To ask for help listing mental load tasks

[Featherwand]

I'm making a list for DH, who today I told can immediately take over the mental/domestic load. I keep being told I'm overreacting when I get pissed off that I get zero help with it. So, please help me list all of the tasks that it involves, I don't want to forget anything. Yes, I'm petty. We have two DC, one a baby and one five, and both work full time.

This is what I have so far:
All school admin - deadlines, volunteering, sorting lunches, homework, remembering non uniform days/parents evenings. Contacting office if DC is off sick.
All nursery admin - same as above, but add in paying fees on time.
Organising doctors/dentist/opticians/hairdressers appointments, taking time off work to take DC if necessary.
Leaving work if kids are ill and sent home from school/nursery.
Kids' laundry.
Making sure clothes and shoes fit, and are appropriate for the season. Clearing outgrown clothes from wardrobes.
Donating/gifting/selling outgrown clothes and toys.
Staying on top of all household bills.
Researching and booking holidays.
Organising days out.
Organising activities and childcare for school holidays.
Organising DC's after school club.
Organising out of school clubs, taking DC and paying fees.
Buying birthday/Christmas cards and presents from DC to family members.
Buying birthday/Christmas cards and presents for DC.
RSVPing to never ending birthday parties, buying cards and presents and taking DC.
Sorting seasonal things e.g. Halloween costumes, Christmas related activities.
Keeping DC's toiletries stocked up.
Keeping house supplied with healthy food for DC, especially ingredients for meals.

As the others have already pointed out making such list adds to YOUR mental load so the prince that your husband is could take over?

Holy smokes OP.

What about you tell him to open his fucking eyes and look around?
I’d stop doing anything for him.
I presume he’s working. Does he have his manager/boss giving him detailed list with the instructions how to do the job?

This is strategic incompetence and piss taking on the highest level.

Step back,tell him to figure it out himself (kids need feeding,clothing and educating)and pull his finger out.
It’s not called helping. It’s called pitching in and sharing the load. They are also his kids.

You’re heading for a burn out op with lazy bastard OP.

amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

@Toucanlion I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation and my 'method' of not giving a fuck is yes I just get on with the things that need to be done and have stopped begging for 'help'. Luckily I have the resources that I can outsource some things e.g. we have a cleaner, I can claim car washing through work and if I want something done that my husband is better able to do (I'm quite limited in my mobility) I say I'm going to get X (teenage son of friend/handyman) to do Y (gardening/painting) and he will usually jump in and say he can do it. Then I'll say let me know if you can't do it by a date and I'll get X to do it.

I suppose this is where I should try and justify why this ok. My husband is a caring man, he does do things around the house, he is a good father but he does things very much when he wants and not when they need doing. I used to help him out and do whatever thing I could see need preparation but I don't anymore. Only if it is of no consequence for me to do it or if my children miss out. If he has do a task he forgot to plan for then so be it.

Thanks @Scribblydoo this sounds exactly like my situation which is why I know that if we ever split the kids would be 50/50 but we do have the money to outsource so I've started doing that, he has the kids on his days off happily (pre school age) and does the dishwasher/occasional hoover but it doesn't bother him until it bothers him. He doesn't care the garden is overgrown with weeds, or the bedding doesn't get washed regularly, or the shower glass door has timescale build up. Honestly if he lived alone I'd dread to think the state of the hous. But we get on, chat about things that interest us both, have nice days out and holidays together. But I am not wanting to be intimate as I am just becoming resentful towards him. I'm not sure he is that bothered either at the moment but am sure he would blame that if he ever decided to leave too. It's a sad situation.

I’ve read through all the posts and realise that I do every single one of these mental load jobs! SAHM (youngest has just gone to school) and although I occasionally delegate out a task at weekends (take X to the tip / please mow the lawn / take X to a party with this present), all the planning and prethought into all areas including all financial are down to me. I’d love to go back to work and I’m applying but dividing up these jobs is going to require planning and a huge life adjustment for my partner

I think OP wants DH to see how it is to take over the full mental load - all items on the list, that is, not two. OP has been doing it all and now it is his turn. Also, she does not want to delegate, or ‘put him in charge’ of a couple of things, he must be the one to take the initiative. Well done, OP; I hope it works!

As you should. Be prepared for huge resistance as your husband will likely feel suddenly you've increased his work load and won't like it!