It's a sex one

[Notsomarryfloppins]

Married for 20+ years.
I have always had the higher sex drive, understand that we differ on that.
I never turn him down for intimacy, if that's a cuddle, Kissing, me giving him pleasure, full sex etc.
The sex is always in his favour. He 'gets there' pretty quickly and tbh that doesn't really bother me as I am happy with the connection , no he never makes sure I am satisfied.
Over the years I have raised the inequality in the sex side of things. He 9/10 turns down my advances.
But then he goes and watches porn when I'm not around.
Please don't get confused, I don't especially like the idea of him watching porn, but it's not a Beal breaker IF we are having sex.
Essentially, if I'm not getting turned down constantly and he wants so time to pleasure himself, crack on.
3 times this week, I've been tirned down.
Yesterday we were meant to go out together, he decided he didnt fancy going but I went as we had told friends we would be there.
This morning, I use his phone go to Google a shop opening time and the last searched thing is porn.
I'm pissed off.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed and hurt?

This man is going to destroy your self confidence OP.

I would leave.

20+ years and you have never told him what pleases you sexually? Maybe the sex is also not very satisfying for him? I agree with PPs who suggested counselling.

I think the wanking is a red herring - less masturbating doesn't necessarily equal more sex.

I don't care that he wanks. I do.
But not instead of having sex.

Have you tried sex toys? Make it clear your sex life is going more your way from now on. Imo he isn't that great a dh at all. He is leaving you hanging whilst keeping himself happy with and without you. You absolutely should care if you aren't having very fulfilling sex... Hell is this your life for the next 30 +years? Surely you deserve more?

His choice of porn might be telling

Lots of marriages end because of sex. I don’t think you would unreasonable to leave and find someone else.

If you have never fully talked about what you want in bed, then start there. Perhaps download the Gottman Card Decks app - it's got a bunch of questions and conversation prompts related to sex and general relationship building.

If you've told him "I want you to touch me here and in this specific way" and he doesn't do it, then there's nothing there to salvage. If I were you I'd stop having sex with him under those conditions.

So he is a porn addict: masturbating while watching other women being abused is more important to him than sex with you, his wife.
That's what porn does to men. It makes it impossible for them to have a healthy, normal relationship with a woman.
Why would you want to stay with a man like that?

To quote Samantha Jones, the idea that sex with no orgasm is still good sex is "a crock of shit".

I don’t think this is fair on him tbh. If I was with someone with a higher sex drive who asked/badgered me three times in one week and controlled my habits in my alone time it would drive me mad. Find someone with a higher sex drive that you’re more compatible with because I think he deserves better than this. He doesn’t owe you sex just because you want it, and his alone time is really none of your business.

His relationship is with porn.

Boak

He's got a good sex drive. He invests it all in his porn addiction.

I have no idea what he watches, or how often.
I might be reading more of an into the porn than there is.
My problem is his lack of willingness to be intimate with me when I want it. It's always about him.
I know another poster said 'badgering' for sex 3 times in a week but it's not like I'm asking countless times, issuing demands or getting stroppy.
For instance on sat morning the house was empty ehen we woke up. I cuddled up and asked if he wanted to take advantage of thr privacy. He said he needed to get on with bits before we went out. That's fine. Except he then decided not to go out and to please himself instead.
Previously it was weeks between sex and then I came on my period, suddenly that night (when there was no way I was going to have sex) he starts making moves. When I pointed out that it wasn't a good time he asked for me to help him out.
All in his favour.

Another porn slob who doesn't want sex with his wife and is selfish in bed.
Losers, every one of them.
OP, it does not get better. It only gets worse. Manufacturing chances to watch porn is compulsive behavior and not normal or healthy at all. It should be a deal breaker.

Life is too short for shit sex. Think of the fun you could be having with someone compatible and generous.

Absolutely right.

OP have you ever had an orgasm? What do you do to get your release?

Or are you using sex with your husband as an external yardstick of your attractiveness to yourself?

Why would you keep initiating sex with someone who a) doesn’t seem to want to do it with you much and b) can’t satisfy you?

Whats the point? What do you get out of it? Some sort of self esteem boost that he still fancies you? That your marriage still ‘works’ because you’re still having sex?

This seems like very low standards.

He treats you shoddily in my opinion.

Oh my darling. Life is too short not to get yours.

Start by addressing this.

Yes I have.
In the 20 odd years we have been together it's happened a handful of times.
I do when I do it myself

My issue isn't him having some alone fun. I think that's perfectly natural and right.
Mu issue is why do I get turned down? Is the sex shit for him? Am I unattractive to him?

And yes. I think a healthy marriage has a healthy sex life. That he should want to be intimate with me if he loves and desires me.

He’s just not that into you because he’s got his fancy women available at the touch of a swipe. And he’s choosing them over you.

There are so many threads on MN about this over and over again.

Lowered interest in wife. Wants to watch porn instead. In my view it’s being unfaithful.

Has it always been like this?

mobiles and streaming porn only became available around 2010.

Hes a selfish fucker when it comes to sex.

no he never makes sure I am satisfied.

What?! Why have you put up with that?