Apparently I’m a c*#t

[Newbie986]

My partner plays sport and won a big game today. I went to the game, cheered them on and celebrated with them immediately after the game. We then returned home and my partner got ready to go out to the pub with team mates. The original plan was that I would go out later to meet them to celebrate. I wanted to leave her have some time celebrating with her teammates and not have to worry about me as it is her local pub and I’m new to the area. When getting ready to leave she decided she wanted me to go immediately with her incase not everyone was there. I declined, reassured her that plenty of her teammates, coaches etc would be already there and said I would pop down later. She saw red and called me a c*#t twice and said she hated me. This isn’t the first time and there’s never an apology for any outbursts, only if I didn’t do x, y or z it wouldn’t have happened or she might say a few days later, if you weren’t so moody! I getting to a point where I’m at my wits end.

she also has a temper and basically has said she’s always had it and that’s the way it is.
This is a disclaimer. It's her way of saying 'I warned you. You have to accept it.'
My partner once said to me early in our (living together by this stage) relationship 'I know I'm difficult to live with.'
That was it, he had given me fair warning, so afterwards it was like 'what did you expect? I told you. I acknowledged that I was difficult. If you have a problem with that, it's your problem.'
I'm paraphrasing but you get the gist.
That statement serves to excuse shitty behaviour and believe me, it doesn't get better.

Are you familiar with the acronym DARVO?

I'd leave her for that. I certainly wouldn't be going to the pub.

She saw red when you didn't do what she wanted.

That's what you need to consider, and then think about how many more times you will put up with it.

you now have a simple choice to make.Stay, and that is how its going to be (they have said so in terms) So-are you prepared to accept that?

I am not joking!
I'd rather be punched in the face than utter that vile word. That's how strongly I feel about that!!!. People say "it's just a word" but, for me, it just gets my back up.
Classless

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I haven’t read all the replies so apologies if I repeat what’s already been said, but I’ll say it anyway, YOU ARE EXPERIENCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, your partner will not change, they will get worse, more controlling and demanding, you are at a really high risk of physical or mental damage.
Please confide in a trusted person nearby and work out a plan to finish the relationship, it will be hard, there will be many days when you feel bad for wanting to get away, but get away you must.
Going to a Therapist is maybe a good idea to help with the trauma you have/will go through.
Dont underestimate the impact of their behaviour.
Dig Deep, make that plan and get away.Good luck 🙏🏼

I understand you don't like the word - lots of people don't - but you think someone using a word you don't like gives you the right to punch them in the face?

If a woman called her boyfriend a cunt in anger, and he punched her in the face for it, you would think that was fine?

Sorry, I honestly don't mean to be picking on you personally, but I'm pretty shocked that you said this and nobody else has questioned it - is this a standard view? Do lots of people agree that use of swear words justifies violence? It's not a view I have heard before.

I thought it was pretty well accepted that, while swearing at someone can be verbally abusive (depending on context), this is less severe than actually physically assaulting somebody.

Calling your partner a cunt in a threatening way because they won't immediately do exactly what you say? Well, that person sounds like a sociopath or narcissist or like they have extreme anger issues. And no respect whatsoever.

You should not put up with it. It is bullying and abusive. I could just about, at a push, imagine someone uttering the c word in a fit of rage during an extremely heated argument. But even then you'd expect an apology almost immediately afterwards.

She's trying to gaslight you and claim it's your fault she calls you these horrible names?

I see no positive reasons to continue this relationship. You deserve much, much better.

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt.
I could say it a million times. I could dance around saying it in front of someone, but if that someone punched me in the face - for you did say I'd rather be punched in the face than utter that vile word - that someone could rightly be imprisoned.

It's just a word.

What matters here for the OP was context & her partner's intention.

This is very much verbal and emotional abuse. It's time to call it quits, especially since she said that this is just how it is. She's never going to change.

She is a bossy control freak. Get rid.

This resonated me with me as I used to be with a (same sex) partner who told me very early on that she had the “inability” to say sorry, ever. Foolishly I ignored this red flag. It turned out that she never, ever apologised for any unkind behaviour, row, etc. About a year later, we were going away for a weekend break, and at the airport I jokingly asked her why she had brought her huge, heavy camera with her on holiday, when we could have bought a pocket disposable in duty free, and out of nowhere following this very minor comment, she called me a c**t. I was speechless with shock and demanded an apology which, of course, was not forthcoming. We then had 3 very unhappy days in another country not speaking to one another at all, because I was insisting on an apology, which I never, ever got.

I’ve no idea why looking back, but I stayed in that toxic relationship for several more years of emotional abuse. So I can tell you for a fact, it will only get worse. Run for the hills, and don’t look back.

Don’t wait around for her to grow up and change - she’ll only get worse.

This is part of a pattern such verbal abuse, you say? Then please drop her like a hot rock. She's controlling as well as abusive. When she doesn't get her way, she's vicious.
This will only get worse.

100%

Have you heard of a Jekyll and Hyde character?

Your partner called you a cut. Tell her to get fuced.

This.

She is an abusive cunt, winter change, ever, your life is miserable with her. Leave. You will regret giving her all the chances you'll end up giving her.

It will do you both a favour if you walk.

She clearly felt let down by you given there was no real reason you couldn't have gone with her at the start. What was the problem with showing support when she actually wanted it?
Sounds like you wanted to go after it had warmed up and you could cramp her style by gracing the pub with your presence to me.

Indeed. That was my point. I am also ADHD, but I don’t behave like that. All ND people are different. The behaviour OP described reminded me of my ADHD daughter when she was 9. That isn’t me speculating that ALL people with ADHD behave like this. Climb down….

The minute anyone called me that word I’d be out the door so fast…

It’s fine. We are fine. I am also ADHD and fortunately know how to manage her as she learns to navigate the world. But my point is that if she is ND and hasn’t been parented in a way that means she develops into an empathetic and well rounded person then her childlike tantrumy behaviour just isn’t going to change. Perhaps evidenced by the fact she’s done this before and not been apologetic afterwards. Whatever the root cause she isn’t changing. You deserve better and I think you know that. You’re experiencing abuse and it is scary to leave someone in this circumstances but it will be much harder once you have kids and a mortgage and your self confidence is on the floor from years of being treated like this. 🫂

People have said to me she we’ve met that she’s so happy and a different person. I just can’t get my head around it

Possibly you, do you think?

Waiting to hear why you couldn't have gone to the pub with her first thing when she asked you for support.

@AndThereSheGoes What was the problem with showing support when she actually wanted it? I spent my day supporting her, cooking, going to the game, cheering her on etc. How do you know when someone actually wants support when they are frequently asking things of you?

Regarding the pub and waiting until it warmed up. Sorry that’s not me. I’m not a pub person, especially when it comes to spending 7 hours there. However, I do go regularly with my partner to support her, as it’s something she likes to do.