Concerns about living together/not marrying...

[IcyViper]

Partner and I both planning to live together in the future. No plans for marriage. I was never keen on marriage - and remain so. (I am childfree and don't see children in my future, so for me, I always said marriage would only be 'necessary' if I were to have children).

I'm obviously aware of the legal protections marriage offers etc... he is not keen on marriage having been married/divorced.

I'm becoming increasingly agitated about living together as I feel like I would have no protection. In fact, it is not just a feeling, but a fact.

My concern is also that he has an ex-wife and children. I've never been married and (as above) have no children, so I am totally unencumbered. The imbalance has often been a problem in this relationship - and I've had to work through a lot, in truth. I do not trust (for very valid reasons) that I would be protected in the event something would happen to him - even though the place would be 'ours'. Not because of 'him' per se, but external factors.

He has a tendency to be (overly and sometimes wrongly) optimistic - whereas I am more cautious - and just want to protect myself here. I do not want to be made to feel 'highly strung' now or down the line by him, so I'm hoping to see what my options are now. If it's a 'raw deal' for me, I am happy to not live together.

Would you live with someone you weren't married to? AIBU to feel the way I do? Is there any way I can protect myself without marriage?

Apologies if this comes across as naive. Please be kind.

No idea of the legalities of it, and I know I am not entitled to inheritance. However, my dad died when I was a child, hence why I am receiving his share of inheritance.

You're very wise to think of this before the event. I know of someone who loved with their partner for 30 year and nurses him until his death. Everything went to his ex wife as nothing had been put in place since they were married.

I would want more than his will to protect me as that could be changed without you knowing. I think you can have a deed of trust drawn up outlining both of your wishes.

@IcyViper then you get your Wills written to give you the right to live there until you die when the other passes. Also buy property as tenants in common.

I think this is very much a conversation you need to have and be totally agreed upon before you buy.

It sounds as though what you want is a guarantee that you won’t have to leave your house even if he dies before you. This is achievable legally, it’s called a life interest trust and basically means that his share would be owned by his kids if he died but you’d be able to live in the house for life until you die, then it would be sold and the kids would receive the value of their part. So long as your partner has capacity I can’t see an obvious basis for a legal challenge.

Whether or not it’s something he wants though is something you need to discuss now. Many people don’t feel that the new partner should sit on an inheritance, even where all the parties are wealthy. How do you think his kids would react? Would he be telling them now or would he simply not mention it, and it would be a surprise/ shock when he died? Would you really want to live there if he died, indefinitely? What if you remarried, moved a new partner in, or the kids’ circumstances changed?

But yes overall, unless you can agree all of this don’t buy a house with him.

OP, you really do need to see a solicitor and as with any partnership, where people are investing money together, get a contract drawn up.
Do not rely on a will. If you fall out he could change his will.
Some people like to knock marriage, but in my view it is just a contract that gives the other one protections.

Why do you need protection? Rent your house if you have one and use the rent to pay rent in his house. Problem solved.

Why wouldn't I need protection? It'd my property too that I would jointly own. Plus, we are not married.

I would need to know that I could live in it until I die and that I wouldn't be forced to move out (worst case scenario, I know).

If the children are adults, the ex-wife has no claim 'for them'. Even if they were children, she specifically wouldn't have a claim - she would be raising a claim on their behalf/in their name. That would be only natural - you cannot expect say a 7 year old to take care that the inheritance comes to them nor the same child to lose out just because of being a child at the time of the parent's passing.

This is a case of wills. Your partner could grant you a liferent in the property while leaving it to his children. But it's something where the choice is up to him. Depending on where you live, you might acquire the right to make a claim as a cohabitant - but this is only a claim you can bring, rather than the automatic entitlement of a spouse, and in Scotland at least, IIRC there've been only two such cases since it was brought into being.

What would you have done if you were single? Or bought a house with a friend? Or if the relationship ends?

You own half a house, you aren’t entitled to someone else's half just because you are in a romantic relationship with them. There is a legal thing called marriage which grants you that entitlement but you don’t want it.

Your legal protection is that you own half a house and no one can take it from you. If the owner of the other half dies then you buy out their beneficiary or take the equity and buy a flat.

You can sort all this out with wills.

But it doesn’t really sound like you trust him to put this protection in place? He can write a will with you protected one day and the next write you back out of it if he wants to.

Why are you buying with him? You said you initially wanted to buy on your own.

So if you were in op’s position, you went first, you would expect her to sell her home and start all over again, knowing that it would be a massive upheaval when grieving, quite possibly wouldn’t be able to live in the same area (as house prices much higher now) If you were married, it wouldn’t be that easy to do, basically make your partner leave as you both equally own the property.
That’s definitely not something l would do, to my partner.In regard’s to children, there are other ways to make provisions for them and yes definitely have a will.

If You were married, you wouldn’t expect this, your husband/wife to have to leave the property, when you died.So op’s right, she would be treated completely differently, even though she owns half the property.The children are grown up their not dependents, the family dynamic’s have changed, due to their parents being divorced.
It’s up to op’s partner to make it clear in his will, so there’s complete transparency.

Unsure why you are so salty/aggressive. If I were single, I wouldn't need to worry about any of this - obviously. If the relationship were to end, I'd buy him out (of his share).

I'm not being/feeling 'entitled' to his half - it's not uncommon to want to know where I would stand though - and remaining in the house (assuming he went first) isn't uncommon either. This is what we already talked about, but 'talking' about it obviously isn't legal - and obviously it is still early stages. In fact, he was wanting to leave the entire house to me - as his children (even at this young age) can buy homes - in cash - given how well set up they are.

As I said before, his share would rightly go to his children, but upon my passing.

Spot on. @BeardieWeirdie His children want for nothing as is, which is great. Also, as they get older, more and more money will be accessible to them - but as it stands now, even though they are in their 20s - they can (again, as it stands now) own their own homes - outright.

It would be weird for anyone's children to 'wait' for their inheritance, in my opinion.

Exactly. Never understood this whole 'spouse/partner has died - time for the other person to pack up and move!' Especially if you both own the home together.

There's also the issue of Next of Kin

See a solicitor now, before you change your arrangements, and have the adult discussion with your partner about the basis and expectations in your arrangement. Most people duck this, with disastrous results

You're so right. Another poster/PP gave sound advice, but yes - ultimately legal advice is the most informed advice as well as a frank discussion. I've seen it go wrong countless times before.

Why don't you just get married?
Why are you against it?

You could just do it quietly without any fuss involved.
As another poster said it can be viewed as just a legal contract.

Yes agree.I just did a search and it said the property will automatically go to the surviving partner, if it’s jointly owned, regardless as to whether there’s a will or not.

It depends whether you are Joint Tenants or Tenants In Common on the house.

Joint Tenants - when one dies, the other one gets the property
Tenants In Common - you own your bit, he owns his bit, your bit goes to whoever is in your will, his goes to his children (or whoever’s in his will)

Unless he’s made provision saying you can live there when he dies, with tenants in common, his adult heirs could force a sale at some point.

Ah apologies, I see he is not keen to get married after being divorced

It is only necessary to marry if you have children nowadays imo.

You are not being financially disadvantaged by having or staying home with dc.

You wouldn’t benefit from inheritance tax meagre allowances you get though, next of kin rights and the rest.

Just right a Will for your share.

The thing is that wills can easily be changed. You wouldn't know if he were to do this. I think you'd be very vulnerable in this situation. A life interest is a bit fiddly and raises issues if you want to downsize to something lower maintenance or without stairs etc. I wouldn't like the prospect of being kicked out of my home as an old lady and having to buy or rent something in a rush on your own.

“If I were single, I wouldn't need to worry about any of this - obviously. If the relationship were to end, I'd buy him out (of his share).”

So if he dies, why not buy his children out so you own the house fully AND they get their inheritance. Everyone’s happy.