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Original poster

How long to calm down after an argument

63 replies

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 04:53

Just wondering is there a norm for this. Am waiting for someone to calm down after we had n argument. They said they would be in touch when they calmed down: how long would it take you. For me 24 hours or less and I'm usually over something like that. Maybe other people hold onto the anger for longer though. Not saying either is good or bad just wondering what's your timescale like. Can't sleep. Again 🙈

OP posts:
TwinklyAmberOrca · 20/10/2024 18:04

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 07:15

It's just a friend I've been friends with for many years but there's never been any conflict before. They said they will not be pressured into resolving it (obvs cos I had sent an apology soon after it happened) and thst they need time to process what happened. Yes I am getting my punishment I think that's the way they are looking at it. They said they don't want to talk or discuss anything as they hadn't decided what to do yet and would not be pressured to resolve it.

Well if you've never had conflict before and it's you apologising, you've clearly done something to really upset them or piss them off or betray their trust.

So to be honest I would give them as long as they need, at least a week or two, and let them think things through. The ball is in their court and they'll message when they're ready.

If you're not willing to wait and are going to be petty and block them because they haven't replied in time then that's your choice.

DoreenonTill8 · 20/10/2024 18:05

. I think resentment can build if one person refuses to engage.
Why does that matter if the other party doesn't want to engage?
"I'm not going to like you if you don't want to be my friend"?🙄

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 18:08

No she had no thanks to me for my apology. She didn't mention anything in her msg about where I might be coming from. She outlined "her truth" of what happened but she doesn't understand or even seem to want to know where I was coming from. I think the thing is I am a people pleaser and I never said boo to her before I always say nothing even if she annoys me or in some instances upsets me. Maybe I should send her the long message I wrote explaining where I was coming from as she doesn't get it at all she's oblivious. I don't think she thinks much about what other people think she's very caught up in her own feelings and actions. It's annoying me as I'd like to be able to say why I snapped . Prob should just leave it and forget about it tho right or is there anything to lose now by saying what I want I'm not sure

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 18:09

@TwinklyAmberOrca she's already blocked me again so it's a moot point really

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 20/10/2024 18:10

@spanieleyes22 but is it the same woman you already have threads about the ghosting/fall out?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2024 18:16

That’s not calming down, as other say, that’s the silent treatment.

I’m a quick calmer downer even if I can lose my temper in the moment. I value that quality in others, ie being able to calm down and not hold a massive grudge (esp if something was fairly 50:50 in the first place)

MarkingBad · 20/10/2024 18:18

Projectme · 20/10/2024 08:31

Depends on what you were arguing about...what was said by whom etc?

This happened to a friend of mine. She had a lifelong friend but they had a ding dong...on the surface, no biggie really but when she sat and thought of all the times this friend of hers had been (genuinely) out of order, she decided enough was enough. It was a kind of 'straw that broke the camels back' kind of scenario.

My friend took a few days to process what happened during the ding dong, what her friend had said at the time and her overall behaviour, because she was in shock over what had happened...whilst not a 'big event or massive shouty argument at the time, she was floored by her friends behaviour and it took sometime to unravel how she felt.

So yeah, it all depends on what was said really and over what. 🤷‍♀️

This!

I has this situation with a long term (now X) friend and she had been such a shit from day 1 I met her the last time she manufactured a situation that made me look like a prat was the very last straw.

Ordinarily I take a few minutes to calm down but sometimes it can be a few days if it's bad enough

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2024 18:18

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 18:08

No she had no thanks to me for my apology. She didn't mention anything in her msg about where I might be coming from. She outlined "her truth" of what happened but she doesn't understand or even seem to want to know where I was coming from. I think the thing is I am a people pleaser and I never said boo to her before I always say nothing even if she annoys me or in some instances upsets me. Maybe I should send her the long message I wrote explaining where I was coming from as she doesn't get it at all she's oblivious. I don't think she thinks much about what other people think she's very caught up in her own feelings and actions. It's annoying me as I'd like to be able to say why I snapped . Prob should just leave it and forget about it tho right or is there anything to lose now by saying what I want I'm not sure

I think that’s what you (and I, not saying this isn’t me) get for being a people pleaser.

People like this drop you very quickly and often painfully - and in a long, drawn out way - if you then say boo to them. Or don’t go along with their crap.

And they wouldn’t do that if you’d been boundaried and shown yourself as knowing your own worth to begin with.

People pleasers never seem to please, in short.

Gazelda · 20/10/2024 18:20

How frequently have you tried to contact her since Wednesday?

Itsannamay · 20/10/2024 18:34

It can typically be a few days for me, depending on the level of hurt.

Dh seems to be able to move on in a matter of hours.

FIL said some horrible things to DH and its taking me ages to get over that...like months. Don't think I'll ever forget it.

But if you are always the one to apologise and they feel they never do anything wrong or never take accountability...you might be waiting. If you have apologised, I'm not sure what else you can do.

sonjadog · 20/10/2024 18:42

Immediate anger can take about 20 minutes, but for something serious and where hurt feelings are involved, it might take a couple of weeks.

leave your friend be for now, and let her get in touch when she is ready.

AngelicKaty · 20/10/2024 18:49

sonjadog · 20/10/2024 18:42

Immediate anger can take about 20 minutes, but for something serious and where hurt feelings are involved, it might take a couple of weeks.

leave your friend be for now, and let her get in touch when she is ready.

Exactly this. And if she doesn't get in touch just accept the friendship is over. (Since you've already apologised there's nothing more you can do and nothing else you need to reproach yourself for.)

Mamasperspective · 20/10/2024 23:05

Depends on the context of the argument and what has happened

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