Husbands 'emotions'

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Whenever my husband is mildly inconvenienced, or sad, or hungry or any other negative emotion, he comes across as angry. He tells me that I shouldn't take notice of this because he's not angry 'at me'. I don't know how I'm supposed to do that when he's stomping around the house shouting at the dogs etc etc.

We've discussed this many times. He's said that I'm trying to censor his emotions or that I only want him to feel certain emotions. I tell him that I just want him to express emotions in a healthier way - or at least acknowledge the actual emotions he's feeling rather than being angry by default.

We've just had a fight now because I've walked the dogs this morning (my only 'free time' I have in the week - 1hr15ush on sat and sun mornings) and I've come back to him being angry because DD is coughing (he's actually worried) and because she's not wearing socks and stepped outside to greet me.

For a balanced perspective he is under stress atm with a new job start and various other things however, he's always like this about one thing or another.

I just don't know what to do. We've been through so much this past year and I don't know how much more I can take of being the one to constantly manage everything to try and ensure he isn't in someway upset, but I'm not sure if he's right that I'm trying to police his emotions in some way?

He needs to take himself.out of the situation until he has himself under control. He can feel all his emotions outside or in the bathroom.until he isn't negatively impacting you, your child or the dogs.

He can change, if he wants to. Simply understanding what emotions are, how they arise and how to respond to them would be extremely helpful for him.

My hubby went like this when his mum died, so I could understand his emotions. But after enough time has passed i reminded him that we are all grieving and we had to live with his ongoing bad mood.
He needed to sort out not only his knee jerk reaction to being angry (and calm down somewhere so he can respnod instead of knee jerk react) but also to fix his resting bitch face, and give his head a wobble appropriately.

This is his problem and he needs to ride out these emotions in a healthy way. Don't let it get you or you family. He needs to grow up and start behaving more maturely, and seek counselling if needed (this helped my hubby as he grieved his mums sudden death).

I bet he doesn’t have these ‘emotions’
at work or in the shop etc
It is a choice

Totally this.
My DH is the same when he is stressed at work and needs reminding that he can't take that out on the rest of us. He is in a period of that at the moment and the constant stomping about, sighing and snapping at us all is wearing.
He won't change jobs though so 🤷🏻‍♀️

No you aren't trying to control him or his emotions, you are rightfully asking him to be emotionally mature enough to not let his manner of dealing and expressing them affect his supposed loved ones....
He is behaving like a toddler.

Oh, FGS...
Let him wallow and mellow, sort himself out.
Does he get better when he's not hungry, for example?
As a PP said, as long as it doesn't affect anyone else, which is doable.
My husband, who is three decades older, comes across as an angry 🐻 bear.
He claims he's hardly ever angry with me.
Others see him as grumpy as well, however he'd do anything for me. I'm 45, married for 20 years.
If your husband isn't a genuinely angry, shouty bastard with unresolved issues (sorry), then let him snap out of it - he's an adult.

He should make the effort to better channel his actual emotions for your daughter's sake. It's actually quite confusing (and potentially contributes to negative emotional development) to see a conflict in how someone acts and how they deny they are feeling.

I do actually have some sympathy with him as my anxiety can come across as frustration and low tolerance sometimes. I think maybe asking him how he feels and why it seems like it's anger might help, and is there a thr ay he can communicate when it's not anger?

If it was just me I'd recalibrate my assumptions of "how he comes across" vs "what he's feeling" but you can't expect a child to do this, and it won't hurt him to try and change anyway.

You are not censoring his emotions, he is however choosing to inflict them onto you and the dogs instead of dealing with them himself. He is emotionally immature and either hasn't learned hope to deal with his emotions or courses not to do the work to deal with them in an adult manner .

You're bringing up your daughter to accept that men are angry. She may end up with an angry man herself.

For some people, anger feels safe because you're not vulnerable. Some people haven't got a clue how they're really feeling and express themselves through anger.

He could really do with some counselling. Mindfulness would also really help.

So he’s been like this your entire relationship, you married him and had a kid with him and now it bothers you?

You want to change him now?

I get it’s not nice and you might not like it but honestly you knew this the whole time. You should never try to change anyone.

However he feels, he doesn't get to use it as an excuse to abuse his family and dogs. Does he think that people who don't act angry and abusive feel nothing?

Your DD will grow up thinking it's normal for men to be angry all the time. Not good

Explain how shit it is to constantly hear angry sounds. So draining, you can’t relax, does he want his women around angry men, etc.

Every man I have ever known has been like this, to a greater or lesser degree. It's simply because they can get away with it and because of underlying male entitlement. As other posters have said, is he like this with work colleagues, on the train, a bus, with his hobby group. Is he like it with other men? I doubt it. It is a choice and it is designed to intimidate you into bending to his will and acknowledging him for the superior being that he is.

Has he always been this way?

You aren’t trying to control his emotions, you are asking him to control his behaviour.
Does he manage to control his behaviour at work?

He’s an adult and he needs to grow up.

As a PP said, as long as it doesn't affect anyone else

It’s not on to shout at the dogs. He shouldn’t have dogs if this is what he does.

He's making his anger, stomping around & shouting YOUR fault.
I don't think that is reasonable

He's setting a bad example to your child/ren in only being able to express his emotions in a negative way that impacts the entire household.
His behaviour is unhealthy, immature, sets a poor example & makes him difficult to live with.

He needs to do some work on himself & learn to communicate & express himself like an adult

It would also give me the serious ick & put me off any intimate contact with him.

I love that the bottom line is “he shouldn’t shout at the dogs.” Because I suppose its fine to stomp around and shout at inanimate objects like wife and children.

Read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” Also get a chart that displays emotions and work with him (if he is capable) to recognize and anticipate his various emotional states. He can learn different responses to sadness/hunger/fear. He hasn’t yet but he can learn.

Teach him the acronym HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired? These are the internal cues that he self soothes with angry outbursts.

Your poor dogs and kid. Your daughter is being taught to appease an angry man. That this is normal, something to aspire to. Look up what cortisol does to a child.

Explaining to him that it might lead to DD accepting anger in relationships is a great point, and might be something that will help him snap out of it. Ove told him before that is doesn't matter if you're not angry 'at us' but the constant negative vibe in the house can't be ignored.

You can’t tell someone what their emotions should look and sound like. Although there may be some underlying issues if he’s expressing himself differently to how he has in the past.

It would be great to have an open conversation where you both listen to each other. It's very important that he takes on board that he's his daughter's role model for relationships and he doesn't want her with an angry man.

That there is a way forward with the right help he can better manage his emotions. It's never too late to change.