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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband hasn’t bought me anything for my birthday 2 years in a row

73 replies

Mayflower193 · 22/10/2024 08:25

Last year was my 30th birthday and my husband planned a surprise day out where he invited his best friend and partner and his brother and partner, none of my friends were invited and were upset about it when they found out afterwards. I was a bit confused at his choice of invitees but was still grateful that he had made the effort to plan something for me. In addition to that though he got me a card and wrote that he was taking me away for a weekend but hadn’t actually booked it and it was to a location we had already said we would visit one day anyway. 6 months after my birthday it still wasn’t booked and I just gave up on the idea. Fast forward to this years birthday and I woke up to a card and a bag of chocolate. He told me my proper present would be coming later on which I presumed he meant later in the day. After waiting I asked him when the gift might appear and he admitted he hadn’t got me anything… said he couldn’t think of what to get to me so needs more time to think. He also said that he planned to get me clothing but then I got pregnant so no point. AIBU to feel totally let down by this? He has a whole year to think about a birthday gift and we found out I was pregnant 3 months before my birthday. He could have literally got me a bunch of flowers or some perfume, just anything that would have shown me he cared at least a little. I’m feeling so hurt but this especially after I didn’t get a 30th birthday gift too.

OP posts:
Elizo · 22/10/2024 08:28

I’d be a bit fed up too. Have you told him how it is making you feel?

Needmorelego · 22/10/2024 08:29

Hand him a list and tell him you want at least 2 items from it.

Suzuki70 · 22/10/2024 08:30

He is relying on you "giving up" again, so don't. And do not understand any circumstances go beyond a card and a bar of Dairy Milk for his.

Dollychopsporkchops · 22/10/2024 08:30

This is not okay. Speak to him and make it known that the thought DOESN’T count. He needs to have a present by your birthday and have planned something nice.

He owes you two birthday gifts now, make sure you get them!

Gerrysmum · 22/10/2024 08:32

YANBU I would be furious, especially as its been 2 years in a row. He is showing a complete lack of thought and appreciation for you, even a day out for your birthday turned into a day out with his friends. I think you need to have a conversation about how he should be making you feel valued (starting with putting in some effort on your birthday!).

Hollietree · 22/10/2024 08:32

Is he generally thoughtless, uncaring, selfish, never puts your needs first? In which case you have a bigger problem.

Or is he a decent caring husband most of the time, just shit at presents?

Redlettuce · 22/10/2024 08:37

I always tell my husband what I want for my birthday as its hard to pick something for another adult. I'm quite fussy!!

sesquipedalian · 22/10/2024 08:38

My DH is a dear and kind man, but hopeless when it comes to presents. Some people just are. I have got round this by sending him an e-Mail with links to various things I might like - and at what I think is a reasonable price. Last Christmas, for example, I wanted a necklace, so I sent him links to three and left it to him to choose. I’m not bothered about a surprise - in fact, mostly I’m only bothered about a present because my DC, who are not his, will ask what I’ve got. If the OP’s husband is in all other respects an exemplary husband, then she will just have to overlook this shortcoming and find ways round it that suit them both.

AlertCat · 22/10/2024 08:43

Not unreasonable. Tell him that all this has made you feel that you don’t really matter to him, because he hasn’t put any thought into what YOU would like (a day out with his mates, really!?). He could make it up to you by actually booking the promised trip and also finding a gift you’ll really like as well- but don’t let it go especially as you’re pg. My ex didn’t get me a birthday present when I was pg, he said he would take me shopping after the baby was born for a new wardrobe, but he never did. He failed on the first Mother’s Day as well (but had a right cob on when- on his instructions because “it’s a Hallmark festival”- I didn’t prepare something for Father’s Day). Anyway, he’s my ex! But your DH needs to step up NOW and understand that it’s not ok to make you feel unloved or unvalued. Ever.

PrueRamsay · 22/10/2024 08:51

Sackable offence in my world. I am one of those dreadful adults who makes a huge deal of their birthday.

You let him off last year so he just hasn’t bothered at all.

Tell him how it makes you feel.

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2024 08:56

He sounds really selfish, last year was a day out for him, not you and this year he hasn't even bothered. It's not good enough.

Lemonademoney · 22/10/2024 08:57

Well it’s a bit shit isn’t it! What a disappointment

Gotosleep91 · 22/10/2024 08:59

Poor poor excuse, he's had 365 days to think.

DP did this to me on my 30th and and 6 months after I'd had our first child too.

I told him in no uncertain terms that it was fucking thoughtless and I don't care what he gets me but the point is that he cares about me enough to think about getting something more than 24 hours in advance.

He's pulled his finger out since then although I still think about that birthday and wish it hadn't happened in the first place.

AnellaA · 22/10/2024 09:01

Id find this disappointing too. Especially if I was pregnant - it’s so easy to choose a lovely gift !

Honestly some men, they love you and truly appreciate you but they don’t understand the “relationship value” of gifts.

Explain. Explicitly.

It took my dh a decade to realise that if he couldn’t think of anything to buy, a plant is always good. Admittedly, has has scaled this back to “a plant from the M&S he walks past on his way home” but nevertheless - it’s not nothing.

And he always organises something for our wedding anniversary.

I have learned to read his love language like an archaeologist scraping through layers of soil for a slight change in tone indicating a building once stood there.

If in other respects he’s a good fella then teach him by telling him “this year is like x or y for my birthday”…he can learn.

vincettenoir · 22/10/2024 09:06

ynbu that is pretty rubbish. In this situation I would send him a list of ideas (specific with links). I know it would be better if he put the thought in but I think he will only respond to a pragmatic and assertive approach.

Naunet · 22/10/2024 09:09

Well you could give him the same energy on his next birthday/Christmas and you’ll find out if is is a man who just isn’t bothered about birthdays, or if this is a man who is just not bothered about YOUR birthday. I find actions speak louder than words with these things.

Or if you think he will listen tell him how hurt you are by his lack of thought and effort. You could provide him with suggestions in the run up to your Birthday, but he needs to remember, he has a mouth, he could use it and ask you for suggestions if he’s unsure,

SweetLittlePixie · 22/10/2024 09:25

To avoid this next year start sending him links to stuff you want a month in advance.

Carouselfish · 22/10/2024 09:28

My DP has always been amazing with presents for me BUT his late mother? He never bought her a thing and left it all for his sister to organise. She's practically sainted now but he never bothered at all when she was here.
My dad has never bought me anything and despite me asking for cards and saying how much it makes me sad, still nothing.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2024 09:34

I don't know why you haven't spoken to him about the 30th birthday

Is he selfish and thoughtless in other ways?

crockofshite · 22/10/2024 09:39

Stop buying him Xmas and birthday gifts.

Stop buying his family gifts and cards 'from him'.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 22/10/2024 09:40

When it comes to his birthday, don't get him anything and just say "oh, I didn't think we were doing birthdays. Sorry!"

AndyMcFlurry · 22/10/2024 09:43

Next year plan a special weekend away with your friends for your birthday. Tell him well in advance as he needs to be home that weekend to look after the baby.

And stop doing anything for his birthday , apart from a card.

That's if you have not dumped him by this time next year .

Littlejellyuk · 22/10/2024 09:52

I always ask hubby what he wants for his birthday and father's day, as he's a comic book geek and always wants the latest comic or collectable and I wouldn't have a clue about which one is the latest as he has so many! 😆 but anyway, we always do the rule of 4 for our birthday and Christmas. Rule of 4 being....

  1. something you want,
  2. something you need,
  3. something to wear,
  4. and something to read.

Safe to say, I ask for a budget and give him a list so he can choose.
Some people are useless at gifts, so by giving them a list, they really have no excuse to go off the list really.
Have a chat with him about this and make sure you get 2 lots of missing birthday gifts, as well as a new outfit (despite being pregnant) and flowers! (Oh what do you know, that's 4 gifts right there!) 😉

AuldSpookySewers · 22/10/2024 09:52

Stop being ‘nice’ and passive. It doesn’t get you anywhere in life other than walked all over.

You’ve got a child on the way and he needs to sort out his shit and learn to plan ahead. He could do it if he was motivated enough as he clearly manages to do stuff that he wants to do. I’d have been raging that he invited his friends for a meal and then pretended it was a birthday treat for me.

You need to go nuclear and make it clear what your minimum standards are. Don’t settle for this crap as you’ll end up doing everything plus looking after a child too and he’ll swan around without a care in the world, if you let him.

My DH was rubbish with my birthday one year but after I went ballistic, he’s never let me down since. He also buys most of the birthday and Christmas gifts for others too, so I don’t need to think about that chore anymore.

Entertainmentcentral · 22/10/2024 09:56

What's he like generally? He must be very helpful and kind to compensate for this. Some very nice people just don't do gifts. Or is he just a twat?

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