I did the right thing, didn’t I?

[ChocBanana]

I’m a school teacher. About a month ago, I made an anonymous referral to SS about the child over the road who we hear screaming day and night. The day I reported it he was screaming “please don’t leave me! Don’t do that mummy!”

I have just had the mum knock on my door asking if it was me who reported her because SS have just been to visit. I denied it because I don’t want to cause any issues, I want her to get help. It turns out the child is SEN and often screams out with no context.

I asked the DSL at work if I should report it, he said “you must. If something happens and you didn’t it calls into question your whole career. What if it was a child here and you ignored it to keep the peace?”

I just messaged OH to tell him she’s been round and he said “serves you right for sticking your oar in.”

I did the right thing though, didn’t I? I was right to report it. Safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility.

*And before everyone jumps in to say “why didn’t you offer to help her”, don’t pretend you would have done so. I don’t know the woman and every time I have said hello she blanks me. She’s not going to ask me in to babysit.

Of course you did right.

I’m a bit surprised she was bolshy enough to confront you, she ought to have been aware it was a possibility that someone would call at some point.

DSL here. You did the right thing.

Children with SEND are actually more likely to be abused because of their higher level of vulnerability and the fact that they may not have the speech and language skills to make verbal disclosures, or (depending on the nature of their SEN) the capacity to understand that whats happening to them is wrong. This should have been covered in your mandatory CP training at school.

Even if this particular child is not being mistreated in any way, it may be that the parent is struggling and could be signposted to support. I have worked with a couple of families recently who have been on the receiving end of anonymous referrals from neighbours and although they were upset initially, it has led to some positive conversations about difficulties they are facing and what needs to change. Those families are now receiving support (on a purely voluntary basis) that they didn't have before. It's not a magic wand, but its something.

I have ND children myself and one does a fair bit of screaming when dysregulated. If CS or the Police turned up at my door I would invite them in and explain the situation. It would be mildly inconvenient but I wouldn't blame the person who called them. Better that an innocent parent is inconvenienced than risk abuse going undetected.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a twat.

Your DH needs to read up on some of the cases mentioned.

Of course you did the right thing. Even if the child does have SEN you've only got the mother's word for it that is what was going on. You only need to read the sadly numerous stories of child abuse where a social worker has been given some bullshit sotory to explain a child's behaviour injuries.

The fact she came round is a huge red flag. Sounds like she's laying the ground work to prevent you reporting again. As a previous poster said people with SEN are often more likely to be abused as there will always be people who come up with a 'reasonable' story for what happened and the abused person isn't able to defend themselves.

Also you've only got her word for what happened. Social services may have identified concerns and the case is still open. If you are concerned you should always report.

as a teacher you probably have more safeguarding training than many posters on here, so you must know that you did the right thing, as your DSL has confirmed.

Still not getting it.

How would you like to be addressed? 😳

Put it this way, did she purely come round so she could explain that there are unusual circumstances, or with an attitude of a 'whitch hunt' to find the culprit who shopped her?
Sounds like the latter mostly. If however there were no concerns, a person would come round, explain fully, apologise for the noise and distress and maybe with an attitude of it being difficult for them so maybe SS can help. They would understand that they have been that loud that neighbours could hear, and probably would of explained to local neighbours preemptively so that they understand the situation. Also, if SS got involved and there are no concerns and they were confident in doing their best to cope, they would not fear their involvement.
You did what you should of, on 2 counts. Under the circumstances it was fair to lie about it not being you too, as the mother being more concerned about tackling who she though it was, is a bad sign.

Well done you OP for doing the right thing.
Your OH should be pleased and proud of you for acting in a responsible and caring way. Not criticising you.

You have totally done the right thing OP - safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility, and yours more than most because of your job!

What I am questioning is why you doubt yourself: just because this mum says it’s nothing that doesn’t mean it’s true! So many children are abused and neglected, if this child is SEN additional support is only a good thing

I’ve had to report abusive neighbours to SS myself (screaming, crying, ‘don’t hit me mummy’ etc for 3 kids over 10 years: none were removed and I hope my actions helped even if family were angry/suspected me)

You did the right thing with the right intention: neighbours of eg Sara Sharif cannot say the same

Better to report and be proved wrong than to ignore and be proved right.

I did not report a mother I knew in the neighbourhood and it's a lasting regret for me.
I believed her when she said that her DDs issues were all due to SEN. Eventually her neighbours reported her. They had audio recordings and it turned out she was locking this young child in a cupboard in the dark and screaming and shouting abuse at her. I would never have thought it. Child was always clean, well fed, had appropriate toys and outings etc but her behaviour around her mum was very odd seeming to prefer the company of strangers and seek affection from people she barely knew. Mother said it was undiagnosed SEN but it turned out to be attachment disorder the consequence of emotional abuse.
I wish I'd had more curiosity and had reported.

Years later I reported my neighbour for DV to his wife in lockdown. I could hear it through the walls. She denied it and sent the police away and they are still together but I know what I can hear. I am sure they must know it was me but it's never been mentioned. I have zero regrets. I will always report abuse if I suspect it. Everybody's business.

You did the right thing. I'm glad you did it, Better the mother is embarrassed for a short while than if the child was suffering abuse. The adult can stick it.

I'd rather report 1000 people for good reason and have SS visit and find everything is OK, that not report 1 and a child be abuse.

Your DH can bugger off with his attitude

Yes it was the right thing to do. How could she have guess it was you? Have you had words before?

My first reaction was that the neighbours of Sara Sharif heard "gut-wrenching screams" but did not report them to anyone....

Of course you did the right thing. Look at the children that have died because people didn't want to stick their nose in.

I'd rather report it and get it wrong than ignore it and wish I hadn't.

No, never spoken to her. But SS told her it was a neighbour. So presumably she has knocked on a few doors.

Yes, it is, of course. I know I was in the right but it is disconcerting when someone asks you to your face.

I’ll be completely honest, I changed that sentence because originally it said he is (specific condition) but I thought it was possibly too identifying so edited it but didn’t correct the grammar. Sorry.

I can't believe you're a teacher and are seriously asking whether you should have reported it.

Do you think your safeguarding responsibilities end at the school gate at 3pm??

Show your husband the reports about Sara Sharif, the neighbours accounts of what they'd heard from that house for years, and what happened to her. Then ask him whether he thinks they were right not to 'stick their nose in'.

Of course I don’t. I wouldn’t have reported it otherwise, would I? But it is a bit disconcerting when someone asks you outright if you reported them.

You totally did the right thing. A child with SEN who is screaming day and night is still a cause for concern. Children with SEN are more likely to suffer abuse or perhaps the mother needs some support. Either way the wheels are in motion for the situation to be accessed.

Of course you did. I've got a daughter with ASD who had a best friend with a teacher mother. She reported concerns to the school (long story, daughter had a very restricted TikTok account and for some reason posted something concerning if viewed out of context).

We knew it was her because of the restrictions. However we totally understood and respected that she had a professional duty to do what she did. (Awkward, mind you!)

If a child might be suffering, honestly- we should all stick our oars in. Better an innocent situation is checked out than an abusive one is ignored.

If their child is autistic and behaving like that then the needs they have as a disabled person aren’t being met anyway. They may have more needs than an allistic child but that doesn’t mean they aren’t needs. If she can’t meet her child’s needs it’s better you have reported it