Husbands 'emotions'

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Whenever my husband is mildly inconvenienced, or sad, or hungry or any other negative emotion, he comes across as angry. He tells me that I shouldn't take notice of this because he's not angry 'at me'. I don't know how I'm supposed to do that when he's stomping around the house shouting at the dogs etc etc.

We've discussed this many times. He's said that I'm trying to censor his emotions or that I only want him to feel certain emotions. I tell him that I just want him to express emotions in a healthier way - or at least acknowledge the actual emotions he's feeling rather than being angry by default.

We've just had a fight now because I've walked the dogs this morning (my only 'free time' I have in the week - 1hr15ush on sat and sun mornings) and I've come back to him being angry because DD is coughing (he's actually worried) and because she's not wearing socks and stepped outside to greet me.

For a balanced perspective he is under stress atm with a new job start and various other things however, he's always like this about one thing or another.

I just don't know what to do. We've been through so much this past year and I don't know how much more I can take of being the one to constantly manage everything to try and ensure he isn't in someway upset, but I'm not sure if he's right that I'm trying to police his emotions in some way?

Some of these replies are harsh but I need them. It's actually really difficult being in it. Some of PPs saying about how it will affect DD are making me reflect - my mum was the angry one in my household although she expressed it as silence for sometimes weeks on end.

The PP who mentioned him not actually allowing himself to feel happy due to childhood trauma is interesting - his childhood was very physically abusive but he also claims he always felt loved.

Maybe we both need therapy. I feel like since having my DD and now she's a toddler, it just cannot be accepted anymore.

He also does a really irritating thing where if we really have a heart to heart, he asks if I'm leaving him. Before my answer has always been a 'no, let's work through it, I can help you' but now I just feel like I'm almost lying if I say I won't leave. To me that also shows I'm serious about things needing to change.

He chooses to act this way because he wants you to run around and fix things for him. Any time he is uncomfortable in the home he wants to make it your problem, and he uses anger and intimidation to accomplish this. He probably learned this from watching his father storm around until his mother leapt in to cook/clean/discipline the children/remove the dogs/whatever in order to placate him.

Could he change? Possibly. He would need therapy to deal with his childhood issues and a degree of self-awareness that I doubt he possesses. The poster that said it came down to male entitlement absolutely nailed it.

Him asking you if you will leave is very manipulative.
I think you can see first hand the damage an abusive childhood can do to a person.
You both suffered and you have carried that abuse into your marriage and now your child is in an abusive home.

Hard to read I understand, but don't doubt that it is true.
Try and find the strength to tell your husband that he should move out.
That you both need space.
If you both love your child you will do this.
She is being abused and needs protecting from this environment.

Individual counselling would be best as it is not recommended for abusive relationships like yours.
Perhaps if you experienced some peace and cslm you would make the separation permanent as it will be best for your child.
Highly unlikely he will change.

From my perspective as a man, it's because men are conditioned not to show emotions other than anger. We're taught not to be needy, not to cry, not to breakdown. To be strong and largely stoic.

So when something is hurting us, we react in the way we've been taught how to react our whole lives. And that's with anger.

Men who openly cry or breakdown find that they lose respect immediately from friends, wives, children, and from society at large. They also tend to lose their wives too, as she "no longer sees him as a real man (the ick)". I've heard this from so many men and women that I've lost count.

Ask me, and any other man who has opened up and let their emotions out, how we know this.

A dear friend (female) used to be like this. Meant nothing by it, just expressed all negative emotions as anger.

It was really unpleasant to be around. CBT did wonders in helping her to manage her emotions and express them in more effective and appropriate ways. I don't think it's perfect for everything but could be good for this. She's still who she is (a gobby bugger), it hasn't shut her down, but she can show displeasure in a proportionate way, not by upsetting everyone around her.

Replying to your last post

Ah yes the emotional dependency and manipulation tactics. OP, clearly dysfunctional anger was part of your childhood given what you say about your mum so it’s no surprise whatsoever that you’ve put up with it from a partner.

This is exactly what posters are saying will happen to your child.

Your DH is a horror. Get some help so you can fully recognise it and plan a better life. I’m not saying this to be harsh but to be kind in the long run. You deserve way better.

Oh what whiny tendentious piffle. I am married to a man who can handle his own emotions, share them appropriately, and deal with distress without blowing his stack and he is 64 years old so raised the old fashioned way. It is not some new form of boy bashing to expect adult males to have emotional maturity.

Men aren’t punished for having emotions by women. They might be dumped for being whiny assholes but not for shedding a manly tear during a rom com or at a funeral. This is just incel talk.

I’m not from the UK and I don’t recognize this at all, although it does make sense if this is how some boys (and girls) were brought up.
Is it a typical UK thing? I don’t recognize it in the young British men living over here with their wifes and children either. It does sound like an excuse, especially as OP has asked her dh to change or she might leave him
for it. He can change if he wants to.

Gosh, so many men are just like my DH! I’m sorry I have no advice, just my empathy and understanding.

My husband went like this, and to be fair as I mentioned I a previous reply, counselling over his mum passing away helped. Also we got a punch bag in the bag yard, which he would go and use daily, and vent his frustration out so then he would be calmer and ready to talk without the anger. It doesn't work for everyone, but the punch bag helped him to channel that first burst of anger in a healthy way (we don't have it now, we gifted it) but now he goes to the gym a few times a week to pound the weights and get the frustration out and it makes him feel better and nicer to be around. Sorry for the long post, but this mode worked for us, it may not be for everyone.

“Are you leaving me?”
”Depends. Are you trying to drive me away?”

DH is like this. I’ve pointed out that a man storming around is dangerous and triggers my vigilance- which is appalling in my own home. The equivalent for him would be if he were in a confined space with an angry chimp. He’d be watching it, hoping that the chimp wasn’t going to throw something at him, or barge him out of the way etc. he’d be a fool not to be wary of the chimp.

The dogs and DD don’t have the choice of leaving. And why would anyone want to stay?

When a random man you don’t know is angry, it’s unpleasant but unimportant. You can walk away and ignore it.

When it’s someone who’s supposed to keep you safe- your partner, lover, protector, parent- it’s terrifying. The person supposed to be safe is being threatening. Very unsettling. Insecure.

My DH is like this. He didn't have a traumatic childhood though.

He became like this in the run up to a nervous breakdown over our son"s asd and some work issues.

It was a good few years of just stomping about angry at everything, particularly mishaps that might have been upsetting. He actually also used to shout at me that he was allowed to have feelings if I looked upset.

He has mitrazipine, a year off work and some counselling and is much less like this now. Apparently depression in men can look like anger.

I agree it's triggering as I did grow up in a house where I was under social services care. I hadnt realised that was the issue until this thread but some of the PPs hit home.

You can try counselling but I am not convinced it will help as he seems to think he’s justified in his behaviour.

I really couldn’t live like this, and your DD (and the doggies) shouldn’t have to.

Well when women do it then it's called understanding, hormones, pmt, baby brain, pnd, menopause, stress from trying to conceive, overwhelmed with doing it all

It is wrong

We had (another) heart to heart the other night. I think the point re DD accepting anger as normal in a relationship held weight for him. I also showed him a video I'd recorded of him playing with DD where she was holding his hands and spinning around him laughing and his face was sort of angry/straight and it shocked him. I said from her point of view she thinks your facial expressions/anger are because of her.

I told him I'm not supporting him in the same way I've done for many years which i realised is pandering to him. I'll listen to him and give advice if he wants it but he's going to have to help himself by going to a GP/figuring out how to manage his behaviour.

For the past few days i can see he is trying and I just hope it lasts. Thanks all for your thoughts and sorry to hear that others have/are experiencing similar.

That sounds positive, OP. I think it'll be hard to change the habits of a lifetime but it seems like he's trying.

Both men and women can be like this to some extent (angry behaviour instead of 'appropriate") but with men you have the added fear of greater risk of violence or general physicality that can be intimidating.