Concerns about living together/not marrying...

[IcyViper]

Partner and I both planning to live together in the future. No plans for marriage. I was never keen on marriage - and remain so. (I am childfree and don't see children in my future, so for me, I always said marriage would only be 'necessary' if I were to have children).

I'm obviously aware of the legal protections marriage offers etc... he is not keen on marriage having been married/divorced.

I'm becoming increasingly agitated about living together as I feel like I would have no protection. In fact, it is not just a feeling, but a fact.

My concern is also that he has an ex-wife and children. I've never been married and (as above) have no children, so I am totally unencumbered. The imbalance has often been a problem in this relationship - and I've had to work through a lot, in truth. I do not trust (for very valid reasons) that I would be protected in the event something would happen to him - even though the place would be 'ours'. Not because of 'him' per se, but external factors.

He has a tendency to be (overly and sometimes wrongly) optimistic - whereas I am more cautious - and just want to protect myself here. I do not want to be made to feel 'highly strung' now or down the line by him, so I'm hoping to see what my options are now. If it's a 'raw deal' for me, I am happy to not live together.

Would you live with someone you weren't married to? AIBU to feel the way I do? Is there any way I can protect myself without marriage?

Apologies if this comes across as naive. Please be kind.

It's not fair to expect his DCs to wait for their inheritance. If you want the whole house you need to pay for that.

Would you really want all your assets going to his dc rather than your family?

The question of any house you may buy together will be sorted out conclusively at the time of purchase.
You may buy 'in common' which means you each own half the property and when one of you dies their half will be part of their estate.
Or you may buy 'jointly' which means that when one of you dies the survivor owns the whole property.
Because his children are no longer dependants, they would have no claim of the property if you buy 'jointly'. They could of course inherit his other possessions and money.
The two of you need to discuss this and only buy together if you can find a solution that suits both of you.

@unmemorableusername That’s not how it works though, when in a common law relationship and property is owned jointly, the property automatically goes to the surviving partner, the children can oppose this, however the partner legally doesn’t have to sell up and leave.

If you don't want to leave the house when he dies, then you need to agree that on his death that the house goes to you.

And that the rest of his assets go to his children.

If he won't agree that, then don't buy together

Because at your age, you should keep your finances separate. It is too messy otherwise because he has children and you don't.

Unfortunately you don't become entitled to inherit someone's assets by just wanting it, he would have to decide that your financial welfare is more important to him than that of his own children. It isn't for you to decide if they already have enough or not, they are not your children. Some men do decide they want to give money away to a girlfriend instead of their kids, and that's fine, but if that isn't what HE feels then really you should respect him for it.

If you want to be sure of your own home, then you'll need to buy it yourself and then separately decide if you want him to pay you rent to stay there or not.

You know what you want so sit him down and tell him that and see what he says
If he won't put in place the necessary legal things ,you need to either accept that and do what you can to protect yourself. eg buy a property and lease it out ,or leave him

It’s not about wanting it, legally it goes to the surviving partner who owns the property jointly(common law partner, which isn’t a girlfriend or boyfriend)So no that’s not correct.

In English law that isn't the case for tenants in common, only for joint tenants. Solicitora are very clear when setting up contracts so if the boyfriend wants her to inherit or not, he would make the choice that works for him.

But why should you be protected for the value of the whole house when you're only paying in 50%?
You came with 50%, you're leaving with 50% plus appreciation.
His kids are his heirs, so whether they've already got 50K from him or 5 mil from him, another 200-300-500K or whatever the value of his share ie their inheritance is, won't hurt!

I'm saying this as someone who has children, who brought a significant amount of £ into the marriage, I have worked hard to put in place measures to ensure that in the event of my death the beneficiary is my child and my child alone. No future children of DH, future wives, DH himself should have a claim on that. Partners can come and go (we always think it won't be us, but everyone knows someone divorced...) , your children are your children for life.

If it's a 'raw deal' for me, I am happy to not live together.

If you are happy with not living together then carry on as you are.
What’s the point of living together when you’re not really keen.

Even if they are well taken care of, it just takes one of them who want their share for whatever reason and you have a problem on your hands.
Protect yourself and buy on your own. You have no kids, no reason whatsoever to combine finances and buy together. If you die first, your share goes to him and to his kids eventually. So if you are ok with that then you should be ok with the other way too.
IMO, be wise and keep everything separate. He gains all round, while you are the one that ends up losing.

He could also just very easily change the will and not even tell you. And you seem to think because they have enough money they may not want more.

@GRex My point is they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, they’re common law partners who own a property jointly.A quick google search confirmed, legally in UK the property automatically goes to the surviving common law partner.However it can be opposed by the grown up children.

There's no such thing as a common law partner. You can be a cohabitant, which carries potentially some claims. As to the fate of the share of the property, it depends on how it was bought and depends where in the UK. Between owners 'in common' and 'joint owners' there is a big difference, and in Scotland I believe all house purchases are owners in common, with joint ownership being for stuff like clubs and associations without formal incorporation. The difference between owning a house in common or jointly in England has been explained a few times by PP.

Of course that’s how it should work! My mother in law died years ago and her partner will stay in the house until he dies or it’s sold, probably another 20 years or so. That’s just the way it is. Horrible to think you’d have to leave your home so the other parties children could have a share 🤷

As long as the will is properly & legally worded your husband can leave his half of the property to his children , but in the event he dies first you can get a life interest to remain in the property..On your death the children inherit their dad’s half and your half goes to whoever you have left it to. Providing the wording is correct ex / children would have no claim. Quite a common arrangement which solicitors draft into wills.

If you decided to sell after his death you would again need to clear whether you could use his half to buy a new property and then it goes to his children or whether if you chose to sell that breaks the trust deed and his half is released to the children.

this is an important consideration - think you live into your late 70’s can’t manage stairs - need a bungalow / walk in shower. Would your half enable you to do this ?

Yes a common law partner means nothing in law. @Freeyourminds are you thinking of a civil partnership? This is a legally recognised relationship with financial consequences but you have to go through a proper ceremony first (a bit like a non-religious wedding).

There is such a thing as a common law partner, which is a term for a couple who live together (not boyfriend and girlfriend) however are not married or in a civil partnership.

But there is legal connection between these people. It’s only a description of the situation.

In Scotland there are 2 ways to take the title to a property ,and 1 of the ways means the property would go to the survivor

I'm in a similar situation, no marriage on the cards - neither of us wants it. I bought my own house, he bought his. Both are rented out and we live in a third modest but great property on a lease. I have no children and won't, he has one daughter aged 30 with her own children, but he and his daughter's mother never married either.

Our wills just leave a token amount to the other. Neither of us needs any more than that. The rest of my estate will go to my younger relatives, his to his daughter.

It's much cleaner to have separate finances, so we do, and safer (future security) for both our sakes to each own their own property. Yes we are lucky to be able to do it this way. Neither of us wants marriage, happy as we are, and are older now too.

Rather than "a quick google", disputes will go to a judge who will use the law as written in most cases, backed up by case law for the approach to less cut and dried situations. I'm not sure it's massively helpful for OP if people dole out advice based on google.

There is no real difference between a boyfriend/ girlfriend and a partner apart from semantics. A civil partner or husband/ wife is different, because there is a legal ceremony with agreement to asset sharing. (Even then, assets accumulated prior to the pattnership can benefit from a level of ring-fencing )

OP, is this relationship really for you?
It doesn't sound as if you trust him?
Either way you need to absolutely protect yourself completely.
If you are not pushed about marriage, would you buy on your own and let him pay you rent?
It would help you out but the asset remains firmly yours?

I think there is a way to purchase a home together that gives rights to the surviving partner and sends the inheritance the expected way at the end ? Perhaps legal advice is needed