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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's a sex one

71 replies

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 12:38

Married for 20+ years.
I have always had the higher sex drive, understand that we differ on that.
I never turn him down for intimacy, if that's a cuddle, Kissing, me giving him pleasure, full sex etc.
The sex is always in his favour. He 'gets there' pretty quickly and tbh that doesn't really bother me as I am happy with the connection , no he never makes sure I am satisfied.
Over the years I have raised the inequality in the sex side of things. He 9/10 turns down my advances.
But then he goes and watches porn when I'm not around.
Please don't get confused, I don't especially like the idea of him watching porn, but it's not a Beal breaker IF we are having sex.
Essentially, if I'm not getting turned down constantly and he wants so time to pleasure himself, crack on.
3 times this week, I've been tirned down.
Yesterday we were meant to go out together, he decided he didnt fancy going but I went as we had told friends we would be there.
This morning, I use his phone go to Google a shop opening time and the last searched thing is porn.
I'm pissed off.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed and hurt?

OP posts:

HippeePrincess · 20/10/2024 12:40

I’d leave, he doesn’t want sex with you and when he does all he cares about is his pleasure. You deserve better.

Kingoftheroad · 20/10/2024 12:44

YANBU : at the very least he’s selfish

you seem to have been accepting the crumbs from underneath the table for a long time.

In other areas, what’s he like im general as a husband?

BabyCloud · 20/10/2024 12:45

I’d turn him down everytime and see how he liked that.

BCBird · 20/10/2024 12:48

Been there with selfish sex- never again. Unfortunately was my first relationship so I had nothing to compare it with. Sex should be satisfying for both parties OP. DIY and don't bother with him. I think I'd tell him.the issue and if no improvement would split.

Original poster

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 12:51

This issue has been raised a number of times before but then we have sex a few times, and I think, 'oh ok, I can live with this'

Yesterday has piswed me off more because it feels like he manufactured a situation so he could be alone to wank.
This morning I have told him that I'm done, how many times should I feel like shit?
But I don't know where to go from here. Do I really end my marriage over sex? Or do I chose to just not enter into that part of the marriage?

OP posts:

Original poster

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 12:52

Kingoftheroad · 20/10/2024 12:44

YANBU : at the very least he’s selfish

you seem to have been accepting the crumbs from underneath the table for a long time.

In other areas, what’s he like im general as a husband?

Edited

He's a good man. Provides for his family well, does thoughtful things, is content with (as far as I know) other areas of our lives, encourages me to do or try things.

OP posts:

Kingoftheroad · 20/10/2024 12:54

does he tell you he loves you and show affection in other ways?

Original poster

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 12:57

Kingoftheroad · 20/10/2024 12:54

does he tell you he loves you and show affection in other ways?

Not particularly openly affectionate, but always wants to be near me, hand holding or cuddling up to me on the sofa etc.
Yes he tells he loves me.

OP posts:

AdviceNeeded2024 · 20/10/2024 12:59

Have you had a proper conversation in the past about him satisfying you and you telling him/showing him what you like? If so how did that go?

Original poster

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 13:00

AdviceNeeded2024 · 20/10/2024 12:59

Have you had a proper conversation in the past about him satisfying you and you telling him/showing him what you like? If so how did that go?

No, we haven't.
I am really bad at communicating my needs. I feel stupid and embarrassed

OP posts:

Thefirstdance · 20/10/2024 13:01

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 12:51

This issue has been raised a number of times before but then we have sex a few times, and I think, 'oh ok, I can live with this'

I would be so hurt by the not going out and staying in to wank over porn situation. So hurtful, disrespectful and deceitful. It’s not as if you are withholding sex—he’s turning you down, then using porn. He clearly has the desire for sex, so it wouldn’t be a sexless marriage in the sense that one half of the couple has no libido—he’d just be off with his screen while you had to see to yourself.
I would tell him how dire this is for you. Maybe you could go to therapy together if he is willing to work through this? If he’s not willing to change, then yes, it would be the end for me if I were in that situation.

hanali · 20/10/2024 13:01

Don't go throwing away your marriage over this. The grass is not greener as many topics on here about the minefield of modern dating demonstrate. And don't go playing games of turning down his advances etc. That's not going to resolve anything.

Have a talk with him. Come clean and say you know he watches porn. Reaffirm how important sex is to you and try and perhaps figure out what the reasoning behind him pleasuring himself over having sex with you. Perhaps delve into what he is watching and if you two can perform what he is watching as long as it's not too weird.

AdviceNeeded2024 · 20/10/2024 13:04

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 13:00

No, we haven't.
I am really bad at communicating my needs. I feel stupid and embarrassed

Show quote history

Don’t feel stupid, you are a couple and you clearly look out for his needs and you deserve the same. I understand how you might feel awkward raising it though but a conversation should be had.

He might think you are satisfied and he might be shocked he doesn’t please you then want to make the effort, or he might be genuinely selfish but you won’t know unless you communicate.

If you were getting sex less than you wanted but it was really amazing on the times it happened, you might feel happier? Sounds like he’s good in other ways so I think it’s worth the conversation.

PlopSofa · 20/10/2024 13:04

It’s like having a harem of naked ladies at the click of a button. That’s what porn is. He’s basically wanking off to other women.

like so many men these days. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

He’s being unfaithful but it takes a very evolved man to see that.

MatildaTheCat · 20/10/2024 13:04

When you told him you were done how did he react?

Unfortunately it seems he prefers solo sex to the intimacy of a sex life with you which is mutually satisfying. I think the selfishness of him finishing without waiting for you would piss me off even more than the solo stuff.

What do you want to do next?

buttonsB4 · 20/10/2024 13:06

I'm still stuck on the first part of your post: you've been together 20+ yrs and he's NEVER satisfied you sexually?

You mean he's never tried to get you to orgasm, but he always ensures he does?

I'm astounded your marriage has lasted so long if I'm honest and I'm not quite sure why you want to have sex with someone who doesn't pleasure you 🤷‍♀️

PlopSofa · 20/10/2024 13:07

So do you fake orgasm? How does he know you’re satisfied or not?

username3678 · 20/10/2024 13:07

It comes across as a control issue. He has sex when he chooses and humiliates you with rejection. He also has sex on his terms.

You shouldn't have to draw a diagram for your lover , he should want you to enjoy sex. Many men take pride in pleasing their partner.

It comes across as very passive aggressive to skip out on plans to stay home and masturbate.

PlopSofa · 20/10/2024 13:11

Imagine if it was the other way around. When he wanted sex with you 9/10 you rejected him and went off to have a shag by yourself courtesy of Google. And he knew this and still continued to throw himself at you.

What then?

SaraSosej · 20/10/2024 13:15

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 12:51

This issue has been raised a number of times before but then we have sex a few times, and I think, 'oh ok, I can live with this'

It’s not just about sex though. He didn’t want to come out and spend time with you so he could be alone to wank. You’re not a priority if he values porn time over real life.

wheelywheelynice · 20/10/2024 13:29

Notsomarryfloppins · 20/10/2024 13:00

No, we haven't.
I am really bad at communicating my needs. I feel stupid and embarrassed

Show quote history

You need https://start.omgyes.com/join?gad_source=1

Kingoftheroad · 20/10/2024 13:37

Other than this it sounds like a really good marriage and he’s a good guy.

I would have a frank conversation, tell him exactly how this is making you feel and what you need. I know you feel embarrassed but its a necessity at this stage. Ban the porn firstly it’s contributing to this.

The next steps up to you. In my opinion it’s not worth throwing a way a good marriage for.

Pigeonqueen · 20/10/2024 13:46

How old is he? Has he always been like this? Having a sneaky wank to some porn is completely different in terms of the physical energy levels required to actually have sex with someone else. Maybe he’s just physically not up for it as much? I have found as I’m getting older and have health issues dh and I don’t have the energy for sex as much as we used to - it’s a bit like going out for a run!

Suddenfeelingofsadness · 20/10/2024 13:47

Could you suggest watching female directed, female production company owned porn together? It's great. You see it from a female perspective and it's very realistic (as in women don't cum instantly and they show a lot of foreplay). It'll show him what he should be doing!

JustForTheTasteOfItDC · 20/10/2024 13:51

I agree with @Thefirstdance

He clearly still has some sex drive, so it’s not as if he has zero libido, but the issue is he’s choosing not to be intimate with you and instead resorting to porn.

I wonder if he feels quite inadequate as a sexual man - not being able to pleasure you, not lasting long, having a partner with a higher drive. All a bit humiliating, really. Of course the draw of porn is that you can be sexual without feeling that same inadequacy, you never let anyone down. I suspect that’s why he is choosing porn over an actual sexual experience. That and also in attachment terms I wonder if he has an avoidant attachment and your pursuing him sexually (not that you are doing anything wrong in that - it’s perfectly normal to want to have a sexual relationship with your partner) pushes him into an even more avoidant position.

This dynamic has been going on for 20 years - there won’t be a quick fix. If he is willing to go to couple counselling or sex therapy then I think there can still be hope if the rest of the relationship is good. But if he won’t commit to that or really work to understand the impact on you, then that’s time to leave.

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