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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concerns about living together/not marrying...

124 replies

IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:15

Partner and I both planning to live together in the future. No plans for marriage. I was never keen on marriage - and remain so. (I am childfree and don't see children in my future, so for me, I always said marriage would only be 'necessary' if I were to have children).

I'm obviously aware of the legal protections marriage offers etc... he is not keen on marriage having been married/divorced.

I'm becoming increasingly agitated about living together as I feel like I would have no protection. In fact, it is not just a feeling, but a fact.

My concern is also that he has an ex-wife and children. I've never been married and (as above) have no children, so I am totally unencumbered. The imbalance has often been a problem in this relationship - and I've had to work through a lot, in truth. I do not trust (for very valid reasons) that I would be protected in the event something would happen to him - even though the place would be 'ours'. Not because of 'him' per se, but external factors.

He has a tendency to be (overly and sometimes wrongly) optimistic - whereas I am more cautious - and just want to protect myself here. I do not want to be made to feel 'highly strung' now or down the line by him, so I'm hoping to see what my options are now. If it's a 'raw deal' for me, I am happy to not live together.

Would you live with someone you weren't married to? AIBU to feel the way I do? Is there any way I can protect myself without marriage?

Apologies if this comes across as naive. Please be kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:20

Just to add, of course/obviously one person can leave the place to the other in the event of something happening etc... and of course, both names can be on deeds etc... I meant in terms of that anything being challenged etc... whilst I would have zero protection still RE: marriage.

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 19/10/2024 10:25

If you’re not married and buy together, and he dies, I think it’s quite right that his share of the house should go to his children as their inheritance - especially if they are dependent children. He could set up a will to leave it to you if he so wanted but I wouldn’t if I was in his position.

Original poster
IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:27

BeardieWeirdie · 19/10/2024 10:25

If you’re not married and buy together, and he dies, I think it’s quite right that his share of the house should go to his children as their inheritance - especially if they are dependent children. He could set up a will to leave it to you if he so wanted but I wouldn’t if I was in his position.

They are not dependent children. Of course his share of the house should go to his children, but I would still expect to live in the house until my time comes.

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 19/10/2024 10:27

Given that you don't have kids and don't think you will. Then there's little merit to marriage. The protection goes both ways if you marry. So if you buy a house together and then you die or divorce then everything will be split. Including your assets.
I think you're better off having the conversation about the joint assets eg house and setting things up accordingly eg in the event of something happening I
Does it go to you or his kid?

Original poster
IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:29

Whyherewego · 19/10/2024 10:27

Given that you don't have kids and don't think you will. Then there's little merit to marriage. The protection goes both ways if you marry. So if you buy a house together and then you die or divorce then everything will be split. Including your assets.
I think you're better off having the conversation about the joint assets eg house and setting things up accordingly eg in the event of something happening I
Does it go to you or his kid?

Think we double posted at the same time. 😊

Of course his share of the house should go to his children, but I would still expect to live in the house until my time comes.

If I were to die first, my share of the house would go to him - and I am assuming, his share would rightly go to his children.

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 19/10/2024 10:32

Let’s say you’re both in your 40s and he’s run over by a bus tomorrow, you really think it’s acceptable for his 20yo children to wait potentially another 50 years for their inheritance? I would expect in this case to sell the house and buy somewhere else with your own share.

GatherlyGal · 19/10/2024 10:32

You both need to write wills OP and make sure you are both 100% aligned on what happens with the house.

He can leave his share in the house to his kids while also allowing you a right to live in it until you sell it, die or marry.

GatherlyGal · 19/10/2024 10:34

BeardieWeirdie · 19/10/2024 10:32

Let’s say you’re both in your 40s and he’s run over by a bus tomorrow, you really think it’s acceptable for his 20yo children to wait potentially another 50 years for their inheritance? I would expect in this case to sell the house and buy somewhere else with your own share.

That's for them to agree though @BeardieWeirdie it's not necessarily unacceptable if that's what they both want.

CraftyNavySeal · 19/10/2024 10:34

Why do you need to be protected in case something happens to him? Surely you have your own money and share of the house if you own one together. If he dies you are entitled to your share, that’s it.

DP doesn’t want to get married, I’ve made it clear that in the event I die he gets my PS5 and a few bob but that’s it, everything else is going to my friends children. I’m not giving anything to anyone who wouldn’t marry me.

You say you don’t want marriage so what are you expecting exactly.

toomuchfaff · 19/10/2024 10:36

You can buy a house as "tenants in common" meaning you have protection of percentages of the property as unmarried individuals, if you put 80% deposit down and the rest is split then you have 90% of the house etc. Even if you're doing 50/50, as unmarried it's a lot better as your rights are protected, none of this "get out of the house, we've split up" business.

you can also put your assets into a trust, so if he were to die first, you can have a lifetime interest in the property and then it passes to his beneficiaries.

Me and DH have done the same, although married now, we have set that our individual assets (we live in my house), if I die first, he has lifetime access to live in the house, unless he chooses to move out, he can't move someone in, he can't sell it, he can give up his access if he wants to get remarried etc. You can specify whatever restrictions you want.

If he dies first, his brother gets lifetime access to his house.

Chillisintheair · 19/10/2024 10:36

You need wills, ask the solicitor what else is needed. Think about financial and health power of attorney. Make sure he decides and informs all his pension companies about who is his benificaries.

Clarinet1 · 19/10/2024 10:37

I have imagine some of what can be arranged may depend on what was agreed in the divorce. For instance does his ex have the right to stay in the former marital home until the children are grown up? Is he still paying contributing to a mortgage or other costs? Definitely don’t agree to pay more of your joint costs to allow for this and get some kind of watertight contract about what will happen if you split.
Probably best to get legal advice.

sunsettosunrise · 19/10/2024 10:38

I'm on the other side of the fence of this, if my nana dies first I will not receive inheritance until her second husband (her first husband / my grandfather is long dead) dies as he will remain in the house until his death.

From my position, I have no problem with it as he's a good man and been a good companion for my nana. But, possibly your DP children have a different view on your specific situation so not sure if you are being unreasonable. Depends on family / financial dynamics.

caringcarer · 19/10/2024 10:38

IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:27

They are not dependent children. Of course his share of the house should go to his children, but I would still expect to live in the house until my time comes.

Show quote history

He can make a will to that effect, that you can remain living there until your death and his DC can get their inheritance at the point of your death. Also he can take out a life insurance policy and leave this in your favour.

CraftyNavySeal · 19/10/2024 10:39

GatherlyGal · 19/10/2024 10:32

You both need to write wills OP and make sure you are both 100% aligned on what happens with the house.

He can leave his share in the house to his kids while also allowing you a right to live in it until you sell it, die or marry.

So OP can live with a new boyfriend in his kids house for up to 40 years whilst they might not be able to afford a home of their own? He would be daft to agree to that.

Original poster
IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:40

CraftyNavySeal · 19/10/2024 10:34

Why do you need to be protected in case something happens to him? Surely you have your own money and share of the house if you own one together. If he dies you are entitled to your share, that’s it.

DP doesn’t want to get married, I’ve made it clear that in the event I die he gets my PS5 and a few bob but that’s it, everything else is going to my friends children. I’m not giving anything to anyone who wouldn’t marry me.

You say you don’t want marriage so what are you expecting exactly.

I would want to know that I wouldn't be homeless or anything. Worst case scenario, that is!

Yes, I would have my own share of the house, of course - since we would be buying together. I am paying for 50%.

If he willed the house to me (to live in until I passed), could the ex-wife challenge it and say it should go to her children there and then?

I would want to know the place I buy, would be a place I could/would live in until my time comes. I wouldn't want to be forced to move etc...

OP posts:
Paisleydad · 19/10/2024 10:41

IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:27

They are not dependent children. Of course his share of the house should go to his children, but I would still expect to live in the house until my time comes.

Show quote history

My father's will set up a trust. His ex-partner has the right to live in their home until she no longer needs it (dies, moves into residential care, we agree to sell so that she can move). If I die first, the will / trust allows my children to inherit. She is responsible for all bills and repair - which seems fair since she has no rent / mortgage costs.

toomuchfaff · 19/10/2024 10:42

sunsettosunrise · 19/10/2024 10:38

I'm on the other side of the fence of this, if my nana dies first I will not receive inheritance until her second husband (her first husband / my grandfather is long dead) dies as he will remain in the house until his death.

From my position, I have no problem with it as he's a good man and been a good companion for my nana. But, possibly your DP children have a different view on your specific situation so not sure if you are being unreasonable. Depends on family / financial dynamics.

In truth, beneficiaries are not entitled to inheritance. The one setting up the rules should want to ensure the spouse lives a happy life in their home vs making sure the kids get the payout quickly. That was definitely our aim when we set ours up.

Original poster
IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:43

CraftyNavySeal · 19/10/2024 10:39

So OP can live with a new boyfriend in his kids house for up to 40 years whilst they might not be able to afford a home of their own? He would be daft to agree to that.

Show quote history

His children are VERY well taken care of as is - and to put it bluntly, want for nothing. Trusts are already in place which they will have access to in increments over the years (when they turn 30, 35, 40). They are now in their early 20s. Yes, it is more than enough to set them up for a lifetime - or three!

My concern is the ex-wfe potentially having a claim 'for the kids'. (They are not dependent age).

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 19/10/2024 10:44

CraftyNavySeal · 19/10/2024 10:39

So OP can live with a new boyfriend in his kids house for up to 40 years whilst they might not be able to afford a home of their own? He would be daft to agree to that.

Show quote history

we put a clause in ours that no one moves in to the property, the lifetime interest is lost if one remarried.

Original poster
IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:49

Of course his kids shouldn't 'wait' to buy their own homes!

I should have made clear in my OP that they are already set up for a lifetime... or three! I can assure you, they would not suffer/be without anything. They are lovely - and I would never deprive anyone's children of anything they would need.

OP posts:
Baddaybigcloud · 19/10/2024 10:49

Can you not buy without him? In your situation I would buy a house in just your name and have him pay the bills. Then he can buy a separate house and rent it. It won’t work for you guys to buy together.

Original poster
IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:50

Baddaybigcloud · 19/10/2024 10:49

Can you not buy without him? In your situation I would buy a house in just your name and have him pay the bills. Then he can buy a separate house and rent it. It won’t work for you guys to buy together.

That is actually exactly what I suggested in the first place! It seems much more seamless and would come with a lot less stress/worry for me!

OP posts:
CatusFlatus · 19/10/2024 10:51

IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:43

His children are VERY well taken care of as is - and to put it bluntly, want for nothing. Trusts are already in place which they will have access to in increments over the years (when they turn 30, 35, 40). They are now in their early 20s. Yes, it is more than enough to set them up for a lifetime - or three!

My concern is the ex-wfe potentially having a claim 'for the kids'. (They are not dependent age).

Show quote history

The ex will have no claim for 'the children' or herself. But don't take my word for it. Consult a solicitor yourself.

Original poster
IcyViper · 19/10/2024 10:51

CatusFlatus · 19/10/2024 10:51

The ex will have no claim for 'the children' or herself. But don't take my word for it. Consult a solicitor yourself.

Show quote history

Thank you for your comment. 🙏 (Yes, will consult).

OP posts: