To want to set boundaries with widowed parent and how not to feel too guilty or resentful

[GreatSnail]

I'll try to keep it brief as possible.

My parents split up when I was in primary school and my Dad moved back to his home town hours away from where I still live. He met my Step-Mum within a few months and they were together ever since till she passed away 4 months ago, so 30 years.

Step-Mum was a mixed character but very possessive of my Dad and my relationship with her was complicated due to that and that effected my relationship with my Dad so at one stage I had only 'phone contact with him for 6 years. In the last few years Step-Mum became chronically unwell and covid was a thing so I saw my Dad twice in 10 years till Step-Mum died.

As soon as she passed away I went to support him emotionally and practically and stayed for 2 weeks. Then I visited again for a few days after another couple of months and have two more visits planned in the next 6 months.

Dad calls every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day which i've been happy to go along with to support him but he stresses about things he doesn't need to and often, there are things he could do to make life less stressful for himself but he refuses.

I've been happy to step up and help him with things and offer support and visit even though there's lots of aspects of doing that that cause me a lot of stress; because i've been thinking it's early days and things will settle down.

But the last few weeks i've been gently hinting that I can't or don't want to talk to him every day and he just hasn't picked up on the hints. So i've said it out loud and it's clear that he's been expecting me to visit every few weeks and talk at least once a day forever, and he's getting really upset and saying he'll have no-one else to talk to and so on. I'm not suggesting I never talk to him, just not every day and that it's still early days and we can talk every day for now but that isn't healthy long-term for either of us.

If he was a demanding ass-hole it would be easier but he's not, he's just expressing his fears and vulnerability then I feel guilty and pressured.

And the other side is part of me thinks it's a bit of a cheek that he wasn't a particularly involved Father for the majority of my life and now that his circumstances have changed, he's wanting me to be the most important person in his life and for him to be the priority in mine but I don't want to think like that, feel resentful or drag up the past when he's vulnerable.

He's not elderly, he's just retirement age. He can look after himself and the house, he drives, has a dog, IMO no money worries but he still stresses about money. He's a lovely man, never abusive or nasty, not ND but very set in his ways. I don't have kids or other caring responsibilities but do work full-time, albeit remotely which makes it harder to be boundaried as he knows I have the time to talk to him every day.

Any advice from anyone who has gone through this or advice in general would be much appreciated as i've given it four months thinking he'd naturally need less support but he's becoming more not less dependent on me.

Lots of great points and I know some are valid to my situation.

I am doing my best and i'm actually quite proud that i'm raising these points with him and setting boundaries as I struggle with anxiety and guilt.

I am sitting with it and trying to be comfortable with it but it ain't easy.

I'd love to text but he won't.

He has a flip 'phone from the early 2000s lol and only has that so he can call in emergencies, like if his landline is down which it was recently.

And I am admittedly, a very anxious person (diagnosed) so if he calls and I don't pick up because i'm not able to, I try to think 'call back in a few hours, he can wait' but then my anxiety takes over and I think what if...what if it's important, he's ill or something? and for me, the what if? and just wanting to get the call out of the way so I can relax for another 24 hrs takes over so I call back pretty soon anyway.

He is very boundaried about what he can't or won't do and i'm trying to replicate his energy lol.

So you also need a clear plan 😆 to help you wean yourself off being at his beck and call!

Timer, five minutes!
Timer, 10 minutes!

I am smiling and hope you are taking this well.

You need to realise that when you return his call in 10 minutes, he is still alive! Build your security and confidence.

Bless you. I do agree with others that he won't be alone for long.

I kept my Dad at arms' length for many years until his death and I think you sound much nicer than me and find it harder. It was certainly easier for me to do that because he had a girlfriend pretty much all the time (different ones but the last one was for about a decade).

He desperately needs therapy. I can't imagine in a thousand years that he would accept it but you could suggest it. Bereavement is hard. Cruse are a good starting point. Seeing his GP would be a really good idea too, he may well be clinically depressed.

I agree with the PP who suggests delaying picking up the call. Do you have an answer machine? Maybe they still exist? That way you could hear that he's alive and sounding OK without talking at that exact moment. I agree with taking back your working hours for you.

This, sorry.

He wouldn’t have got this far with me. The difference being is that at least he’s an adult, not a child who genuinely needed, and should have been able to expect care and support from, their parent.

So many men like this 😡🤮

Just because he’s old, and because it’s easier mentally OP, don’t make too much of the ‘it’s not his fault’ stuff. It was his fault - he chose a new wife and a new life over his child. He’s a shit.

You d love him to text but he ‘won’t’

Oh well then he can just put up with not being in touch? You know, like you as a child had to?

Or maybe he could get used to texting. You know it’s amazing what people can get used to if they are told - suck it up buttercup. Like, small children told to just suck up not having a dad any more.

Sorry OP but you’re simply being used, this guy has SHOWN you that he does what benefits him and has absolutely ZERO loyalty.

We've had this with my DF after my DM passed 3 years ago. Slightly similar scenario in that both of my parents were emotionally distant and not really 'there for me' growing up (or as an adult), so I learnt early on to be emotionally very self-reliant and cope with things on my own. They were also very insular individuals who retired in their late 50s and didn't pick up any hobbies or interests to keep them occupied in their (long!) retirement.

Since my DM passed my DF (late 70s but physically and mentally in very good health) has retreated into a mindset of 'poor little me, everyone must constantly fuss over me and check that I'm ok'. (I know that sounds harsh, but I've had 3 years of it!) There's also a lot of rewriting of family history, that we're this close unit who must 'stick together' when that was absolutely not my experience growing up.

I've set clear boundaries - I phone twice a week and see him once a week. My DB does the same, so he has 6 days out of 7 with a phone call or visit from one of us. This is still not enough apparently, but I stick to it. I won't take calls during working hours (he thinks wfh means I'm free for a call). We've suggested bereavement clubs, hobbies etc none of which he's interested in (he's 'not ready for that' apparently, and he 'has us'). The phone calls and visits are also 90% him monologing and are incredibly draining.

It's hard and I feel guilty, but I keep to my boundaries and accept that he has the autonomy to fill his days and live his life differently if he chose to. He doesn't want to do that and that's his choice, but it's not my job to fill that gap either.

It's still early days for you - and hopefully your DF will start to take responsibility for himself - but absolutely start putting some boundaries and expectations in place now. You've been very supportive so far, but he can't reasonably expect that to be the new normal, so don't feel guilty about starting to recalibrate things and protect your time and emotional energy.

Thanks everyone for your input and perspectives.

I don't think you sound harsh at all. I think you sound extremely kind and helpful to a degree that your father actually doesn't deserve.

Have you ever spoken to him about how he treated you growing up? If so, does he take any responsibility for being such an inadequate and selfish parent?

Two phone calls and one visit per week each from you and your brother is a lot and many older people who have been perfectly decent parents don't get that level of contact with their adult children. Is this something that you are doing short-term while he adjusts to his widower status or do you envisage this amount of contact continuing for the rest of his life?

https://www.u3a.org.uk/ - really worth a look for him.

I WhatsApp my family all the time - he needs nudging in this direction! It is a real lifeline for me and I feel a part of what is going on. If he does not reply, then don't give up, just keep messaging.

Oh bless you @thepariscrimefiles that's very kind of you.

The 2 phone calls, I put him on speaker phone and say 'yes' occasionally (the monologing means that's all is required of me) whilst I get on with other things, such as scrolling mumsnet or cooking dinner. I limit them to 10/15 minutes at most.

The 'visit' is actually he picks up my DC from school once a week and brings them to my house, so not as onerous for me as it maybe sounds and we're done in 90 minutes.

It feels manageable to me, but very interesting to have your perspective (thank you!) as I still have guilty feelings that it's not enough.

I found that knowing what I was feeling and acknowledging it was half the battle. You are incredibly self aware already .

I would start by calling him every day but you call him then it's at your convenience and you can eg call when you're walking somewhere