time than you but that doesn't mean your problems don't matter or your feelings aren't valid. The problem here as others have said is you've found yourself in the position of being their unwilling sounding board and you need to make yourself less available

I had a cancer diagnosis a few years ago and after this I told myself I would never find reason to stress or complain about lesser problems again, but this is a resolution I quickly dropped. Partly because aspects of day to day life - work issues, relationships etc - are legitimately stressful sometimes and knowing others or even yourself have had it worse before doesn't actually cancel that out - and partly because it isn't healthy to bottle up stresses, it doesn't actually help you to stiff upper lip your way through everything, and actually the real lesson I've learned about my difficult experience is to be more open about my feelings and accordingly more aware of other people's. That doesn't mean you have to act as your friends' personal therapist if you're not able to do so but comparing trauma comes from a place of resentment not of resilience.

I do understand and it's not resentment I don't believe. I wish my childhood was easier not anyone else's harder it's more the suicide thing where it's so extreme over what doesn't seem like much. Not just having a moan or cry we all do that and all pain is pain it's the extreme emotion where I believe resilience is lacking.

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Original poster

Heneryhoover · 22/10/2024 20:51

SquirrelSoShiny · 22/10/2024 10:55

YANBU. I really hear you on the overuse of the trauma thing. The main thing now is to take the very good advice on this thread and really tell yourself that you are not their trauma bin to be dumped in.

Thank you. I think this was more it they know I've had issues some come to me with theirs and their emotions seem so extream for the situation.

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Thelnebriati · 22/10/2024 20:53

It might be worth exploring if you are really upset they lack resilience; or are you upset because you feel they are using you to dump on, and its not appropriate? It forces you to be the 'bad guy' and put in boundaries, and that's not fair on you.

Original poster

Heneryhoover · 22/10/2024 20:55

dollyop · 22/10/2024 11:04

I get it and don't think you're being unreasonable.

I've had a bad family situation for years and it's had a real impact on me. But I stay cheerful and grateful for the things that are good in my life. I do get annoyed with people who can't cope with minor things, or can't see how they're creating their own problems.

OP, you have been through a hell of a lot and you've still found the strength and pure life force to stay smiling. You deserve friends that share your energy and I really hope you find them. Do you know anyone who's more like this? I'd be trying to nurture friendships with those people.

I do have lots of friends and some are very easy going happy people. I even enjoy one of my mates who is a proper moaner but it's so funny after a while it's just the people that have the most extreme reactions to things almost for attention but i had such a fear I would wake up and see they did pass away that I was unable to leave it. Luckily thanks to this thread I can see I might not be helping the situation

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Original poster

Heneryhoover · 22/10/2024 21:02

fruitbrewhaha · 22/10/2024 11:43

Blimey, do these friends know your background? I think if I was struggling I would find someone else to lean on. Or perhaps they think you’re so strong and able to help?

They do due to a court case in secondary school and you can't really shake that and just living in a small area. However I think it's more just I'm available I'm a single mum who has always had fajita nights with my friends or curry nights and now I tend to be the person they call after anything it used to always be to pop over which I didn't mind but it's the having somone crying on the phone for hours that's drains me: j will be putting Boundries in place in future

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Original poster

Heneryhoover · 22/10/2024 21:05

harmfulsweeties · 22/10/2024 12:11

You're not wrong to distance yourself if you find that it's too much and you need to set up a boundary. Be less available for their calls. Cut them a little short. If they say they're suicidal-please direct them to the relevant places for support.

However, I think you're looking at this through a faulty framework. You have been through some horrific stuff and it's easy to think "why are they reacting like this to what feels like nothing to me when I've got through much worse?" but you're looking at it through your own point of reference and not theirs.

I think if you continue to look at things through this framework you will struggle to build any meaningful relationships/connections as you'll be constantly comparing their struggles with your own and deciding that they're simply not as resilient as you. Or their issues aren't as worthy of sympathy as yours.

There's nothing wrong with applying a bit of distance and laying down some solid boundaries. That would be a healthy thing. It's also sometimes healthy to remember that suffering is not pie. Just because you've suffered a great deal doesn't negate someone else's suffering or issues.

If that's the case-then no one should be allowed to complain or moan about anything because someone will always have had it much worse.

I honestly don't think anyone pain is comparable I have never experienced the death of a love one and since having my children that is my biggest fear and I couldn't even imagine that. It was more the way it's straight to suicide and they are very distressed and emotional and normally they will sleep after a few hours and pretend it never happened the next day. I thought it was quiet common in younger people (late teens and 20s) however since reading the replies maybe I have attracted the wrong crowd or let people believe I could do more then I can

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Original poster

Heneryhoover · 22/10/2024 21:06

Thelnebriati · 22/10/2024 20:53

It might be worth exploring if you are really upset they lack resilience; or are you upset because you feel they are using you to dump on, and its not appropriate? It forces you to be the 'bad guy' and put in boundaries, and that's not fair on you.

I think this is how I feel I struggle with Boundries so maybe today is when I start

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Thelnebriati · 23/10/2024 09:13

Ask yourself whats the worst thing that could happen if you start saying 'no', and you'll probably realise that you are trying to avoid conflict. But you aren't the one creating it, so the only control you have is to keep giving the other person what they want. And that will eventually put you in a bad place. People can't put responsibility for their health on to you, its not fair.
Next time they say they are suicidal say you are sorry to hear that, tell them they need to contact the mental health crisis team and The Samaritans to talk and get support from trained professionals. Then say that if they tell you they are actively thinking of self harming, you will call an ambulance out for them.
They won't be happy about it, but its the right thing to do for someone who is that unwell.