To want to set boundaries with widowed parent and how not to feel too guilty or resentful

[GreatSnail]

I'll try to keep it brief as possible.

My parents split up when I was in primary school and my Dad moved back to his home town hours away from where I still live. He met my Step-Mum within a few months and they were together ever since till she passed away 4 months ago, so 30 years.

Step-Mum was a mixed character but very possessive of my Dad and my relationship with her was complicated due to that and that effected my relationship with my Dad so at one stage I had only 'phone contact with him for 6 years. In the last few years Step-Mum became chronically unwell and covid was a thing so I saw my Dad twice in 10 years till Step-Mum died.

As soon as she passed away I went to support him emotionally and practically and stayed for 2 weeks. Then I visited again for a few days after another couple of months and have two more visits planned in the next 6 months.

Dad calls every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day which i've been happy to go along with to support him but he stresses about things he doesn't need to and often, there are things he could do to make life less stressful for himself but he refuses.

I've been happy to step up and help him with things and offer support and visit even though there's lots of aspects of doing that that cause me a lot of stress; because i've been thinking it's early days and things will settle down.

But the last few weeks i've been gently hinting that I can't or don't want to talk to him every day and he just hasn't picked up on the hints. So i've said it out loud and it's clear that he's been expecting me to visit every few weeks and talk at least once a day forever, and he's getting really upset and saying he'll have no-one else to talk to and so on. I'm not suggesting I never talk to him, just not every day and that it's still early days and we can talk every day for now but that isn't healthy long-term for either of us.

If he was a demanding ass-hole it would be easier but he's not, he's just expressing his fears and vulnerability then I feel guilty and pressured.

And the other side is part of me thinks it's a bit of a cheek that he wasn't a particularly involved Father for the majority of my life and now that his circumstances have changed, he's wanting me to be the most important person in his life and for him to be the priority in mine but I don't want to think like that, feel resentful or drag up the past when he's vulnerable.

He's not elderly, he's just retirement age. He can look after himself and the house, he drives, has a dog, IMO no money worries but he still stresses about money. He's a lovely man, never abusive or nasty, not ND but very set in his ways. I don't have kids or other caring responsibilities but do work full-time, albeit remotely which makes it harder to be boundaried as he knows I have the time to talk to him every day.

Any advice from anyone who has gone through this or advice in general would be much appreciated as i've given it four months thinking he'd naturally need less support but he's becoming more not less dependent on me.

@GreatSnail i wonder what his social life was like before your step mums passing??? If he was reliant on her for all his social needs it could be he's looking at you to fill the gap in a way?? maybe suggest some social groups or bereavement groups?? My dad goes to one every couple of weeks and it's really helping him socially.

Bereavement group would be great for him, he'll meet others like him. You have my sympathy op my 80 year old nan recently lost my grandad and she's been like this with everyone despite having social groups & church nearly every day.
We've been trying to get her to join a local widow group too.

That's definitely part of it.

He's a smoker and before the smoking ban he went to the pub at least one night a week to meet up with friends (he's not a big drinker, he'd have a couple of pints, chat, do a quiz etc) but once the smoking ban came in he stopped so then all of his social life was my Step-Mums family and friends and as usually happens sadly, they checked in on him a few times in the first month but have since fallen away.

There is a social club in his village he's already said he'd try out next spring/summer because like I said, he's a smoker and smoking outside is fine in the spring/summer but not in the piss down rain or cold.

So the time of year isn't ideal, also because he loves his garden and will mow the lawn every few days and potter about doing garden stuff daily in the spring or summer but that's not able to happen for the next few months.

Edit: When i suggested a bereavement group or support he said 'I don't need that, I have you to talk to', which I didn't challenge at the time as that was within a few days of her death but clearly, I should have said it then as we haven't been on the same page the last few months. I'd like ti if he'd consider it now i'm making it clear it's not healthy for me to be his sole social and emotional support.

He checked out of your life when it suited him (I’ve experienced the same). Take some time to think about what level of contact you want, and then set some boundaries. And don’t feel guilty. He made his choices.

@GreatSnail definitely a difficult one then. Maybe bereavement support groups??? Or a jigsaw? 😁

I’d second recommending bereavement clubs, social clubs for older people, coffee meets for older people, etc. He needs to make new friends.

But I’d also consider telling him that your employer has asked you to start going into the office a few days a week from December or whatever. It might be easier for him to start to accept if he doesn’t think you’re choosing not to talk to him every day, and it’s a fairly harmless lie.

I think maybe try not to worry about this level of contact going on forever. Hopefully your dad will get stronger as time goes on and naturally need to lean on you less. When my friends husband passed another friend and I called her daily for months but eventually she didn’t need that anymore and things naturally changed. With the visits I think just be ‘busy’ and begin to spread them out more and more. Obviously you can put any boundaries you like in place and as you point out he has not been an involved father but I think if you do want to retreat a bit in a kind way it’s best to just engineer it subtly as he’s bound to feel panicky if you suggest it outright (he won’t be able to imagine a time in the future where he won’t rely on you so heavily but it will happen)

Sorry to hear you're going through it too, it's tough!

You can gently name this with him OP - in the kindest, most tactful words you can find, communicate that he wasn't really around when your stepmum was alive so it's not fair to expect you to step into her shoes now and have constant contact with him. Pp have made good suggestions about how to get him more socially active- put them across to him but then it's his responsibility to follow up. I read some famous therapist saying if its a choice between resentment or guilt you should always choose guilt (although you really have nothing to feel guilty about)

I'm interested that your narrative of your Dad suggests that he had no agency in your relationship over all that time. He was so fragile and powerless that this step mother made this terrible rift happen, although he would have of course loved a relationship with you and would have grieved his loss of you frequently. From the outside, this man chose selfishly to prioritise someone over his child to suit himself, and then is fully willing to oh so gently guilt trip you into stepping into the gap left by the last woman. I can understand how sad you must have felt by your father's absence, but I do wonder if you never got round to grieving for the man your father actually is - a selfish bell end who has the absolute effrontery to wring you dry for the tail end of his life without a second thought. He wasn't caring for you before, he doesn't care about the impact on you now. I'm so sorry. That is hard. But not acknowledging that and coming to terms with it may end up being harder in the long run.

Regarding the phone calls. We had something similar in our family to deal with.

Tell him you will call him at a set time every day but will not accept calls during working hours.

For example if you are driving home from work, use that trip to phone him hands free. Or maybe there’s another time in your day, not in your car, which would suit you better? This gives you back some control.

This worked well for my family member and satisfied the clingy lonely relative.

He never really 'check out', he just went for the easy option and prioritised my Step-Mum which does hurt a lot but since she dies he's been explaining a lot about how controlling she was and so on so I sympathise with him but also, it is very hard not to feel a bit resentful.

That's why i'm trying to establish the boundaries now, just don't want to feel too guilty nor bring up the past to throw at him when he is in the very early stages of grief and living by himself for the first time in his entire life.

Thanks for your post.

Ok so I don’t know you and don’t have to sugar coat this.
You say he was a lovely man but he really wasn’t was he?
He left you as a child and never gave you a backwards glance. For all he knew you could have been starving to death or being beaten by your other parent/family.
I sincerely believe that you reap what you sow.
He made his bed and I would leave him to lie in it,
He wasn’t calling you twice a day when you needed him was he?
Me-I’d stop answering his calls. Start by not answering today. Then cut it down to answering every other day. Then less frequently.
What excuse did he give for not calling you? Use the same excuse.
I’ve come across many, many people in your situation- mainly always women because women are socialised to always put the feelings of others before them. I can tell you straight that the ones doing what you are get no benefit from it in the long run. All it does is screw them up even more. Reopening wounds and never giving answers.
He isn’t the father you want him to be.
Pull back for your own sake. Quite frankly he will drop you like a tonne of bricks when he meets his next squeeze.

It seems like it's still early days so maybe it will naturally improve as time passes. Or maybe he will find a club or hobby that will divert him? Like pp have said maybe a social club, book club. Is there a gardening group in his local area? There's one close to me and whilst I don't go, they meet once a month all year round. What about university of the third age? If you Google it there's groups and events everywhere, they have online talks too. It seems very vibrant.

I think you're being exceptionally kind and patient. Just be clear that your not available daily for calls if that doesn't work for you.
Don't be surprised if he remarries again quite soon. I don't think he will want to be alone for long.

We had this with FIL who was absent for much of his life. He became so demanding (think boiled frog) and really shown the selfish entitled man behind the sweet exterior.

It escalated so much that my DH had to set boundaries very firmly after a row with him when he told him some home truths.

He also was expected to his carer when FIL became ill so watch out.

Thankyou.

I've already been fibbing recently saying a couple of times I couldn't talk that day as had a meeting in the evening online. That's how the conversation has come about, because he's been saying how that made a big difference to his day and he missed talking so I was gently saying, well we won't talk every day forever anyway Dad and his response was why not? and said he thinks he'll need that always and thought that's what would happen. Then he gets upset and says could we do it still for a few days? or is it okay if I call you tomorrow? and I feel terrible and say I wasn't thinking we have to reduce it now because I didn't meant that, but that we will and should at some stage.

Then he just says okay darling, whatever you think is best and is really reasonable about it but with a shaky voice and I come off the 'phone feeling wretched and then cry. Crying now typing it!

No, i don't think that at all.

He was weak and took the easy option that made his life easier. I'm under no illusion of how things were or what happened but even when I didn't see him often and when Step-Mum wasn't talking to me, we always maintained contact and he's always been loving and supportive, just not very present.

I'm very aware if I needed the level of support I'm currently giving him, I wouldn't have got it but it doesn't make it easier to put the boundaries down without feeling guilty and I don't want to get into a mindset of you didn't do this so I'm not going to do that because it's not how I want to be or live my life.

I'm glad we have the opportunity now to rebuild but I don't want to be his go-to for everything he needs for the rest of his life.

I fully share the views of @SardinesOnGingerbread and @Pumpkincozynights having been there myself.

It sounds like he is trying to replace all of the interaction he got from his wife with just you. You need to be clearer with him, not just subtle hints and ignoring when he says about getting everything he needs from you. You can be firm while being kind, or you will be stuck as surrogate wife for the rest of his life.

I would push him to look into U3A in his area. If he likes gardening, do you have allotments in your area? There is a social aspect and it gets him out doing something. Not an indoor activity, so he can smoke there too.

OP you're being manipulated by this man. He sounds passive aggressive and it feels like you've been buying in to this poor old dad story.

No that didn't happen.

Throughout school I spent a week or two twice a year with him due to distance and school holidays and then into adulthood. In my 20s I had a two bedroom flat and had some lovely visits from him and Step-Mum but then she fell out with me for years and then things were never the same.

But we had contact throughout that time.

He never left me as a child or at all.

Completely agree with what you're saying about women putting other peoples needs above their own and know i'm doing that.

When you get his phone call today, during that phone call, say right dad I’ll call you on Monday tea time. If he suggests a call tomorrow or asks why, just say I have a few things on for myself so I will talk Monday.

it gives you back control and starts the process of setting the boundaries

then if he calls you tomorrow/ don’t answer

Monday let him know you’ll call Wednesday
again if he says anything you let him know I have stuff happening and I can chat Wednesday. Maybe suggest he does some socialising, clubs etc

wednesday say you’ll call Saturday
and don’t answer in between

but ask him when you speak about clubs

I've always thought that and with SM being ill over the last few years, was preparing myself for that as he's never struck me as the kind of man who'd do well on his own but we have spoken about it and he says he's not interested in other relationships but that might change.

One thing you could try is keeping a journal. It's inevitable that you will have very mixed and confusing feelings about the situation given that he effectively walked out of your home life a long time ago. Writing down what happens, what he says, how you feel, can help you process it all and perhaps find some resolution.
One thing is certain, the expectations and demands that elderly people make on their DCs only increase as time goes on and they become ever more self-centred and selfish, apparently oblivious to the fact that actually their DC does have a life of their own. You need to prioritise your own MH in all this, and again keeping a journal may help with this. Guilt is so hard to deal with, but writing down what you have done for the relative can help remind you that you have done enough/as much as you can for your own mental health.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.