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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for getting frustrated that my in laws come over for a whole weekend once a month?

76 replies

Mum8929 · 20/10/2024 14:51

DH and I are having an argument because we don’t have any other childcare around us and his parents are the only ones available to come and help. They live an hour away but every time we need support or childcare it ends up with them coming over and staying overnight and almost staying the entire wrekend. On anverage this happens every month or two. I appreciate the help however I do find it draining to have to host them for a whole weekend this often when DH and I both work full time and the weekends are our only time together. AIBU my DH seems to think it’s not that often?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 20/10/2024 14:53

every time we need support or childcare

So you want their help, but then want them to leave again?

I suggest you use Sitters.com instead.

Woollypullover · 20/10/2024 14:54

If they live only an hour away, why do they stay over?

Find different childcare. Pay someone.

Pyroleus · 20/10/2024 14:56

An hour is not far and there's no need to stay unless you want them to. But equally they don't have to do childcare if they feel it is too far to go without staying.
If you say, 'PILs, would you like to come for the whole day on Saturday, and is it okay if me and DH go out for two hours in the afternoon?' what do they say? Do they ignore you/steamroller you? Be more firm. Or do they say it's too far for them if they can't stay? If so fair enough. You'll have to decide whether childcare or a weekend to yourself is more important.

Also, when they're here, who cooks, makes coffee, does the dishes, and who cleans the sheets after they're gone? If the answer is that you do more of this than DH, ask him to step up.

Quitelikeit · 20/10/2024 14:56

Well I can understand them not wanting to drive home for an hour late at night!

Are you saying they stay on the Fri & Sat?

Tiredofthewhirring · 20/10/2024 14:56

What sort of support do you need? Do you both work a Saturday for example?

If it's for a night out just pay a sitter

RomeoRivers · 20/10/2024 14:56

They’re doing you a favour.

If you don’t want them to come then you need to find alternative childcare.

Pay a babysitter.

Once a month for childcare and quality time with the GPs sounds nice to me.

Sillysausage76 · 20/10/2024 14:57

Can you not drop the children to them and then pick them up after?

Nogaxeh · 20/10/2024 14:59

It sounds like you find their visits more difficult than your DH, because you feel more responsibility for the hosting, and they're your in-laws rather than parents. So its not surprising that it feels like too much to you, but your DH is fine with it.

It would help if your DH could appreciate that you would have a different view for good reason.

The only alternative I can think of is to deliver the children to your in-laws when they help with childcare.

Carnationstreet7 · 20/10/2024 15:11

Pay a babysitter then! I'm not surprised your husband doesn't find it draining to have his parents to stay every now and again so that you can go out!

PrueRamsay · 20/10/2024 15:14

Yeah basically you shouldn’t use them for childcare if you don’t want them staying over. A lot of people find night time driving difficult as they get older.

LakieLady · 20/10/2024 15:17

Hmmmm, YANBU about hosting them for a weekend every month, but you need to make alternative childcare arrangements.

I don't think you can have it both ways, tbh.

Snorlaxo · 20/10/2024 15:17

Does your h pull his weight when it comes to hosting his parents ?

I think that you may need to reconsider whether or not you need the childcare or if it can be postponed Eg instead of Friday night, a Saturday or Sunday night or combining 2 instances of needing childcare into 1.

Icanttakethisanymore · 20/10/2024 15:19

Yabu imo / once every month or two isn’t that often and it sounds like they are also helping you out.

Muthaofcats · 20/10/2024 15:22

It wouldn’t be unreasonable not to want to host that often; but it’s incredibly unreasonable that you are taking their childcare but then resenting their presence when they’ve only come to help you. I find that really quite shocking if I’m honest. If you don’t want them there then use a baby sitter ?

Lookingfornewdirection · 20/10/2024 15:30

I get it OP. If my in laws came to give me and DH a night out, but then stayed until the next day, I wouldn’t find it worth it to be honest. I’m introverted and find it straining to have to socialise with them for hours on end. Sometimes when we get home late after a night out, I find it very tiring that I still have to sit with the in laws for an hour, as they won’t leave when we get home. They obviously get to sleep as late as they want to but we need to wake up when the kids do, and really just want to sleep as soon as we get home. I know it’s rude to want them out of the door as soon as we get home but that’s just how it is.

EggnogAnd · 20/10/2024 15:33

Shinyandnew1 · 20/10/2024 14:53

every time we need support or childcare

So you want their help, but then want them to leave again?

I suggest you use Sitters.com instead.

Yes. Pay for childcare if you want babysitters that show up at 7.30, charge by the hour, and leave again within minutes of your return. Of course your PIL will stay overnight if you want to go out for dinner or a film or whatever -- they're not going to start trekking an hour's drive home again at 11 or 11.30, and they probably are unaware that their presence is that noxious to you.

skippy67 · 20/10/2024 15:36

You need to start paying for your childcare then.

WiserOlderElf · 20/10/2024 15:37

So you want them to help you but only on your terms? Turn up, look after your kids then leave so that they don’t inconvenience you?

WiserOlderElf · 20/10/2024 15:38

Lookingfornewdirection · 20/10/2024 15:30

I get it OP. If my in laws came to give me and DH a night out, but then stayed until the next day, I wouldn’t find it worth it to be honest. I’m introverted and find it straining to have to socialise with them for hours on end. Sometimes when we get home late after a night out, I find it very tiring that I still have to sit with the in laws for an hour, as they won’t leave when we get home. They obviously get to sleep as late as they want to but we need to wake up when the kids do, and really just want to sleep as soon as we get home. I know it’s rude to want them out of the door as soon as we get home but that’s just how it is.

Then the reasonable thing to do would be to not ask them for childcare.

Mamasperspective · 20/10/2024 23:09

Sounds like you need to find alternative childcare otherwise you can't really complain when they're doing you a favour. Seems strange that they have to stay when they only live an hour away. Could LO stay at theirs then you can drop off and pick up at your convenience?

Pandasnacks · 20/10/2024 23:10

What exactly do you want from them? YABU regardless by the way.

CrispyCrumpets · 20/10/2024 23:13

Are they babysitting in the evening? I offer my Mum a bed for the night if she stays late in the evening. She is quite good at going home again the next day though!

Chickenspeckandcluckaroud · 20/10/2024 23:13

I wouldn't be happy with in laws staying every month but I haven't had a child free night with DH in years. If you don't like it, don't ask for their help.

NoahsTortoise · 20/10/2024 23:14

I actually feel your pain OP, my in-laws also live an hour away and act like it's the far side of the moon to come to us. Even though I drive to them and back in a day when I go 🤷‍♀️...obviously, because it's only an hour. They'd definitely stay if we had space.

Can they have your kids at theirs instead and then you can just pick up and go home after? Or you stay there for one night then go home?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/10/2024 23:21

Perhaps when they make the effort to visit they also want to see their child and child in law not just the grandkids?