It's a sex one

[Notsomarryfloppins]

Married for 20+ years.
I have always had the higher sex drive, understand that we differ on that.
I never turn him down for intimacy, if that's a cuddle, Kissing, me giving him pleasure, full sex etc.
The sex is always in his favour. He 'gets there' pretty quickly and tbh that doesn't really bother me as I am happy with the connection , no he never makes sure I am satisfied.
Over the years I have raised the inequality in the sex side of things. He 9/10 turns down my advances.
But then he goes and watches porn when I'm not around.
Please don't get confused, I don't especially like the idea of him watching porn, but it's not a Beal breaker IF we are having sex.
Essentially, if I'm not getting turned down constantly and he wants so time to pleasure himself, crack on.
3 times this week, I've been tirned down.
Yesterday we were meant to go out together, he decided he didnt fancy going but I went as we had told friends we would be there.
This morning, I use his phone go to Google a shop opening time and the last searched thing is porn.
I'm pissed off.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed and hurt?

No. I don't fake it. I don't see the point in that.
For me the sex isn't about the ending, so that hasn't been thr problem from my side9

Mid 40s. This isn't a case of not managing to get ot maintain an election or any other physical issue.

Having a wank isn't the issue, ita the turning me down and then having a wank.

First paragraph - that's the way I live.
Sex on my own terms.
Is that a problem, or controlling?
Why not control this particular personal issue?
I'm 45, female, married 20 years.

I have previously suggested watching some together.

He was strongly against it. Essentially it was a mix of ' no that's weird' and embarrassment

I don't think this is looking optimistic. Do you really want to live like this forever?

No.
But when the rest of your life is settled and good, it seems shallow and pathetic to get to this point over sex

Sex on his own terms means he doesn't think about his partner's feelings or pleasure. If that describes you, it's very selfish behaviour.

You’re missing my point really. He’s not turning you down for sex with someone else. He’s turning you down to masturbate: it’s two completely different things in terms of energy and effort.

Yeah I get that. Except there is still sex. But when he wants it. And to get him off.
If it was zero sex at all then I might think that it was an energy issue!

Your say you have a higher sex drive than him but then you also say this, which suggests that sexual pleasure isn’t important to you, it’s just about the demonstration of his feelings for you / your closeness:

The sex is always in his favour. He 'gets there' pretty quickly and tbh that doesn't really bother me as I am happy with the connection , no he never makes sure I am satisfied.

You must get something out of sex with him or you wouldn’t want more of it. Is it possible you only want more of it because it has always been so restricted, and you see it as a kind of affirmation of his feelings for you when it happens?

Would you actually be happy getting more sex, if that sex was exactly like the sex you’ve been having until now?

If he won't watch porn with you because he's embarrassed, sex counselling won't work (I was going to suggest that)

Would he be shaken up enough by you suggesting you'll take a lover, to up his game?

There must be a reason he doesn't want sex and prefers to wank. It can't be that he finds pleasing you time consuming.....because he doesn't bother to please you

He sounds like a True Prince, doesn't he? 🙄😬

I would absolutely end a marriage over sex. You deserve more.

He doesn't care about your needs
Sex is all on his terms as he wants it
Does he have odd ideas that women should not like sex.
He probably doesn't like that you have a higher sex drive ,and him refusing you sex is giving him power over you ,
It's not an equal relationship
You could suggest counselling,but he will probably refuse
I think it's about power in the relationship,and he's exerting his over you by refusing sex.
It's like he's punishing you , especially as you said something I took to mean he doesn't make you cum during sex ,yet he does himself.
Plus he's selfish
And you don't need a reason to end a relationship,but if you did ,this is definitely a good enough reason

To be honest, I have no idea.
Very possible that feeling loved and desired and sex are all mixed up in my head.

Tell him that he needs to attend to your needs before you actually have interiors. You are married to a man who is selfish in the bedroom Department.

Why should the op have to perform what he is watching on the Internet though? Sex shouldn't be a bloody performance for his benefit, it should be aimed at both people's pleasure.

I felt like a total prat a few years ago when I thought the issue was boredom. I got some sexy underwear, some playful dressing up bits etc...and he told me it was weird / cringe

There is the possibility that hr just has no sexual attraction to me.

I can’t get past him not having any interest at all in your pleasure. That’s really spectacularly selfish. Why have you never said anything?!

Do you know what kind of porn he is watching?

Sorry to mention this (just to rule it out) it isn't gay porn?

Does he not tell you how lovely you are and that he fancies you?
Does he not cuddle you as a foreplay to sex?
Does he not enjoy it if (when ) you come, if ever?

If the answers here are no, then you have a long path ahead.

You could consider an Open relationship. Especially as he already has one on his side what with all his solo wanking over other women. What do you think he would say if you suggested it?
»Since you prefer wanking over sex, but I prefer sex over wanking I suggest we Open our relationship».
Mind you, I think in your case it would equal a split.

Personally sex, love, intimacy, connection, and confidence are all interlinked. I would find the situation you describe to be quite soul destroying, certainly undermining to my confidence and peace of mind. I don’t think you are unreasonable to be upset over this, and it sounds as if he does nothing but refuse when you try and address the problem. I guess you are left with a sexless marriage, or no marriage. Only you can know if the other parts of the marriage are worth not having a satisfying and respectful sex life.

He's a totally selfish twat and you've let him get away with it for years. I'd be making him aware that he isn't getting you off and you would like him to invest some time and effort into that and see if he will. I doubt he will but it's worth a shot.

Ooh it sounds like you met my ex. This situation will destroy your self esteem. There are better relationships and better lovers out there. What stops you from calling time on this awful relationship?

Yes, he does tell me he loves me, kisses me every day, all that.
But
It's like he's too lazy to care that, for me, sex and love go hand in hand when you're married.

20 years. 3kids. A life that we have built together.