Husband hasn’t bought me anything for my birthday 2 years in a row

[Mayflower193]

Last year was my 30th birthday and my husband planned a surprise day out where he invited his best friend and partner and his brother and partner, none of my friends were invited and were upset about it when they found out afterwards. I was a bit confused at his choice of invitees but was still grateful that he had made the effort to plan something for me. In addition to that though he got me a card and wrote that he was taking me away for a weekend but hadn’t actually booked it and it was to a location we had already said we would visit one day anyway. 6 months after my birthday it still wasn’t booked and I just gave up on the idea. Fast forward to this years birthday and I woke up to a card and a bag of chocolate. He told me my proper present would be coming later on which I presumed he meant later in the day. After waiting I asked him when the gift might appear and he admitted he hadn’t got me anything… said he couldn’t think of what to get to me so needs more time to think. He also said that he planned to get me clothing but then I got pregnant so no point. AIBU to feel totally let down by this? He has a whole year to think about a birthday gift and we found out I was pregnant 3 months before my birthday. He could have literally got me a bunch of flowers or some perfume, just anything that would have shown me he cared at least a little. I’m feeling so hurt but this especially after I didn’t get a 30th birthday gift too.

When is his birthday?

My DH doesn't tend to buy me anything nowadays but gives me a voucher for John Lewis and that suits me fine. He may buy me some earrings as well

In the past we chose things together

By the sound of it, DH doesn't 'do' gifts and thoughtful surprises. Quite a few people (men?) just don't. Provided he's loving and appreciative in other ways, I would either just let it go and don't make a big deal of his birthday either, or tell him well beforehand what you want and remind him to buy it. Feeling upset and wishing he'd change is a waste of energy.

If you got him socks, or just a simple gadget, card, 'gift section' of Marks & Spencers sort of thing for his birthday, then you deserve it.

If you've got him something proper, a dinner, getaway, nice jacket, power tools, etc etc, and this is what he got you, you have a case.

It all made sense when you mentioned pregnancy. ’Most men show who they are when women are pregnant.

Personally I’d walk away. If his forgetting my birthday when I’m pregnant and carrying his baby, that’s crazy, dump offence. He should be spoiling you but I’m afraid this is likely the real him. You’re pregnant and these repulsive men just get worse sadly. so just watch him. Get ready to run.

I feel sad for you. I can see your marriage from here.

Feeling upset and changing the man is the answer, baby or not. Don’t listen to this crazy advice.

You are definitely not BU to feel hurt and frustrated by his lack of consideration.
I don't agree with people saying not to get him a gift in future - two wrongs don't make a right and it probably won't bother him. It certainly won't make him more inclined to remember your birthday so will backfire anyway.
I give my DH and DC a very clear list with links as a PP as said, and they do the same for me, so we all get something we actually want and everyone is happy. I make really clear to my DH that going 'off piste' is not OK as he's given me some horrific things in the past that I cannot believe he thinks I'd like 😂 But I know it's not because he doesn't care, he just has a different way of looking at things.

My perspective really depends on whether he’s a generally a decent and considerate person or whether this is just one element of his poor character.

If the former then there is hope. Someone on here once posted about love languages and it really resonated.

My love language is receiving gifts whilst DHs is acts of service. He would genuinely do anything for me and often does, except for consistently buy acceptable gifts to mark appropriate occasions.

What I have learnt is that what is important to me: thought and care in considering well in advance what I might like, is not important to him. He does try and there have been some spectacular gifts (and fuck ups!) over the years but I know he doesn’t really get why it matters to me. He genuinely doesn’t see why I would prefer to have a bracelet he has chosen given to me when I wake up rather than going into town and choosing one together. And he thinks this because the thought of me purchasing him a watch that he hasn’t specifically chosen brings him out in a cold sweat.

on the other hand because he’s a “do-er” he’ll make me breakfast, fill my car up with petrol, pick up the kids etc to make my life easier.

So provided he’s just not more generally useless I wouldn’t write him off, that says a firm word that you expect a gift for your birthday is totally appropriate

aren't birthdays really for children?

I’m the same. (Although I always had a proper birthday as a kid).

I don’t like that the OP’s husband is lying about the present coming later though, that would irritate me.

Every year I always make sure I buy him something special, I’ve booked weekends away both home and abroad, nice clothing that he wouldn’t usually buy for himself due to cost, concert tickets etc. Last year I bought him a pair of trainers he had looked at a few months before but didn’t end up getting himself as well as a new coat. The year before I bought him a helicopter experience, some aftershave and also arranged a surprise day out with all his friends.

I’m not ungrateful, I’m disappointed at the lack of effort. He went to the supermarket the night before my birthday to buy a card, walked 2 meters to the Christmas gifts aisle and picked up a bag of chocolates. There was no thought or effort put in and considering I always make effort for his birthday and buy him things throughout the year as well as looking after our toddler and being pregnant, I don’t think it’s much to ask that he puts a little more thought in.

You're not ungrateful or unreasonable. I think you need to be very clear with him so that he is in no doubt of how is makes you feel. From experience, is you don't express your feelings in strong and clear terms you'll have this same lack of thought every year.

Arranging a day out with his friends instead of yours was pure selfishness.

He's taking the piss OP. I would either tell him what you want or ask him for the money to go buy yourself something.

I'd also be suggesting in the future you just go out for dinner together. Stop getting him expensive presents.

Its not about the money, it's the blatant lack of thought or care for your feelings that makes this a piss take.

What’s he like in other areas of life?

Match his energy. That's whats acceptable for your special occasions, same for him.

he invited his best friend and partner and his brother and partner

What a shit. He took himself out for your birthday.

What I would genuinely do is work out how much money you've spent for two years, get it either from joint funds or his account (depending how you organise it) and spend it on myself.

I once bought myself a lovely gift from exH in a similar fashion. Note ex.

Have you, at any point, told him how shit it was that your 30th birthday outing was clearly for him, not you?

I see this a lot - the man who sees his wife as an extension of himself, rather than a fully-formed human being in her own right. So, whatever HE enjoys must also be fun for her. He assumes she likes the same music, same food, wants to hang out with the same people, and of course the sex must be great if HE gets off.

Did you ever ask him why he did this, OP? Did you tell him your friends were hurt?

Put him on notice one month before your next birthday. Explain how you felt for the last couple - let him know that he has a month to come up with something special and he has several years of presents that never eventuated to make up for or you are going to start matching his energy.

Well you know the answer to this is, don’t buy him anything for his birthday.

He took you on a birthday day out with HIS friends? What a bell and.

Really really awful. Urgh. Twenty years married and still get thoughtful expensive amazing gifts from Dh.

Also it’s a bad model for your child as to how to treat those you love.

🙄