AIBU for getting frustrated that my in laws come over for a whole weekend once a month?

[Mum8929]

DH and I are having an argument because we don’t have any other childcare around us and his parents are the only ones available to come and help. They live an hour away but every time we need support or childcare it ends up with them coming over and staying overnight and almost staying the entire wrekend. On anverage this happens every month or two. I appreciate the help however I do find it draining to have to host them for a whole weekend this often when DH and I both work full time and the weekends are our only time together. AIBU my DH seems to think it’s not that often?

Ps the hosting, meals bedsheet changing etc shouldn't all be on you

I presume they say over as your out until late and they don’t want to drive home late after you return home and then spend much of the following day with you before going home again? Either suck it up, find alternative child care, take child to stay at grandparents house so you can pick up in the morning and then leave straight away or just don’t go out. 🤷‍♀️

If they're providing childcare so you can have an evening out then they might not see much of the grandchildren and presumably don't want to drive home late at night. If you invited them to come earlier that day and stay over but had something else on the following afternoon would you feel less of your weekend was 'lost'?

God what a thoroughly selfish attitude to have! And you are even shameless about how rude you are…does your DH know you feel like that? Your poor in laws…

Well OK, they're doing you a favour, but they are also getting to spend some time alone with their gcs, you both win? I think staying beyond next day lunch is a bit much. Don't 'host', just do what you normally do at w/e, chores, shopping, family day out (whether you invite them along or not is up to you to navigate). Don't scurry around making drinks, they know where things and can help themselves, you don't have to 'entertain' them, you're a busy woman. They're your ILs, if dh wants it all done then no one's stopping him.

I understand that having guests can feel a bit overwhelming, but it sounds like it's once a month, and you are getting childcare as well.

What specifically is the problem - do you end up "waiting on everyone" and doing loads of extra housework? Or do you end up being made to feel that you have to spend the whole weekend hanging around the house because they are there and because they are the type who won't go anywhere?

I can empathise, somewhat.

When I was married, our in-laws would come over (or we go to them) on a monthly basis and for the whole weekend, too. My ex never understood why it annoyed me, but what he didn't see was the hassle it was causing me, because of how unequal our daily chores were.

If they came over, we'd both be cleaning the house the second we came home on a Friday, after a long working week and with my social battery already exhausted. I'd then have to cook and clean the kitchen, get the children to bed and was not allowed to go to bed until the in-laws were tired enough to go to sleep themselves (because that was seen as anti-social). I'd then be up at 6/7 again with the kids, have to make food for everyone, be dragged out of the house because they needed a walk twice a day and I wasn't allowed to stay behind, then cook lunch and dinner around that, then get the children ready for bed again, then have to stay up again despite being tired. Repeat until Sunday afternoon. Laundry was also my responsibility, but I had little time to get that done and I would be on the back foot by the time everyone had finally left, and then I'd help with homework/ do my own work, too.

Weekends like this, after working 60 hours the week before, would be extremely exhausting for me, and I'd resent not being able to have any time or space. Much of it was an issue with the way my chores fell and that my ex did not understand that I needed time away from people to recharge, let alone go to bed when I desperately needed sleep (something he'd prevent me from doing on week nights, too, in order for us to spend time together).

Is this because you are working or you want a night out? Either way, you need to pay for childcare however a night out so regulars can't be that important? Life changes with children, we didn't have a night out for a while as we had no family within 3 hours of us.

They really ought to shape up. Get the job done and make themselves scares. You just can't get the staff anymore can you OP?

I know, they sound like right selfish fuckers. They need to learn that all they’re good for is the free childcare!

Well say you want Saturday night from 7 I would say can you get here at around 630. I wouldn't have issue with them stopping if it's a late one then make them breakfast let them spend the morning with the kids and say you are busy in the afternoon

I don't think 4-6 weeks is that often for grandparents to visit. However, I would try and make an arrangement like coffee with a friend or visit to gym on a Sunday late morning so you don't have to 'host' all day Sunday.

I also think perhaps you need to rethink how you view hosting. Can't they get their own breakfast/ lunch using food in the house? It would be nice for you to cook one meal if they've helped you out with childcare but you don't need to prep/ cook 6 meals for them! I'm sure they're capable of getting their own cups of tea etc. Dh should also be 'hosting' but if it's his parents, maybe he feels more relaxed to just let them do their thing.

Maybe it's just too often with busy lives? I have small kids and feel like our weekends just fly by. Our families are (genuinely) far so have to stay with us when they come and I do sometimes wish I had someone to take a child for a couple of hours every so often rather than a full-on visit but that's just how it is when you family's far (or believe they're far).

You could try limit the stays to once every 2-3 months and in between do drop-offs and pick-ups to theirs or just meet somewhere in the middle 1/2 hour away.

How old are they? Presumably they are staying because they don't want to drive home late and tired?
If you don't like it, you'll have to source different childcare. Rarely such a thing as "free" childcare, all comes with a price of some sort.

Fuck me, they’re helping you! What do you expect, they let themselves in through the servants entrance, look after the kids etc, then let themselves out when you ring a “dismissed” bell?

Plus they are your kids’ gran and grandad, it’s an important relationship and god forbid if something should happen to you it sounds like they might be even more important given that your own parents aren’t involved. And it doesn’t sound frequent at all.

You sound ungrateful. If they’re pissing you off just pop out for an imaginary job. Or yes stop asking them for help!

they are your husband’s parents!! You talk like they are some random baby sitters.

is there a backstory to why you can’t have them in your house ? Do they sit and expect service or do they help out? Ask your husband to step up and do more when they are around.

Do you only see them when you need help?

They stay because they want to see their ds.
You know, just like you’d like to see your dc even when he’s an adult.

We used to sit for our dgs some Saturday mornings when both parents worked. We always stayed until Sunday afternoon and our ds would have been upset if we had left on a Saturday afternoon. Fortunately we have a lovely dil.

You are the ones asking for them to come and help you out, you can’t be put out that they stay a little longer to see you all.

If you want someone you can boot out of the door the second you’re home, hire a babysitter.

They're DH's parents not randomers. They're helping you. Why should they drive an hour in the night to go home? Maybe they want to see DH aswell.

I agree with this. YANBU in thinking that staying a whole weekend once a month is a lot, because it is a lot!
If it's creating problems (and your DH/ they are not receptive to your objections), then the solution is to find another source of childcare, as pp says.

So "every month or two" (how often actually?) your child's grandparents who are your dp's parents babysit and "stay almost the whole weekend " (how long actually?) and you're bitching about it? Right.....

@Sillysausage76 "Can you not drop the children to them and then pick them up after?"

Voice of the OP "But it's an hour's drive!"

I’m one of the first usually OP, to be saying how lucky you are to have help and childcare (because I don’t have and am envious of those that do, but that’s another story).

In this case though, I have to admit I felt stressed reading your post! Then more stressed after another poster’s response about how their ex demanded their time and energy all weekend long, to host his parents.

I feel if I were in a similar situation I would feel the same and not enjoy the weekends they visit very much, even if it meant a few hours of help.

I hope somehow you can find some sort of solution (like dropping kids at GP’s place instead).

Surely the solution to this, if it’s stressing the OP out, is to not ask them to provide childcare? It’s an easily solved problem. However it sounds like the OP wants the babysitting, she just doesn’t want to have to do anything in return.