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AIBU?

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Original poster

How long to calm down after an argument

63 replies

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 04:53

Just wondering is there a norm for this. Am waiting for someone to calm down after we had n argument. They said they would be in touch when they calmed down: how long would it take you. For me 24 hours or less and I'm usually over something like that. Maybe other people hold onto the anger for longer though. Not saying either is good or bad just wondering what's your timescale like. Can't sleep. Again 🙈

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 20/10/2024 05:14

I'm in the minutes category after I calm down revisit the reason for a row and sort it out amicably for a solution that suits both of us.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 05:27

Yeh I might take a couple of hours . This person has been calming down since wed teatime. Long time - feels long to me tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 05:28

I'm still awake I went to bed around 11 🙈

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/10/2024 05:33

It sounds like they're giving you the silent treatment under the guise of needing to calm down, since Wednesday is ridiculous to not speak to you.

Journeyintomelody · 20/10/2024 05:34

Minutes. It usually takes 10 minutes of quite reflection to realise that being in a grump is worse than getting along and being happy. 30 minutes if I was raging!

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 05:37

They sent me a txt on Fri just saying they did not want to discuss anything or talk about the argument. That they needed to wait until they calm down.

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 20/10/2024 05:46

That's playing games with you in my opinion.
I'm sorry this person is doing this to you because their behaviour towards you is having an impact on you..IE not sleeping etc.

Journeyintomelody · 20/10/2024 05:49

I second @Thevelvelletes . This is a control tactic.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 06:01

Yes it's interesting. When it first happened I was desperate to talk about it and resolve things and I apologized for my part but since getting their txt on Fri saying they don't want to discuss it or talk about anything etc I've come to realize maybe this person isn't as nice as I had thought. I feel this could go on for weeks but we shall see. I mean can an argument be just one persons fault I'm wondering now. Obvs if it's cheating on ur partner or something like that but this argument was building for a few weeks from my POV but they don't want to hear anything from me. I apologized and took the blame for everything but am thinking now that I should be allowed express what I was feeling and what built up to it

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 20/10/2024 06:06

Of course your feelings are valid.good luck op .. perhaps you don't need this person in your life.

MoveToParis · 20/10/2024 06:08

Are you in a relationship with them? I would block and forget they exist.

I would definitely end the relationship and be very clear that their multi-day sulk isn’t something that will be part of your life. The pathetic attempt at punishing you is also something you don’t want, and if it genuinely takes him this long to calm down then he is not the right person for you.

autienotnaughty · 20/10/2024 07:08

I would say this isa control thing. They want you to feel suitably punished before contacting you. Next time you row you will be more careful so not to be cast out.

I wouldn't like this , I'm all for giving someone space after a row but not days.

GiraffeTree · 20/10/2024 07:12

I don't think this is reasonable on their part. Needing to spend several days "calming down" tips into sulking or giving you the silent treatment IMO.

If you're in a relationship with this person, would your consider couples counselling? Improving your communication skills and conflict resolution techniques is something that a good therapist would definitely be able to help you with.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 07:15

It's just a friend I've been friends with for many years but there's never been any conflict before. They said they will not be pressured into resolving it (obvs cos I had sent an apology soon after it happened) and thst they need time to process what happened. Yes I am getting my punishment I think that's the way they are looking at it. They said they don't want to talk or discuss anything as they hadn't decided what to do yet and would not be pressured to resolve it.

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 20/10/2024 07:17

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 07:15

It's just a friend I've been friends with for many years but there's never been any conflict before. They said they will not be pressured into resolving it (obvs cos I had sent an apology soon after it happened) and thst they need time to process what happened. Yes I am getting my punishment I think that's the way they are looking at it. They said they don't want to talk or discuss anything as they hadn't decided what to do yet and would not be pressured to resolve it.

It really depends what the argument was about.

You can't pressure someone to feel ready on your timescales.

You have to let them work it out, while you simultaneously work out how you feel about that.

Barezvizar · 20/10/2024 07:19

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 07:15

It's just a friend I've been friends with for many years but there's never been any conflict before. They said they will not be pressured into resolving it (obvs cos I had sent an apology soon after it happened) and thst they need time to process what happened. Yes I am getting my punishment I think that's the way they are looking at it. They said they don't want to talk or discuss anything as they hadn't decided what to do yet and would not be pressured to resolve it.

It depends what the argument was about, can you give us the gist of it?

leafybrew · 20/10/2024 07:19

15 minutes tops.

What was said?

Owly11 · 20/10/2024 07:31

I think more context is needed. Why did you apologise? Did you do something wrong or was it more that they were upset and you didn't mean them to get upset? If you are losing sleep over it, it sounds like you are feeling very anxious about leaving something unresolved. I think a lot would depend on whether this person does reach out to resolve things at some point. If they do, then maybe they were very upset and needed time to process things. if they never take steps to resolve things then maybe it's more controlling. It's hard to say on so little information and sometimes you can't really know until the whole thing has played out. I do think you need to manage your own anxiety and give this person some time. If it was a partner I would say differently- it ought to be discussed sooner. But for a friend I don't think it's unreasonable to give them a few weeks.

Mookthecat · 20/10/2024 07:32

Barezvizar · 20/10/2024 07:19

It depends what the argument was about, can you give us the gist of it?

Show quote history

It still shouldn’t take days.
Even if OP was completely to blame and behaved very badly, the other person can reflect and decide what to do about it and either tell OP they want nothing more to do with them or discuss it like an adult. This should happen same day as argument.

This sounds like silent treatment as a control tactic. It’s a form of bullying.

Forget the argument, OP. You have to decide now what you want to do about their bullying.

daisychain01 · 20/10/2024 07:32

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 05:37

They sent me a txt on Fri just saying they did not want to discuss anything or talk about the argument. That they needed to wait until they calm down.

Keeping you dangling on a thread waiting for them to deign to talk to you again, is controlling.

Are they always like that? Are they worth the hassle?

I'd be thinking - blow that, take as long as you like, hopefully a few millennia.

that said, it would be helpful to know more about the argument. If it's an ongoing disagreement, where there's an impasse and no way forward, that can feel frustrating and futile. If it's a petty disagreement that's a completely different matter.

EdinaMonsoon · 20/10/2024 07:34

It really depends on what you were arguing about. Something trivial should be anything from 15 minutes to an hour max. Something significant could take a few days. Whatever her reason, you should give her time whilst considering whether or not you think this friendship is sustainable. If it’s your first argument with a long term friendship then I would be inclined to be more forgiving. Focus on what you want the end result to be.

tsmainsqueeze · 20/10/2024 07:49

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 07:15

It's just a friend I've been friends with for many years but there's never been any conflict before. They said they will not be pressured into resolving it (obvs cos I had sent an apology soon after it happened) and thst they need time to process what happened. Yes I am getting my punishment I think that's the way they are looking at it. They said they don't want to talk or discuss anything as they hadn't decided what to do yet and would not be pressured to resolve it.

Is it possible you may have hurt them so much that they are still really upset and this is nothing to do with control just them thinking over what's been said ?
Just because you may be over it in a couple of hours doesn't mean they are or ever will be .
This isn't bullying its someone possibly feeling some of the many emotions felt after an argument.
Face the fact your friendship may be over and give them space and back off.

Eenameenadeeka · 20/10/2024 08:01

Hard to know without knowing what the argument was about

Alalalala · 20/10/2024 08:03

Depends on the argument. Was it started by you? Did it involve you sharing how their behaviour made you feel?

BleachedJumper · 20/10/2024 08:12

I wouldn’t expect to be in daily communication with a friend, so I would think a few days/week for some space is not unreasonable.