To ask for help listing mental load tasks

[Featherwand]

I'm making a list for DH, who today I told can immediately take over the mental/domestic load. I keep being told I'm overreacting when I get pissed off that I get zero help with it. So, please help me list all of the tasks that it involves, I don't want to forget anything. Yes, I'm petty. We have two DC, one a baby and one five, and both work full time.

This is what I have so far:
All school admin - deadlines, volunteering, sorting lunches, homework, remembering non uniform days/parents evenings. Contacting office if DC is off sick.
All nursery admin - same as above, but add in paying fees on time.
Organising doctors/dentist/opticians/hairdressers appointments, taking time off work to take DC if necessary.
Leaving work if kids are ill and sent home from school/nursery.
Kids' laundry.
Making sure clothes and shoes fit, and are appropriate for the season. Clearing outgrown clothes from wardrobes.
Donating/gifting/selling outgrown clothes and toys.
Staying on top of all household bills.
Researching and booking holidays.
Organising days out.
Organising activities and childcare for school holidays.
Organising DC's after school club.
Organising out of school clubs, taking DC and paying fees.
Buying birthday/Christmas cards and presents from DC to family members.
Buying birthday/Christmas cards and presents for DC.
RSVPing to never ending birthday parties, buying cards and presents and taking DC.
Sorting seasonal things e.g. Halloween costumes, Christmas related activities.
Keeping DC's toiletries stocked up.
Keeping house supplied with healthy food for DC, especially ingredients for meals.

Writing a list is a huge part of the mental load. Get him to do it!!

Paying utility bills
Sorting insurance
Renewing passports
Weekly online food shop

What about household admin things like…

Car mot/insurance/tax
Home insurances/utility bills - checking for new deals
Home maintenance - finding trades people as needed
Any pets? Insurance/vets visits/food etc

I’m not disagreeing with you, but surely household bills etc take care of themselves once you’ve got a direct debit set up? And renewing passports isn’t exactly a regular occurrence?

I would focus on the packed lunches/ school letters stuff, put him in charge of that!

To save you projecting your mental load onto MN, it's already been done for you and there's a website, book and set of cards.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book

Glad I.live alone and just have to look after myself .

Well writing this list has just added to the mental load 😂😂😂

Organising playdates and ferrying the eldest to them.
Researching any health issues with the kids, doctors, picking up prescriptions
Pets
Travel insurance
Bank accounts, researching best interest rates, ISAs for kids.
Home budgeting

Yes but looking for new deals etc takes thinking about, like the recent price cap on utilities happening meant I got us a new fixed rate for gas & electric, wouldn’t have crossed DHs mind to do that.

Same with insurance, yes you can leave it to auto renew but it’s worth checking annually to see if you can get a better deal.

Renewing passports isn’t a regular occurrence but if you’re not aware of when they run out you could get caught out, so it’s having that thought in mind to check the dates ahead of time.

Shopping lists
Meal planning
Car insurance/MOT
TV licence
Home/life/other insurance
Remembering birthdays/anniversaries
Making weekend plans
Planning household tasks like cleaning/repairs/decorating
Planning and organising social events
Organising and paying for window cleaners, carpet cleaners, oven cleaners eff
Checking that things like wifi/phone contracts/Sky etc are on the best tariffs and if not then arranging for new contracts
Banking/pocket money/tooth fairy etc

There are so many other things as well

Being on, and receiving never ending updates from, various school and activity WhatsApp groups.

Anything new you may need for the household beyond the day to day eg our whisk recently broke, we needed to get washing machine repaired, keeping an eye on what needs decorating, cleaning etc

Social lives, family visits, friend meet ups

God, I/we don't do half of this stuff. Or at least spend very much time doing it at all.

It’s not really a regular task though is it- how often would you do that, once a year if that?! Same goes for a lot of these things.. TV licence is literally a direct debit you set up once.

I just mean, if you present him with a list of things like this it won’t have the impact you’re looking for. Whereas packing lunches, remembering to pay nursery fees etc are actually a PITA.

Our garden takes up quite a lot of time and energy and mental capacity working out what needs to be done and when. Same with cleaning the house, it’s never ending

Having to anticipate what may need doing in order to keep the household running smoothly.

Thinking on the behalf of your dh ( for example, the list)

Can i suggest that you categorise your tasks,
Daily
Weekly
Monthly
Quarterly
Annually

That should help allocate time to them.

Don't forget things like
At the end of each day

• put toys away
• stack dishwasher & put on
• clean down kitchen worksurfaces & sink

For me it's the never ending laundry that gets to me each week
Bed linen
Towels
Sports kit
school.uniform
Work clothes
After school/work clothes
Weekend clothes

Meal planning
Shopping
Cooking

Cleaning:
Hoovering
Laundry - washing, drying, folding, putting away
Dusting
Tidying
Washing up/putting away dishes
Cleaning kitchen
Mopping floors
Taking out bins, changing bin liner
Recycling
Cleaning products

Bathroom
Cleaning bath, shower screen, sink, toilet
Mopping floor
Topping up toiletries
Changing towels

Bedrooms
Hoovering
Change and wash bed linen
Dust
Tidy

If you can hand over all the non kid tasks to your DH, plus maybe volunteering at school fairs, then over time you’ll have much less to do and he’ll have the same amount.

car
diy
fun holidays
presents for Christmas
servicing cars and boilers etc
arranging family visits
arranging cleaners or painters

the KEY thing is that whatever you hand over, do not comment on whatever half arsed job he has done. Just let him crack on with it.

Filters- dishwasher tumble dryer etc

Even if something is annual rather than weekly/monthly it still needs remembering and doing.

I never mentioned TV licence, I was talking about insurance/car mot etc. Fair enough it’s not stuff that needs doing every day but if you let your mot lapse your insurance isn’t valid so it’s just important stuff that needs to be kept on top of, irrespective of how often.

You forgot school holiday planning! My DH is decently hands on but I don't think it's ever occurred to him to plan or book anything for a school holiday whereas I'm a teacher so they're very much to the forefront of my mind. I don't mean actual holiday(s) but childcare/holiday clubs plus all the stuff that needs fitting round them like getting new school shoes, sorting appointments or visits that need to happen outside term time etc. Plus the drop off, lunch, collection for holiday clubs, which differ to normal school & nursery arrangements.

Should arranging to visit PIL go on there?

I think that daily weekly fortnightly monthly quarterly biannual and annual is a good idea but I would also add an ad hoc section for things that can't be planned for in advance such as liaising with doctors and childcare providers regarding illnesses, researching treatment options etc.

Arranging childcare during school holidays.
Booking baby sitters.
Haircuts, opticians, dentist
Birthday presents for friends' parties
School uniform, school shoes
Booking holidays
Sourcing/assisting with homework
Bake sales
Car service
Boiler service