How to make 8 yo learn to pee at break during school

[YourLastNerve]

DS is 8.
I am sick of pants coming home smelly with leaked urine where he basically avoids going to the loo at break and lunch because he is too busy playing. He then leaves it too late & leaks.

I thought maturity would kick in by now & he'd find it gross and that would make him make better choices but its not and I find it completely disgusting.

No issue with school rules around this he has plenty of opportunities to go and is choosing not to. No constipation at all.

Has anyone had this issue? How did you get them past it? At the moment i have had to say he will not get the Nintendo switch he is desperate for next birthday until it stops but its just not sinking in.

@YourLastNerve if he's holding it in after lunchtime, then he's probably having to struggle really hard to concentrate in afternoon lessons. It's going to affect his concentration and his education (as well as possibly causing a UTI in the long run). I'd be more worried about this than the smell/lack of hygiene (although they are not desirable either!).

I'd be sitting down with him. Tell him he's in the juniors now and you really don't want to have to talk to the teacher about him going to the toilet, and that he needs to start doing it himself. He will have to plan ahead. Can he go before he eats lunch? Many schools send them then to wash their hands anyway so I'm surprised that isn't happening here. That way he shouldn't lose playtime?

I think it is a fucked up world that wants to train a child to wee at set times. I am grateful mine attend a school which recognises their human right to have access to a toilet when required.

Honestly I despair, thought the days of this crap was left back in the '80s. But hey keep going sure shame always works 🤦‍♀️.

I'd check with urologist first, and secondly buy a wobble watch, it's a silent alarm watch you can set multiple times a day, make the school aware what it is and why. This worked for our lad.

Mine was allowed to use the toilet at any time. He actually had permission throughout the first few years to not ask but just get up and go as his constipation meant that sometimes when he needed to go he needed to go instantly and couldn't wait for the teacher to say yes.

Still meant he held on to his wee and ignored the signals then he'd be outside playing when he realised he needed to go and not want to leave the game so would end up having little accidents. Which sounds like OP's situation too.

Nothing to do with training or restricted access, just little boys not able to always make good decisions without a lot of reminding.

I find your approach to this awful. I can almost see you sniffing when you see him to see if you get a smell and then checking his pants and creating a drama. The present thing isn’t nice either - presents should be treats, not bribes.

Maybe instead a trip to the GP to see if there’s an issue, Perhaps tell him that he’s in charge of laundering his own pants and if he continues to do this, then his friends and teachers will smell the wee.

I agree. There isn't really a natural link between his action and this consequence, is there? They don't really match up or make sense to me.

Speak to the school, get them to remind him (them all) before break to go to the toilet and ask that he (them all) are given a 5min warning before the end of break time and directed to the toilet then.

As soon as he comes in from break time before he's sat in the classroom, have the teacher/TA ask him "did you go to the toilet?" and if not send him then.

To add lots of children of all ages don’t use toilets at school because they find them gross.

Imposing punishments around toileting is not recommended. His "wee warning" system is likely a bit messed up now and he'll need your support not punishment to get back on track.

If a child starts to withhold, for any reason, the system of the brain giving wee warnings basically, starts to break down. It involves doing some bladder training to get him right again. Look up the Eric website for this.

Also get him checked by a GP as there can be a medical reason for the withholding/leaking in the first place.

The school should be able to support him with a toileting break.

The Op references specifically the access to toilets in their post, and very sadly agrees with the archaic practice. Hence my response.

And most research indicates that children are developing urinary control skills later.

By making access not an issue you are removing the limitation which is likely to offer him an opportunity to change his behaviour as he matures. The child isn't intentionally doing this it's likely maturity which you can't she out of them without a lifetime of therapy required.

“tell his teachers to remind him to go before lunch…”

Good luck with that 🙄
grandchild of mine comes home soaking wet daily and no teacher ever seems to even notice. 🤷🏼‍♀️

“Speak to the school, get them to remind him (them all) before break to go to the toilet”

“given a 5min warning before the end of break time and directed to the toilet then.”

“have the teacher/TA ask him "did you go to the toilet?" and if not send him then.”

HOW do you get teachers to do any of this?

I’m asking because one of my grandchildren comes home every day soaking wet and no teacher ever even seems to notice even though it’s been brought up by the mum frequently and teachers have been asked to help as suggested above.

“Ask his teacher to build in toilet times for him …”

Hope you have better luck getting a teacher to do this for your son than my grandchild has had. 🤦‍♀️

Well its not foolproof no, and I suppose teachers have more than enough to try to manage without that as well. Just an idea.

The idea is good.

The problem is getting teachers to do it.

My grandchild is soaking wet every day and not one of the teachers / assistants ever seems to even notice. Its depressing.

he's behaving like a toddler - buy him a packet of pull-ups and tell him they are for school days... unless he mends his ways?

You can't force a child to go to the toilet. As a parent I can. As a member of staff, all I can do is suggest. If a child hates the toilets, they're going to say "I don't need to go" and that's that no matter how much I encourage it.

And I say this as as the mother of a year three boy (who works in his school, who has literally, and I mean just this term) stopped coming home soaking and stinking, because there's individual toilets in his key stage area. He won't go to any other style of toilets. And it's because I've forced the issue and am stood there making him go.

My eldest had a lot of issues regarding using the toilet at school. She used to try and hold it in all day which didn't work.

Her teachers just used to ask her to go at lunch and break, that got her in the habit of going and then was able to do it independently.

Can you/the teachers try to make it more of a routine. So rather than wait until he thinks he needs to go, he ALWAYS goes on x break time, or between x classes, or before lunch. Whatever fits in the routine and is twice a day?
So he doesn't have to stop in the middle of things but it is part of his routine.

As an aside, apparently it is sometimes a part of autism, like forgetting to drink or eat. Not saying he has that but some people just process the information from their body differently. So making it a habit/routine takes the thought out of it.

And also at 8, I am assuming you might get help from the teachers in sending/reminding him, much older and I doubt they would think it part of their role?

Ds did this but he was only 4, he soon stopped when the really cold weather arrived and he had a chapped penis. I told him it's because he didn't go pee and his pants were damp. Stay dry and you won't get sore. That same advice in warmer weather made no difference, but natural consequences worked well.

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Can you reward him each night he comes home with clean pants? Over the top praise and sticker chart - 3 stickers and a prize?

Posters might be surprised how many students do this even at secondary school. They spend their breaks and lunch time playing football and buying food then come to a lesson just after break / lunch demanding to go to the toilet (not suggesting your DS does this OP.) So infuriating!

Kindly, this is not the answer. Children up and down for the loo during lessons is actually quite disruptive and while that idea might have been appropriate at 5 or 6, by 8 the point is they have had years to learn (and schools do constantly reiterate it) that they should go to the loo during breaks.

OP is pretty clear - like many children he has fomo and just doesn't want to stop what he's doing, and given it sounds like there's no additional needs here, he's just making the wrong choice and needs more of a consequence, because actually he's not sufficiently bothered about having a small damp patch on his pants.

Can he come home at lunchtime or to his grans or something?

All the people suggesting getting school to remind, to build in loo breaks etc. They do this in reception, even a bit in year 1. At some point they do have to stop?!
This isn't a 5 year old, its an 8 year old, with no physical or neurological issues.

Not all behaviour is a sign of ASD, or some condition or other - loads of kids just can be a bit naughty. And make poor choices! I don't know why every single threads brings out the people determined that every single less-than perfect behaviour kids exhibit means they have ADHD, ASD, Dyspraxia. Yes for some children that may be the case... But the vast majority of children are neurotypical and chances are its just a basic behavioural issue.