To think this is rather rude?

[123678user]

We've offered to host my in-laws for an occasion, because our home makes most sense.

We've asked everyone to arrive from 5pm on a weeknight.

Several normal responses of "yes, lovely, what can we bring" etc etc. We've replied that there's no need to bring anything, we'll sort.

DSIL's reply is "yes, I'll be there at 4.30"

AIBU to think this is rude?

This. MN is so weird. Unless there's a huge backstory I can't see why a family member can't just bowl up whenever. They can pitch in. Or just sit somewhere out of the way. You don't need to stand on ceremony with family.

Yes its rude, surely just ask 'Oh is it ok if I arrive a bit earlier because...' or 'I can get there at 4.30pm if you'd like a hand'..

Just stating 'Ill be there half an hour before the invite states' IS rude.

So what if it means the OP now knows and could get ready earlier, why should she have to re-jig her schedule to accomodate a rude person?

Reply reiterating the start time is 5, and guests are to arrive from 5 onward. If she then wants to sit on your driveway for half an hour, she can suit herself!

Could've been a typing mistake & wrote 4.30 instead of 5.30, possibly ?

Just message back saying "glad you can come, we will be home from 5 so anytime after that is fine. "

It may be a mis type or maybe she's wanting to come straight from work/event

Maybe she's thinking she can help you out by arriving early if she knows you work full time? Does she even know you won't actually be at home at that time- just talk to her.

It could be a typo.

Just say you won't be there yet. End of story. Why is this worthy of MN?

I think context is important here.

Is she someone who regularly overstep?

Could it he a typo? And she hit the 4 instead of the 5.

I'd also go with a, "Well you can arrive at 4.30 but we won't be there until 5 😉" response.

Tbh, I wouldn't have given myself such a short time frame though. I'd always give myself an hour at home (rather than 5 mins) just in case someone turned up a few minutes earlier!

Quite.

In the real world, people would just respond automatically to clarify it was 5 without thinking about it.

Yes, you're right. The crucial info about the not being home until 4.55pm wasn't in the OP. Presumably the SIL wasn't told this either.

It is quite rude for her to say she's coming earlier without explaining why.

If my in-laws sent me that message, i would know that they were trying to be helpful by arriving a bit earlier to help set up.

Yes, it seems they do. An awful lot of problems come down to lack of communication. I'm guessing she didn't put on the invitation that she wouldn't be in until 4.55pm, just like she didn't put it in her OP. But it's relevant here. Doubtless SIL thought she'd turn up early and help set up.

I’d reply with ‘ok! I’ll find you a job to do!’

VERY rude and entitled.

If she meant to ASK "would you like me to come at 4:30 to help?", she should have said so.

Of course OP, you can - and have to - tell her not to arrive before 5, but you shouldn't have to. Some people are just so self-centred sadly, you need to be firm.

Why would the OP NEED to say she wouldn't be home until 4:55?

She said come FROM 5PM. That could not be any clearer. It's ridiculous to have to justify her day and explain why after 5.

The amount of posters on this thread falling over themselves to explain why instructions wouldn't apply to THEM because they feel special is astonishing.

Lesson learn OP, next time write FROM 5:30 or from 6, so you're ready for the CF 😂

Absolutely.

And yes to reiterate the offering to help, asking to come early isn't rude, it's telling the host that I view as rude.

I've very willingly changed my working day abd shifted meetings to accommodate the evening so that it's at the most convenient time (and place, logistically our house works best for amenity and location). DH has critical meetings that day so can't get back earlier.

Fwiw it's not a party it's more a family meeting to make decisions regarding the care of a sadly deteriorating elderly relative.

But the reasons are mostly irrelevant to the very narrow (and minor I do realise) AIBU that I asked.

I couldn’t see this as rude, I assume she’s something before hand so will get there early. I also can’t get my head round you writing you get home at 4.55 and your husband 5 and you don’t mind people coming in the 4 or 5 mins between. It’s all very uptight.

if no one’s in just say sorry. No one’s in, but are you really inviting people to your home at 5 when you won’t get home till 5 mins before hand?

It's not really an invitation though. It's a needed meet up, and our house works best. It's not an ideal time for me - see tightness of timings. But there's several people in the area, and I didn't wbt them twiddling their thumbs waiting for my normal home arrival, so I've rearranged my working day so as to make it as convenient as possible for most people.

And DH will be home as soon after 5pm as he can, so it's not strictly the 4 or 5 mins that you mention.

Yes that is rude IMO, you said from 5 but if she wants to turn up and wait outside for you to get home that's on her!

Unless they thought they might be helping you set up the table, food, bar etc it's definitely rude to arrive early. But at least they said so, rather than just showing up. I've sent people over the road to the pub before when they were an hour early to a large Xmas party in my house. Nothing was ready!
If anything you should come a little late if its not a sit down meal.
But yeah, just say 'no, 5pm at the earliest please as we won't be ready before then but will be extremely busy. And please bring a couple of bottles of xyz'. Here's hoping they get the message!

She wants to be first in so she dominate the decision making process.

Some of these suggested responses here are ridiculously formal for family

If this was us I would just be replying sorry SIL no one will be home until 5 but if it’s easier for you to leave home earlier then you might want to find a cafe on the way

I wouldn’t think it’s rude, I would just assume that works best for her travel wise

Sounds like it’s going to be hard enough to talk about the topic of care without getting worked up about things like this

Depending on personality, and I suspect it’s not good as you are taking umbrage, she’s either helpful on pushing boundaries to tell you she is more important. So the choice is to say nothing and make it home for 5 and let her wait… or tell her in return you won’t be home at that time… I’m petty so I’d go with option 1 😂

I wonder was that her way that she wants to talk to you or your dh about the relative before everyone else arrives. Honestly I would just ring her and tell her that you will not be in until five. Problem solved,