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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is too sentimental?

86 replies

IAmARobot85 · 19/10/2024 11:02

DH's mum and dad gave him some birthday money last week in an envelope to spend on a treat.

DH put it in a drawer where he often keeps cash from selling things on Facebook marketplace. He has encouraged me to take cash from that drawer to use when I go for a haircut (as they prefer cash to card).

I took the money from the drawer to spend on a haircut. I forgot that it was the money from his parents rather than some other money that he wanted me to spend. It was an accident and I have apologised and offered to get some more cash out.

We have shared finances and DH's parents are still alive and well.

DH was sentimental about these particular notes. He wanted to spend them doing something fun and think of his mum getting the money out of a cash machine for him. He spent about 10 minutes talking about this last night and I kept apologising but ended up crying.

I could understand if it was a special coin from a deceased relative that he never wanted to spend, but this was some notes from relatives that are still alive and well and that he was planning to spend.

I think DH is sentimental to to the point that it is too much. We have a long history of similar incidents. He thinks I am a bit of a robot as I am not so sentimental.

AIBU to this his sentimentality is not normal?

OP posts:
TheBoldHelper · 19/10/2024 16:24

I’m not really aligned with fhe answers. Potentially money is tight if your parents give you money , and I’d not dream of spending my husbands birthday money on a haircut for myself. I’d feel it was thoughtless. As much as I agree it’s just cash and it can be replaced, it was his birthday money, that he wanted to go and spend on himself for his treat.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 19/10/2024 16:26

TheBoldHelper · 19/10/2024 16:24

I’m not really aligned with fhe answers. Potentially money is tight if your parents give you money , and I’d not dream of spending my husbands birthday money on a haircut for myself. I’d feel it was thoughtless. As much as I agree it’s just cash and it can be replaced, it was his birthday money, that he wanted to go and spend on himself for his treat.

But it doesn't sound like that's the issue - it sounds like they have enough money for him to just use that amount from their bank account.

WiserOlderElf · 19/10/2024 16:32

TheBoldHelper · 19/10/2024 16:24

I’m not really aligned with fhe answers. Potentially money is tight if your parents give you money , and I’d not dream of spending my husbands birthday money on a haircut for myself. I’d feel it was thoughtless. As much as I agree it’s just cash and it can be replaced, it was his birthday money, that he wanted to go and spend on himself for his treat.

But that’s not his issue. The OP said she’d give him the money back, but that’s not good enough for him because wants to spend those particular notes.
YANBU OP.

namechanged221 · 19/10/2024 16:44

I kind of see that. I got £25 from a relative and DH spent it on petrol.
I was disappointed because I probably won't bother to get that money out to spend on me now

Candleabra · 19/10/2024 16:52

He sounds insufferable. It’s a completely over the top reaction. And now he’s punishing you by going on about it in a ridiculous way (miming fgs) to the point he’s made you cry. Not very sentimental about your feelings is he.

Davros · 19/10/2024 16:59

Prisonpillow · 19/10/2024 15:01

Eww. I would find that sort of sentimentality deeply unattractive. But I’m dead on the inside.

Me too! 😹
I don't think so. He has a normal relationship with his parents. He just gets very weird about so many objects - old TVs, bath towels, you name it. If it was unusual for his parents to give him something and he wanted to keep the cash forever I would maybe understand, but I just find his reaction odd and suffocating.
I told you - hoarder or hoarder in the making

SophiaCohle · 19/10/2024 17:21

I can understand his original plan for the money, but unless it was brand new sequentially numbered banknotes I can't really understand why it still matters given that a mistake was made and you've apologised. I think most - even very sentimental - people would just move on, maybe deciding to replace the exact amount of cash so as to go shopping with the envelope as planned.

The fact that this is a pattern of sentimentality and perhaps hoarding is more of a worry though, and I think it probably has to have a deep-seated reason. I would want to try and help him unpack that before it happens again in relation to something that actually matters.

TheShellBeach · 19/10/2024 17:25

Wow, this reminds me of my first husband.

He bought me a handbag for Christmas and was devastated when I gave it to a charity shop, two years later.

His reasoning was that I should treasure this bag because he gave it to me.

My reasoning was that I don't like clutter and was never going to use the bag again.

We ended up getting divorced.

He is now a hoarder. Seriously. He never throws anything away.

Polkad · 19/10/2024 17:26

OP, it really is all about him.🙄

You need to push back hard.
Being chewed up over such a normal honest mistake is emotionally abusive and you write not the first time.

He sounds extremely tedious.
Funny how these "sensitive" people often have so little sensitivity to others.

I think YOU need to hold on to your upset and think long and hard about your relationship.

Being made to cry is emotionally abusive and you should not be accepting this.

KnittyNell · 19/10/2024 17:29

I totally understand him, I’m the same.

DappledThings · 19/10/2024 17:31

complete little mimes of his mum at the cash machine, thinking of him whilst she gets the money out.
His initial reaction was bad enough, this miming business would have sent me over the edge. I couldn't take that nonsense seriously at all.

Gcsunnyside23 · 19/10/2024 17:47

TentEntWenTyfOur · 19/10/2024 11:08

My DH is so lacking in sentiment and empathy it is unreal. He has absolutely no concept of why, for instance, I would get upset because he broke a small tumbler, and just doesn't seem able to care that it was the last remaining one of a set that I bought late DM donkeys years ago, and I've been using it ever since she died. It is just another glass to him and cannot understand the fuss.

DD went on a week-long school trip and bought some sweets with her spending money from a gift shop. DH mistakenly ate them, and bought her another packet. Again, he was incapable of comprehending that those replacement sweets were not HER sweets.

Perhaps your DH is like me and my dd, and you are more like my DH.

I get the first example, the glass is a memory link to your parent who passed away. A pack of sweets is not comparable and in my mind on the same train as getting upset about spent money. What's the sentiment linked to the packet of sweets?
(I'm not trying to be mean horrible asking this, I just genuinely would like to know so I know the feeling and thought behind it)

easylikeasundaymorn · 19/10/2024 19:40

complete little mimes of his mum at the cash machine, thinking of him whilst she gets the money out.

oh my god COME ON this can't be real.
You know what...I've been on MN for nearly a decade....but here it is....my first ever LTB

Pallisers · 19/10/2024 19:57

it must have lasted like 10 minutes, complete little mimes of his mum at the cash machine, thinking of him whilst she gets the money out.

How on earth did you not burst out laughing.

Also agree - he is a hoarder in the making.

itsmylife7 · 19/10/2024 20:01

IAmARobot85 · 19/10/2024 15:51

He could have some attachment issues from childhood, perhaps his DM wasn’t emotionally or physically available to him, maybe he didn’t feel a priority due to other siblings, mothers own needs etc. He needs to explore this in therapy. You did nothing wrong but he is placing significance onto inanimate objects that feel like a thread of love from his mother.

I don't think so. He has a normal relationship with his parents. He just gets very weird about so many objects - old TVs, bath towels, you name it. If it was unusual for his parents to give him something and he wanted to keep the cash forever I would maybe understand, but I just find his reaction odd and suffocating.

He's apologised for making me upset, but I don't think he gets that it's really horrible to be chewed out over a mistake that any normal person wouldn't care about. He doesn't think he was going on about it, even though it must have lasted like 10 minutes, complete little mimes of his mum at the cash machine, thinking of him whilst she gets the money out.

If he's like this while his Mum is alive and well... what will he be like on her possible ill health or worse!

Octopies · 19/10/2024 20:19

It's OTT, he could have moved the money out of the drawer to somewhere else if it was that important to him to spend those particular notes. I would ask him to do this in future so there's no confusion. If money were tight and you couldn't replace the amount right away, I could have undertood why he was upset, but that doesn't seem to be the situation here.

whyamonthis · 19/10/2024 20:47

IAmARobot85 · 19/10/2024 15:51

He could have some attachment issues from childhood, perhaps his DM wasn’t emotionally or physically available to him, maybe he didn’t feel a priority due to other siblings, mothers own needs etc. He needs to explore this in therapy. You did nothing wrong but he is placing significance onto inanimate objects that feel like a thread of love from his mother.

I don't think so. He has a normal relationship with his parents. He just gets very weird about so many objects - old TVs, bath towels, you name it. If it was unusual for his parents to give him something and he wanted to keep the cash forever I would maybe understand, but I just find his reaction odd and suffocating.

He's apologised for making me upset, but I don't think he gets that it's really horrible to be chewed out over a mistake that any normal person wouldn't care about. He doesn't think he was going on about it, even though it must have lasted like 10 minutes, complete little mimes of his mum at the cash machine, thinking of him whilst she gets the money out.

Funniest thing I have read on here. Miming his mother at the cash machine 😂

BIossomtoes · 19/10/2024 20:50

I’m as sentimental as the day’s long but this is beyond all reason.

OddestSock · 19/10/2024 20:59

Maybe you could go to the hairdresser and ask for those notes back in exchange for other, non sentimental bank notes to the same value

powershowerforanhour · 19/10/2024 21:04

Get the money out, put it in an envelope and give it to him. If he complains that the notes are "not the same" , explain that of course they won't have the exact same mixture of traces of cocaine, covid particles and cum that the original ones handled by his DM had, but that you tried your best to fix the mistake.

easylikeasundaymorn · 19/10/2024 21:27

please can you expand on what the "miming of his mother taking the money out" consisted of? I'm laughing just trying to envision it.
Did he re-enact typing in the PIN on the keypad, then, when the notes came out, holding it to her heart, sighing softly while staring wistfully into the distance (in the approximate direction of your house), before raising the notes to her lips, kissing them, and whispering "My dear son..."?
Meanwhile some old lad behind her with his whippet is saying "come on love, I don't have all day."
Also, did he make any beepy noises to represent the ATM?

Dotto · 19/10/2024 21:31

It's totally unacceptable that he berated you for so long, including emotional manipulation designed to make you cry. He's cruel. Ridiculous prick.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 19/10/2024 21:34

TheBoldHelper · 19/10/2024 16:24

I’m not really aligned with fhe answers. Potentially money is tight if your parents give you money , and I’d not dream of spending my husbands birthday money on a haircut for myself. I’d feel it was thoughtless. As much as I agree it’s just cash and it can be replaced, it was his birthday money, that he wanted to go and spend on himself for his treat.

Didn't he set her up to fail though by leaving in the petty cash drawer? Surely this is on him for not keeping it separate

Superscientist · 19/10/2024 21:46

I am pretty sentimental, my house is full of things owned by various grand and great grand parents. Some are meaningful some honestly are tat but tat that someone close to me once treasured. For me I do think it's something more personal to have cash to spend but for a genuine mistake and cash that's replaced I wouldn't hold it against the other person. I generally keep cash as presents in the safe so don't accidentally spend it and spending it is more deliberate but needing the exact notes it on the edge of reasonable imo
Replace the cash and buy him his favourite beer or biscuit or whatever as a peace offering. Make things right, apologise and hopefully draw a line under it all.

WiserOlderElf · 19/10/2024 21:47

Replace the cash and buy him his favourite beer or biscuit or whatever as a peace offering

Madness