Husbands 'emotions'

[Wrongemote]

Whenever my husband is mildly inconvenienced, or sad, or hungry or any other negative emotion, he comes across as angry. He tells me that I shouldn't take notice of this because he's not angry 'at me'. I don't know how I'm supposed to do that when he's stomping around the house shouting at the dogs etc etc.

We've discussed this many times. He's said that I'm trying to censor his emotions or that I only want him to feel certain emotions. I tell him that I just want him to express emotions in a healthier way - or at least acknowledge the actual emotions he's feeling rather than being angry by default.

We've just had a fight now because I've walked the dogs this morning (my only 'free time' I have in the week - 1hr15ush on sat and sun mornings) and I've come back to him being angry because DD is coughing (he's actually worried) and because she's not wearing socks and stepped outside to greet me.

For a balanced perspective he is under stress atm with a new job start and various other things however, he's always like this about one thing or another.

I just don't know what to do. We've been through so much this past year and I don't know how much more I can take of being the one to constantly manage everything to try and ensure he isn't in someway upset, but I'm not sure if he's right that I'm trying to police his emotions in some way?

I mean this is a common type of response on MN that is never as helpful or smart as you think it is.

We have been through HUGE challenges this year and obviously that means that there's so much more opportunity for these behaviours and it seems he's in a bit of a rut with it now.

Sometimes I make him laugh but I see him catch himself and not give into the laugh fully, it's as if he has to constantly express that he's not happy/stressed or he feels like the feeling isn't valid. Hard to explain. Kind of like when you feel guilty for moments of happiness during bereavement.

Anyway, I do think I need to talk with him again but focus on how he's affecting DD. Otherwise I just can't do it for much longer.

When my DH was going through a particularly stressful period in his life, he could get angry and take it out on his nearest and dearest, i.e. me (not physically I hasten to add). Eventually I'd had enough and in my quietest (scariest) voice would shut him down with "do NOT speak to me like that" and/or "this is NOT my fault".

Because I would normally take myself away from the scene (which drove him nuts), when I did respond it would shock him out of his angry fog.

Suppressed anger is equally toxic though. There's more and more work on this demonstrating links to disease, particularly in later life. Sounds like he could benefit from therapy, either way

Missed shouting at dogs....

I wonder if the responses on here would have been the same if the sexes had been reversed.

@Wrongemote I would hazard a guess that he believes nothing can be done/he can't change/he doesn't want to go 'there'?

He seems to think it's ok for you, your DD and your dogs to suffer so that he can experience his 'emotions'. It's not ok.

Of course they would.

If possible and reasonable you deal directly and constructively with what is making you angry, you find an outlet to take the pressure off (eg exercise or cleaning) and you find a way of calming yourself (eg a shower or 5 minutes with a book). You don't scatter that angry energy randomly at people around you.

If anything I think thete is less tolernce for angry/irrational/negative women. Certainly not from their children and spouses. Such women are seen as NPD, harpies, horrors rather than seen as just overburdened innocents.

if you don’t want an answer don’t ask. Your desire to ask for advice and then not like what you are given isn’t helpful either.

Your answer was essentially 'you shouldn't have married him if this bothers you and you should never try to change anyone'.
She's perfectly entitled to think that's not actually going to help.

OP absolutely you can change this. Is there some underlying issue that's causing constant low-level irritation?

I also think some men don't realise how physically loud/dominating they can seem (especially to children and dogs) when they're doing what to them seems like actions within the 'normal range' - my DH sometimes raises his voice and it crosses the threshold to sounding quite livid when he's not (usually being a bit sarcastic / "I don't believe it!" rather than aggressive). I've addressed this with him and he hadn't realised how shouty he was.

And your advice is to time travel? And then use a crystal ball?

Ignore the snarky poster who thinks you have to put up with this because you have in the past. There have been several good articles in the Guardian about childhood trauma and restricted emotion. Especially fear of happiness or of relaxation. If you love him try to get him help. He is just so close to being able to be happy. Something blocks him. If he can work on himself the life he saves could be his own.

Yes. He just started shouting at the dogs again (they weren't doing anything short worthy - just playing a little) and then I said 'do you want DD to accept this type of anger in relationships' which honestly wasn't the right time but I'm just so tired of it. He said his anger is rational.

Hea very much misplacing his general anger/frustration onto the dogs.

OP, this is who he is and always has been.
An angry man.
There will always be something to annoy him, it'swho he is.
Unfortunately you have chosen to bring a child into this toxic dynamic.

Poor little thing. He is destroying her childhood.
Clearly you neither want to hear this or accept it, but that poor child will 100% pay the enormous price of his behaviour and your choices.

Talk to Women's aid.
Because he is abusive and he is emotionally abusing you both.
You may refused to accept that, but that poor child will battle a lifetime of anxiety and depression because of this.
She may make poor life choices too because she has been reared in a profoundly unsafe environment.

For goodness sake sort out your contraception so that you do not inflict him on another innocent child.

Angry men are the worst.
The children of angry man often go LC/NC as soon as they can and they sometimes judge their mothers very harshly for allowing them to be so damaged by them.
Just a heads up.

You both deserve so much better than him and this.

Incapable man. Women questions it. Man blames her.

you need to break this cycle (and LTB) before your children think it’s normal.

LTB. He has an anger management issue and trust me, I was your daughter in this scenario and it will^^ escalate. It's only a matter of time.

He's already making your lives miserable. Break free, OP.

This is pretty much how babies behave, isn't it? Anger and displeasure at the audacity of becoming hungry/tired/uncomfortable. He's throwing tantrums like a baby

It’s not so much about accepting anger as accepting people for who they are sometimes. I always know when my DP is hungry because he gets grumpy. It’s just who he is and I don’t take it personally.

Oh and children raised in an angry environment hate it.
They hate coming home.
They hate being around those that get angry, even normal healthy anger.
It triggers childhood ptsd, and they freeze.
They tend to run from anger rather than stand up for themselves because it is so triggering.
They inevitably witnessed placating of the angry person so their emotions around anger are a mess and totally fxxked up.
They see all anger as threatening so are poor at standing up for themselves.

Basically a total shit show of a childhood walking on eggshells and hyper sensitivity to any negativity.
Hence a lifetime of anxiety and depression awaits.

Like a baby/toddler, you mean?! How cute 🤨

No like a human, all different. I try not to label
and judge. I think many problems in relationships stem from just not being able to accept people for who they are then wanting to change them and being disappointed when they don’t conform because they aren’t who we wish they would be.

Men very rarely change their behaviour permanently.
It’s down to you to decide if you can live this way.
I could not. Your home should be a peaceful sanctuary.

I can't recommend this book enough (Taming your Gremlin).

If you think he is up for a more in-depth, science-y approach, then Daniel Goldman's work on Emotional Intelligence is the business

I came across both books in a work context coaching colleagues on personal effectiveness- if you think he would engage more if he thought it would help with the work issues. A lot of male coachees were more ready to read it if it would help with their professional issues, and later fed back how it had helped their personal relationships too.

It is so interesting to read all of the comments here - my husband does this too and I didn't realise how common it is. He is otherwise fairly quiet and lovely but I hate the negative energy that overwhelms the whole house when he is in a mood. I can't stand the thought of my DC having to deal with this as they grow up - too young to understand at the moment but won't be for long.

Posters don't have to accept or be grateful for crap advice.