To ask for help listing mental load tasks

[Featherwand]

I'm making a list for DH, who today I told can immediately take over the mental/domestic load. I keep being told I'm overreacting when I get pissed off that I get zero help with it. So, please help me list all of the tasks that it involves, I don't want to forget anything. Yes, I'm petty. We have two DC, one a baby and one five, and both work full time.

This is what I have so far:
All school admin - deadlines, volunteering, sorting lunches, homework, remembering non uniform days/parents evenings. Contacting office if DC is off sick.
All nursery admin - same as above, but add in paying fees on time.
Organising doctors/dentist/opticians/hairdressers appointments, taking time off work to take DC if necessary.
Leaving work if kids are ill and sent home from school/nursery.
Kids' laundry.
Making sure clothes and shoes fit, and are appropriate for the season. Clearing outgrown clothes from wardrobes.
Donating/gifting/selling outgrown clothes and toys.
Staying on top of all household bills.
Researching and booking holidays.
Organising days out.
Organising activities and childcare for school holidays.
Organising DC's after school club.
Organising out of school clubs, taking DC and paying fees.
Buying birthday/Christmas cards and presents from DC to family members.
Buying birthday/Christmas cards and presents for DC.
RSVPing to never ending birthday parties, buying cards and presents and taking DC.
Sorting seasonal things e.g. Halloween costumes, Christmas related activities.
Keeping DC's toiletries stocked up.
Keeping house supplied with healthy food for DC, especially ingredients for meals.

Testing smoke alarms.
Changing batteries.
Maintaining regular check-ins with older relatives.
Being a walking talking bus/ train timetable.
Descaling.
Trying and ordering uniforms.
School shoe shopping.
Posting/ chasing up missing parcels.
Waiting in for deliveries and repairs.

My phone carries all of this mental load.

I get reminded every day for about a week before. At some point I say to DH, don’t forget MOT and he usually says “it’s booked for X date” as we both share the same calendar.

I do all the finances, insurances etc but again it takes no mental load as I don’t think about it until my phone or emails tell me to.

For me, the mental load is more about making sure there is food in, the dog’s not left alone for too long, the kids have been bathed recently, clothes fit and are clean… the day to day stuff.

The more ad hoc stuff is so easily outsourced to technology, you’d be stupid not to do that.

This is my master list that I use. I run through it every now and then to make sure I've got everything vaguely in hand:

Work
Job hunting
Networking

Kids
Childcare admin
School admin
Gymnastics and swimming
Health
Presents for birthday parties
Their birthdays

Christmas

Personal finance
Check monthly budget
Pension
Premium Bonds

Health
Contraception
Any niggles
Dentist appointments
Blocking out time to exercise

Beauty
Appointments for:
Hair
Eyebrows and lashes

Holidays
Booking ahead
Maintaining spreadsheet
Travel insurance for upcoming trips
Packing lists/shopping/sun cream etc

Food shopping
Regular subscriptions:
Toilet paper
Flea tablets
Cancel ones I don’t need any more

Friendships and social life
Book group
Local social plans

House
Cleaner
Window cleaner invoice
Gardener invoice
Decluttering
Longer term projects

Birthdays - cards and presents
Family
Friends
Friends’ kids

Cat
Flea treatment

Setting alarms.
Washing pet bedding and bowls.
Local social media watching for relevant stuff.
World fucking book day.
Decluttering and taking stuff to charity shops.
Changing clocks.
Watering plants.
Booking and ordering food shop.
Medical records.

I think you're adding to your mental load by listing your mental load. If he's incapable of picking up his share, you're going to be listing this till death you do part.

Pet fleaing/ worming/ boosters etc.
Navigating allergies.
Packing for holidays/ days out.
Monitoring basic first aid and toiletry supplies.
Paying attention to strike dates/ bin collection changes etc.
Getting keys cut/ shoe repairs.
Name labels.

Charging things.
Cutting nails.
School applications.
Travel cards.
Electoral register.

If you need help making the list it can’t be too onerous.

And wait until y7 when they got loads of homework they need help with...

I don’t think you’ve added enough details: organising a play date for example, should read something like this:
Get child’s friends Mums number
call or text child’s friend
consult diary as to good time or day
contact child’s friend
save friend details in phone
organise date and place
look up where place is
etc etc - yes I’m vengeful

I voted YABU because, as you e said, it’s petty.
Many of the things you’ve listed are one off things - dentist / optician appointments for example. This is solved by booking the next appointment (for during the school holidays) when you visit and adding it to the family calendar.
Household bills - set up direct debits for them all. My bills have been paid for years in this way.
Deadlines / volunteering. Deadlines for what? Why do you feel the need to volunteer? If you've not got time to do that, then stop doing it!
Organising after school clubs - what’s to organise? Most ASCs have an app or email to book on, and the payments are again done by DD, so once set up, it’s automatic.
Keeping DCs toiletries stocked up - blimey, how many toiletries does a child need? Just throw some shampoo into the trolley when you’re doing the weekly shop!
Birthday cards/gifts for parties - buy a job lot of cards and throw a fiver in rather than buying tat.
Sorting clothes out - an annual job that can be done together.
The day to day stuff does need to be shared. So maybe one of you takes responsibility for packed lunch prep whilst the other gets the DC ready for school / nursery. Taking dc to clubs / parties should be shared where possible.

I get where you’re coming from as I’ve been there, and we solved it by having a calendar with everything on and allocating who’d do what on it when it went on the calendar; having a list of daily household tasks allocated to each person and sticking to it; having separate responsibilities eg DH was responsible for taking dc to football training / matches and I would use that time to do a different household job.

I have never had to do this with my DC - play dates should be spontaneous such as coming round for tea one night after school which only needs a quick text “can Fred come for tea tomorrow, I’ll pick him up from school and drop him at yours at 6.30”

Keeping track of teacher training days and school trips.
Remembering medications.
Checking for and treating nits.
Cleaning shoes.
Mending.
'Pest' control.
Filling in calendar.
Having change for school things.

But why not just invest the 5 seconds to diarise it in a planner?
Deciding the best method is ‘remembering’ all this stuff is just stressful and ineffectual.

It’s the constant planning ahead and the noticing for me. Planning what meals to cook, how to use the leftovers, and buying everything that’s needed. Monitoring the food in the fridge so that stuff doesn’t get wasted, and that we don’t start growing new life forms.
Noticing when things are getting low at the right moment to also add them to the shopping list (easy when it’s a kitchen item but harder if it’s something not located by the list).
Realising that if we want Christmas to be enjoyable and relaxing we can’t start making all the arrangements two days before. Ditto for holidays.
Remembering that one dog has been limping so maybe we need to buy a supplement, and finding a suitable one and buying it, then remembering to give it.
Noticing the cleaning jobs that need doing and doing them.

OH is brilliant at noticing and planning for himself, but less good at doing the same for the whole household. He is getting better though.

I'll just leave this here:
https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-the-fair-play-book-doesnt-fix

I just stopped giving a fuck, that seems to help and if I get any push back on why X isn't done my answer is 'well did you do it?'

Organising play dates
Keeping minor ailments that aren’t worthy of a dr appointment on my radar and monitoring them
Making sure we have calpol, lemmsip etc
Replacing items from the first aid kit like plasters
Adjusting when children suddenly dislike a food they used to like
Getting seasonal things booked and in the diary like pumpkin picking, Santa visits

Knowing what clothes the kids need for which activities, know where they are, where they should be, whether they are clean or dirty, which washing cycle they go on, how long that takes ,can they be tumble dried, how long, which setting, if not how long they take to dry in the current weather, and whether there is space on the line/airer, if they will need ironing, setting , when, and putting away/in kit bag etc.

Opening curtains?!!! Some of these are just silly.

Set up direct debits and use a shared calendar. I think it would take me longer to write a list of what we all do than the time we spent actually doing the tasks.

If you have to remind your husband to open curtains then I think you have much bigger problems!!

If you live /lived /visit with someone who doesn't open close curtains or know how blinds work...

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but the whole thing where you just 'know' stuff. Things like DC1 doesn't like wearing blue socks on a Tuesday. Or if you buy the family size box of cereal/washing powder it won't fit in any of the cupboards. Or DC2 only likes branded ketchup. They sound so trivial, but I have literally hundreds of these little snippets of information jostling around in my brain and they really add up.

This has really resonate with me, and if it wasn't for the fact I don't want to spend 50 % of time away from my kids id be leaving in my situation. I'm planning a very long term to leave when my kids will be old enough to stay in contact with me without having to facilitate him.

How did you learn not to give a fuck? Do you just get on and do the housework/gardening/mental load and just accept they won't do it.

I don't do my husband washing, just mine and the kids, I've started cooking for just me and the kids now and meal planning what I want (and I'm happy with a jacket potato so it's easier).

When he says what for dinner I say I don't know. He usually magics something up/freezer food. I can't seem to stop doing something that might also have an effect to my kids (but benefits him) if that makes sense.

Definitely categorise by frequency so your DH can see how often things need to be done. Hopefully that will stop him focusing things like passport renewal and de-railing the discussion because ‘that’s only once every few years’.

I’d also split some of the tasks down to show the details - so ‘school events’ includes reading the email/ letter, putting it on the calendar/ reminder on phone, making a note if you need to bring anything, checking if you need to buy something (eg: spotty t-shirt for Children in Need) and buying it - even if it’s just a quick click on Amazon, someone needs to remember and do it!

Likewise, laundry is not just ‘put a wash on, then dry it’, but keeping track of who needs what clothes/ uniform/ sports kit when and making sure it’s washed and dried in time.

Thissss!!!!

This is a really good question! Might ask my DH…