To think this is rather rude?

[123678user]

We've offered to host my in-laws for an occasion, because our home makes most sense.

We've asked everyone to arrive from 5pm on a weeknight.

Several normal responses of "yes, lovely, what can we bring" etc etc. We've replied that there's no need to bring anything, we'll sort.

DSIL's reply is "yes, I'll be there at 4.30"

AIBU to think this is rude?

Say "excellent, I've got a list of jobs you can get stuck into".

Then give her some if she does.

If it was my SIL she would just be informing me that she'd be a little earlier, wouldn't occur to her that it could be an issue and wouldn't occur to me either!

But I guess it depends how close you are etc, wouldn't matter to us if we weren't ready/house wasn't ready or even if we weren't home, she could just let herself in. We're a very close family in that sense.

She is family. Why can't she come a little bit early? She might want to help set things up or avoid traffic. You made a specific point of saying that others offered help but she was to the point. Is that what has offended you? Else, it appears to be a case of making a mountain of a molehill.

Last time someone arrived half an hour early at my house I was in the bath! Everything was ready and I'd gone to relax for ten mins. DH let them in and I had to scramble downstairs.

Reply with, “That’s great news, so grateful that you will be there early to help set up for the evening. No one else has offered! Can’t believe it to be honest.”

I 100% agree!

Arriving 30 mins earlier is about as bad as it gets as you’re just in the rush time before the party starts.

Offering to come properly early to help out - and making sure and coats and bags etc are stashed away- is a bit better if you are happy with that.

But if you come 30 mins early it basicallg ends up that there’s no point when you and the house are actually finished and ready for guests. She’ll start messing things up before they’re even ready!

Does she want to start eating and drinking things before everyone else or something?

I would reply very clearly that it starts from 5 -
that’s invitation from 5 onwards.

I agree that even arriving on the dot is rude.

This. Shes probably coming on the way back from school ŕun or woek ...so you expect her to hang around outside before you deign to let her in?

Any hanging around is totally up to her.

I'll be home about 4.55 pm - I'll leave work an hour earlier than I normally do to accommodate a few people who'll be in the area, save them hanging around till my normal home return time.

Dh will be back just after 5pm. He's never normally home till 7.30pm on a Friday.

I'm happy for others to arrive before DH.

None of the above is the issue,the AIBU is wrt the rudeness is being told that someone is arriving before the invited time. She know we both work full time.

And yes, it's been clarified in the InLaw Group chat that the event is from 5pm.

Just reply and say yes please you can help me (with food prep table laying hoovering etc)

Just reply 'well you can - but we won't be home by then!'

I think you are reading too much into it unless she has a habit of doing this. Probably just need to clarify after 5

Yes it’s rude not to respect what someone has clearly said is start time. Those minutes before a party are usually full of last minute jobs or getting yourself ready and I hate people arriving early then wanting sorting out. Just come with everyone else and let the hosts have a space to prep.

Surely in that case then OP could simply tell her SIL that she won't be in, although if you are hosting people do you really dash home at the last minute? Honestly, how people find these simple things so difficult is beyond me.

Yes, quite often when hosting people for the evening I’m out immediately before they come doing the horses for the night so I don’t have to go back out. Or other necessities! I don’t spend the hours before the start time twiddling my thumbs. I have shit to do from morning until night like a lot of people.

I don’t find any of it difficult- but as I said before, I was raised to know the etiquette for social events, and being early is just something I don’t do.

If you aren't there until later then it's only her own time she's wasting, letting her suffer the consequences of her own poor choices and rudeness is the only way to stop it.

What @Park24 said.

I think it's socially inept rather than rude.

In the circumstances just message back and say "really looking forward to seeing you. Sorry but we can't get back before 5 so if you arrive early you might want to go to a cafe for half an hour rather than wait outside."

Rude. She needs it spelling out: No- please come after 5pm, not at 4.30.

If she comes earlier, I wouldn’t let her in. My house layout means I could pretend not to see or hear her.

If I had a party with two dozen adults and one of my children (and I’d count any children my DH had that weren’t mine in this) wanted to come earlier, then they would be welcome. Of all the things to get knickers in a twist about, this isn’t it.

That would normal my family .
I would say 5.
Some wud appear from 4.30 on .

Write back and say ' thx but we've got this - after 5pm will be perfect!

If she does turn up, let her in and carry on getting ready. She sounds as if she wants to help, not make a start on the booze.

If someone said after 5pm to me, would arrive about 5.30 ish. Or stretch to 6 if might be a long night. If its cocktails on the dot at 6 to leave at 8..

The issue is that op won't be in the house before just 5pm.

Clearly I’m in another world because my children are welcome in my house whether I am home or not and can let themselves in with either their own set of keys or from the key safe.

This is a sister in law not a child of op with their own keys. She has been told a time for a reason ( no one will be there ) and decided to ignore it.

But the point is OP KNOWS her SIL is going to be early. It won't be a case of being caught out in the bath and if she won't be home then she can tell her beforehand. It's really very simple.

I'm so thankful I don't know MNers in real life - the people I know are far more pragmatic, and I don't know a single person who would think this is such a big deal they would need to share it with random strangers.

Then she can tell her SIL that. Honestly, I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

SIL proposes arrving half an hour early, OP won't be there so she tells her that. See, it's really simple and a non issue. Do people in the UK really find it so hard to communicate???