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Original poster

How long to calm down after an argument

63 replies

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 04:53

Just wondering is there a norm for this. Am waiting for someone to calm down after we had n argument. They said they would be in touch when they calmed down: how long would it take you. For me 24 hours or less and I'm usually over something like that. Maybe other people hold onto the anger for longer though. Not saying either is good or bad just wondering what's your timescale like. Can't sleep. Again 🙈

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 20/10/2024 08:17

Depends what the argument was about really. If it something trivial then people will obviously come around quicker than if you were to of betrayed someone badly. Just because you are sorry and want to move on doesn’t mean the other person should be ready

OneDandyPoet · 20/10/2024 08:22

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 07:15

It's just a friend I've been friends with for many years but there's never been any conflict before. They said they will not be pressured into resolving it (obvs cos I had sent an apology soon after it happened) and thst they need time to process what happened. Yes I am getting my punishment I think that's the way they are looking at it. They said they don't want to talk or discuss anything as they hadn't decided what to do yet and would not be pressured to resolve it.

Ok, this is not your friend. No one should be treating any one like this. They are being dishonest and manipulative. Has this behaviour not put you off this friendship? So disrespectful and immature of this person. Do they treat all their other friends like shit, as well?

Projectme · 20/10/2024 08:31

Depends on what you were arguing about...what was said by whom etc?

This happened to a friend of mine. She had a lifelong friend but they had a ding dong...on the surface, no biggie really but when she sat and thought of all the times this friend of hers had been (genuinely) out of order, she decided enough was enough. It was a kind of 'straw that broke the camels back' kind of scenario.

My friend took a few days to process what happened during the ding dong, what her friend had said at the time and her overall behaviour, because she was in shock over what had happened...whilst not a 'big event or massive shouty argument at the time, she was floored by her friends behaviour and it took sometime to unravel how she felt.

So yeah, it all depends on what was said really and over what. 🤷‍♀️

UhOhSpagettiOh · 20/10/2024 08:38

I hate it when people jump to the conclusion that having space is purposefully giving someone the silent treatment. I am a slow processor and I'm entitled to have spave and distance to process my thoughts before I talk about them. It's got nothing to do with me trying to inflict anything on another person, it's to do with me needing the time.

MoveToParis · 20/10/2024 08:43

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 07:15

It's just a friend I've been friends with for many years but there's never been any conflict before. They said they will not be pressured into resolving it (obvs cos I had sent an apology soon after it happened) and thst they need time to process what happened. Yes I am getting my punishment I think that's the way they are looking at it. They said they don't want to talk or discuss anything as they hadn't decided what to do yet and would not be pressured to resolve it.

They would be dead to me. Honestly, just block.

Guavafish1 · 20/10/2024 08:44

3 days

MoveToParis · 20/10/2024 08:48

UhOhSpagettiOh · 20/10/2024 08:38

I hate it when people jump to the conclusion that having space is purposefully giving someone the silent treatment. I am a slow processor and I'm entitled to have spave and distance to process my thoughts before I talk about them. It's got nothing to do with me trying to inflict anything on another person, it's to do with me needing the time.

Well sometimes, the length of time needed to process is so long that the other decides you are too high maintenance and sulky to bother with you. I’m certain you will have already experienced this in your life that people don’t accept your protestations at face value and make their own mind up.

Of course the other part is that when one takes ages to process, they then expect the other to not engage with the actual issue, which inevitably never gets discussed.

So actually there is no “jumping to conclusions” at all. There is years or even decades of being in the shitty end of this stick.

Mskrabapple · 20/10/2024 08:50

I work full time, have a husband, kids, pet, a good friend in hospital who is a single parent so am helping out there, a parent undergoing surgery next week, my own chronic health conditions… me taking longer to get back to a friend, a friend I’m upset with, wouldn’t be silent treatment - it would simply be that I just didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with something according to someone else’s timeframe.

Perhaps she is being petty or controlling, but it really hadn’t been that long. Take a step back, decide what your boundaries are and wait and see what happens.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/10/2024 09:01

I have seen plenty of threads on here where advice is step back and take a couple of weeks to think about what you want from this relationship. So I wouldn't necessarily think you are being given the silent treatment or your friend is being controlling. She has asked for space let her have it.

Dawevi · 20/10/2024 09:06

I have been in this situation. I gave her all the space she needed. So far it's been about 13 years of space. She never contacted me again because she expected me to go grovelling to her (even though she was actually in the wrong) and I just couldn't be bothered with her princessy ways any more.

I suggest you do the same OP. People like this are hard work and not worth it.

Thelittlecatinatree · 20/10/2024 10:02

@spanieleyes22 Is this the same friend you had a thread about a few days ago, or is this a different friend?

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 20/10/2024 10:39

I was in this situation a while ago op - my friend of 35 years and l had a major disagreement - both sets of feelings were valid but we had to decide if it was worth losing a friendship over. I was never going to grovel and told her she could have all the time in the world that she needed and l would be there if she wanted me to be. Left her to it and she came back. Sometimes people need time

Mookthecat · 20/10/2024 16:42

UhOhSpagettiOh · 20/10/2024 08:38

I hate it when people jump to the conclusion that having space is purposefully giving someone the silent treatment. I am a slow processor and I'm entitled to have spave and distance to process my thoughts before I talk about them. It's got nothing to do with me trying to inflict anything on another person, it's to do with me needing the time.

Having space is ok and perfectly acceptable. Thus, it may be several weeks before I contact a friend. However, if there has been an issue or argument on last interaction it needs to be resolved asap. It should be recognised by both that the air needs to be cleared and to not do so may be stressful for one or both. I wouldn’t blame OP if she thinks her friend is too much like hard work and doesn’t bother with her again.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 17:10

Thanks all. I do think it's unfair of her to block any communication . I've always thought the best way to resolve things is to have a chat and let both people say their truth. Often it diffuses the whole situation imo. I think resentment can build if one person refuses to engage. Obvs there are exceptions for extreme things where talking can't ever get over what happened. She has me blocked again. I think she must have unblocked me to read my apology as it still has one grey tick but if u go to info it says it's been read x the whole blocking thing is a bit immature imo? I dunno whether to block her too or is that just childish. Feel like a punished child being disciplined

OP posts:
Mookthecat · 20/10/2024 17:26

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 17:10

Thanks all. I do think it's unfair of her to block any communication . I've always thought the best way to resolve things is to have a chat and let both people say their truth. Often it diffuses the whole situation imo. I think resentment can build if one person refuses to engage. Obvs there are exceptions for extreme things where talking can't ever get over what happened. She has me blocked again. I think she must have unblocked me to read my apology as it still has one grey tick but if u go to info it says it's been read x the whole blocking thing is a bit immature imo? I dunno whether to block her too or is that just childish. Feel like a punished child being disciplined

I wouldn’t block but obviously this will shape your opinion of her and your future relationship with her. Just don’t get over invested in her again to the point where what she thinks is so important you lose sleep over it.
When / if she gets in touch again don’t be over keen to reply asap. Something like this would make me very guarded going forward in order to avoid getting hurt again.

feathermucker · 20/10/2024 17:30

Depends what was said. Something minor and I would expect it to be resolved with reasonable speed.

You're not required to wait for this person to calm down, but similarly they are not required to calm down on your timescale.

What happened?

ConfusedBear · 20/10/2024 17:32

To be honest, if your friend not contacting you is taking up this much of your headspace to the point that it's effecting your sleep then maybe you aren't as calm about the argument as you think.

A previous poster mentioned advice often seen on here to wait a couple of weeks before getting in touch with people. Why not set a reminder in your phone to check in with friend two or three weeks after you had the argument? Then you can put it out of your mind until then and concentrate on other areas of your life.

DoreenonTill8 · 20/10/2024 17:32

As many pp, depends what it's about, and how often things like this have happened.
I had a friend who was always being rude, bitchy under the guise of 'joking' who would then 'apologise' and expect everything to be all OK again straight away.

Oblomov24 · 20/10/2024 17:32

I don't see this as a control thing at all. I calm very quickly myself, but Dh needs ages, and friends I know need many days to calm down and process it all.

DoreenonTill8 · 20/10/2024 17:35

Thelittlecatinatree · 20/10/2024 10:02

@spanieleyes22 Is this the same friend you had a thread about a few days ago, or is this a different friend?

I remember this now, is this the third thread about the same friend or 3 different friends?

dreamer24 · 20/10/2024 17:39

Thelittlecatinatree · 20/10/2024 10:02

@spanieleyes22 Is this the same friend you had a thread about a few days ago, or is this a different friend?

Ah yes I remember. In her other thread OP said the friend had said she was too intense or something similar? If I recall correctly.

MonsteraMama · 20/10/2024 17:40

I do think it depends what was said. A very old friend of mine said something in a heated moment about a miscarriage I had and it literally took me months before I could even look at her without wanting to claw her eyes out, so I respectfully asked for space and time to process and that I'd talk to her when I felt ready emotionally to have that conversation without it descending into tears and shouting.

So if you said or did something really heinous I think it's fair enough to leave the ball in their court until they're ready. If you were arguing over whether to get chips or a curry then they're being a bellend.

Demererera · 20/10/2024 17:44

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 17:10

Thanks all. I do think it's unfair of her to block any communication . I've always thought the best way to resolve things is to have a chat and let both people say their truth. Often it diffuses the whole situation imo. I think resentment can build if one person refuses to engage. Obvs there are exceptions for extreme things where talking can't ever get over what happened. She has me blocked again. I think she must have unblocked me to read my apology as it still has one grey tick but if u go to info it says it's been read x the whole blocking thing is a bit immature imo? I dunno whether to block her too or is that just childish. Feel like a punished child being disciplined

But this sounds like you want to open it up again, when you say both people should ‘say their truth’. That might be something she doesn’t have the energy to deal with, as if you’re at an impasse it probably means going round in circles again, and is a bit different from saying sorry and moving on. I had a friend who kept wanting to ‘resolve’ an argument about something that was completely abstract for her and very personal for me, and although I would have been happy to agree to disagree she couldn’t drop it and we’re not friends anymore.

AngelicKaty · 20/10/2024 17:54

spanieleyes22 · 20/10/2024 17:10

Thanks all. I do think it's unfair of her to block any communication . I've always thought the best way to resolve things is to have a chat and let both people say their truth. Often it diffuses the whole situation imo. I think resentment can build if one person refuses to engage. Obvs there are exceptions for extreme things where talking can't ever get over what happened. She has me blocked again. I think she must have unblocked me to read my apology as it still has one grey tick but if u go to info it says it's been read x the whole blocking thing is a bit immature imo? I dunno whether to block her too or is that just childish. Feel like a punished child being disciplined

She should have thanked you for your apology even if she wasn't/isn't ready to talk to you yet. You wrote that she told you that she "needed to wait until she calms down" and that could well be because she's worried about starting the argument all over again. However, I'm afraid the action of blocking you is probably your answer - I'm not sure she's ever going to be ready to talk to you again. Sorry OP.

BabyCloud · 20/10/2024 17:56

Leave them to it and please don’t make yourself ill worrying about it.