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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
DemocracyR · 19/10/2024 11:06

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 11:02

Not in the night club! where – apparently – every sane person should expect lines of coke and groping men on the way there and back.

From my very rich party experience in London, I find doing lines of coke in the nightclub toilet in the open is quite unusual by the way.

and even though it is quite normalised in the UK, IT IS a Class A drug.

Oh come on. It’s going to the bathroom. The OP hasn’t said anywhere the other girl was doing lines, front and centre at the sinks. You’re making assumptions. Likelihood is they were in a stall. She could have just waited outside. But any 19 year old who can’t handle a bathroom break without a chaperone needs more independence. Like genuinely. What would you have had brother do? Literally walk his sister to the toilet and wait outside? Absolutely bonkers. It’s a club for adults. Not soft play.

gannett · 19/10/2024 11:07

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 11:00

yeah that implies that it is a life skill that parents ought to have taught her. But it is not

AND she didn’t go alone, she went with her brother who promised that he will look after her, so parents did their job alright – she was going with somebody who is experienced and would look after her. Only he didn’t.

I'm still curious as to what part of "ensuring she has someone to go to the loo with even after refusing the girlfriend's offer" constitutes not looking after her.

Also curious as to what more he could have done once she'd randomly and stupidly run off by herself and left the club by herself, given a) presumably bad signal in the club and b) he was told she'd gone home of her own volition.

5128gap · 19/10/2024 11:08

Your DS is a young and immature 25. Still easily impressed by the in crowd and liable to be irresponsible. Clearly you hadn't realised this or you'd not have expected him to look out for DD. But now you do, so lesson learned. Personally I'd be more concerned about him now DD is safe and sound. He must have changed quite a bit to go from a young man you trusted to one who'd let his own sister down like this. The predatory men around DD and the drug culture are not great and it would be naive to imagine your DS isn't behaving similarly. Not a lot you can do given his age and independence but hope he sees through it and emerges unscathed.

OhDearMuriel · 19/10/2024 11:08

YADNBU
He should have looked after her.

He was negligent, careless and uncaring, particularly in those surroundings, and his GF doesn't sound much better.

It doesn't matter what your DD 'should' be doing at 19 i.e. getting a cab, I don't blame her for being wary one bit.

The positive side is she's OK, and although totally let down by her brother, she would have learned a lot from that experience.

DemocracyR · 19/10/2024 11:08

5128gap · 19/10/2024 11:08

Your DS is a young and immature 25. Still easily impressed by the in crowd and liable to be irresponsible. Clearly you hadn't realised this or you'd not have expected him to look out for DD. But now you do, so lesson learned. Personally I'd be more concerned about him now DD is safe and sound. He must have changed quite a bit to go from a young man you trusted to one who'd let his own sister down like this. The predatory men around DD and the drug culture are not great and it would be naive to imagine your DS isn't behaving similarly. Not a lot you can do given his age and independence but hope he sees through it and emerges unscathed.

😂😂😂

BustingBaoBun · 19/10/2024 11:09

If RL opportunities to develop these attributes are few and far between, it requires a bit more support and effort from parents, especially if their kids grow up somewhere rural.

The son was brought up in the same family! How come the daughter is so helpless and the son is living his life and clubbing in London, having fun!

Mostlyoblivious · 19/10/2024 11:10

My brother would never have left me alone like that, whether he was asked to keep an eye on me or not. He also wouldn’t have taken me on a night out if he knew the people we’d be hanging out with would have been snorting coke (he would not have explained, he’d have just said he couldn’t get me on the list)

RampantIvy · 19/10/2024 11:10

However, her parents should have known what clubs are like and not allowed her to go.

The problem is that I don't think they do @SnugLemonJoker and
The OP said in her first post she had never been clubbing.

I have done a lot of clubbing in my time, and the scariest one was in Chapeltown in Leeds.

WhatAreYouListeningTo · 19/10/2024 11:10

If your daughter had gone back to your son after using the toilet, explained she was upset due to drugs and sleazy men, and he'd not have helped her get home, then you could be annoyed, but that's not what happened.

He couldn't stay next to her all night, so it was on your daughter to find your son if she needed him. She didn't do this, instead she left.

It sounds like she should never have gone somewhere so out of her comfort zone if she can't make sensible decisions. Lesson learnt, but it's not fair to blame your son

FiveTreeHill · 19/10/2024 11:11

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 10:57

Why would you EXPECT it? Being in a night club IS NOT A LIFE SKILL.

Going to the toilet is a life skill. Navigating busy places is a life skill. Knowing what do when separated from your friends is a life skill.

The skills involved in going to the toilet in a nightclub are no different to many other places. She went with someone and chose to leave without them

Ginmonkeyagain · 19/10/2024 11:11

Well that is more the issue. Would you want your very unworldly and naive younger sibling hanging off your arm as a fancy club where there may well be drug taking.

I suspect he was rail roaded in to it.

RampantIvy · 19/10/2024 11:12

The son was brought up in the same family! How come the daughter is so helpless and the son is living his life and clubbing in London, having fun!

He is 6 years older. We don't know what he was like at 19. Being male he probably felt less vulnerable.
Lastly, he might have been far more confident at 19 than his sister.

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 11:12

WhatAreYouListeningTo · 19/10/2024 11:10

If your daughter had gone back to your son after using the toilet, explained she was upset due to drugs and sleazy men, and he'd not have helped her get home, then you could be annoyed, but that's not what happened.

He couldn't stay next to her all night, so it was on your daughter to find your son if she needed him. She didn't do this, instead she left.

It sounds like she should never have gone somewhere so out of her comfort zone if she can't make sensible decisions. Lesson learnt, but it's not fair to blame your son

That’s exactly what happened. She went back but he wasn’t there!

🙄 some people have terrible reading comprehension skills

DemocracyR · 19/10/2024 11:13

There is no hope for the younger female generation. Simultaneously telling them to be strong, independent women, but also you can’t go to the bathroom in a club without your brother chaperoning you. And if you make bad choices, such as leaving a venue in an unknown city, rather than just going to the people you know (where they said they would be) that’s fine, because there’s always a man to blame for your decision making and not being there to guide you and help you.

JellycatParent · 19/10/2024 11:13

@5128gap what utter rubbish. How do you know the son is irresponsible and easily impressed by the crowd? What a wild assumption to make!!!

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 11:14

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 11:12

That’s exactly what happened. She went back but he wasn’t there!

🙄 some people have terrible reading comprehension skills

But she knew the brothers girlfriend was in the smoking area and didn't want to go in there

WhatAreYouListeningTo · 19/10/2024 11:15

Mostlyoblivious · 19/10/2024 11:10

My brother would never have left me alone like that, whether he was asked to keep an eye on me or not. He also wouldn’t have taken me on a night out if he knew the people we’d be hanging out with would have been snorting coke (he would not have explained, he’d have just said he couldn’t get me on the list)

Was he he supposed to take her to the toilet? If she needs that level of support, she shouldn't be anywhere near a club. He was never going to be able to supervise her all night. It's hardly his fault that she went to the toilet and then went outside, instead of going and finding him.

Changingplace · 19/10/2024 11:16

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 10:57

Why would you EXPECT it? Being in a night club IS NOT A LIFE SKILL.

Your expectations are very very low if you don’t think going to the loo on your own at the age of 19 is a basic life skill.

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2024 11:16

DemocracyR · 19/10/2024 11:13

There is no hope for the younger female generation. Simultaneously telling them to be strong, independent women, but also you can’t go to the bathroom in a club without your brother chaperoning you. And if you make bad choices, such as leaving a venue in an unknown city, rather than just going to the people you know (where they said they would be) that’s fine, because there’s always a man to blame for your decision making and not being there to guide you and help you.

Edited

Well quite.

Getitwright · 19/10/2024 11:17

Haven’t read all the posts, but some mistakes made on both sides. Daughter is an adult, doesn’t sound very worldly wise yet though. Son by contrast lives in a whirlwind of contrast, and possibly, given how confident, streetwise he is, and all those around him, might not have realised that this really was such a looking after task.
I think the best thing to do, is to let the two adult siblings sort this out between them. If your son agreed to look after her (a wide ranging statement if ever there was one) he needs to know that he failed this time, and your daughter felt way out of her depth. Likewise, she needs to make it clear just how naive she actually is, and let him know she was way out of her comfort zone on this one.
This might be better than Mum and Dad wading in and taking sides.
Hopefully no great harm done on this occasion, but it might help your daughter if she can toughen up and become a little bit more confident and informed about life outside her little cocoon.
Hope everyone is ok.

CornishCreamTeas · 19/10/2024 11:18

DemocracyR · 19/10/2024 11:13

There is no hope for the younger female generation. Simultaneously telling them to be strong, independent women, but also you can’t go to the bathroom in a club without your brother chaperoning you. And if you make bad choices, such as leaving a venue in an unknown city, rather than just going to the people you know (where they said they would be) that’s fine, because there’s always a man to blame for your decision making and not being there to guide you and help you.

Edited

You must be from the US because here we call it the 'loo' not 'bathroom'.

Your post is wide of the mark.

The daughter wasn't expecting her brother to take her to the loo.
That's not what happened or was expected.

She went on her own, believe it or not.
And saw one of the girls she was with taking cocaine.
She panicked and tried to find her brother in the club and call him.
He didn't answer.
So she went outside and tried to find her way back to the hotel.

Yes, she panicked a bit but hey- she's 19. Just left school, never been to a club before especially where cocaine and sleazy men are commonplace.

I may be wrong but you don't seem to have read the thread very carefully.

AndThereSheGoes · 19/10/2024 11:18

AND she didn’t go alone, she went with her brother who promised that he will look after her, so parents did their job alright – she was going with somebody who is experienced and would look after her. Only he didn’t.

He had organised someone to take her to the loo and keep an eye on her there. It was the DD who decided to leave that person and then leave the club. Are you really expecting a 19 year old have her brother walk her to the loo?

Strawberrys4 · 19/10/2024 11:19

youre arguing for the sake of arguing tbh… I would check on my grown friend if we went out together and got separated.. London is wicked… who’s to say she didn’t get taken by someone- it’s happened… look at cases of drunk girls killed in situations like this…. As a brother you should make sure your sister is ok full stop done… go away

cofefefela · 19/10/2024 11:19

I think there’s wrong on all sides here.

firstly your daughter sounds scarily naive, to the extent she could easily get herself in danger again and again. Sorry but you’re in London, the most well connected area in the UK, yet she had no idea how to get a taxi? She had a phone, doesn’t she have internet access? She should have downloaded apps like Uber in advance in case of an emergency. She could have alternatively rung around for taxis. Every single person in this world is responsible for figuring out how to get home from a club…why haven’t you taught her the importance of a contingency plan?

secondly, why didn’t you get your arse out of the hotel to meet her? You just left her there to fend for herself knowing she isn’t street wise and is panicking. Pretty poor parenting - you can’t blame your son for not protecting her when you sat on your laurels too.

and finally your son - he has obviously been exposed to drugs etc more than you think. He clearly has a different outlook on drug users etc than you do. So it’s no surprise that he didn’t really care about this. It’s a bit weird that you say you’re happy with his response.

Miyagi99 · 19/10/2024 11:21

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 11:12

That’s exactly what happened. She went back but he wasn’t there!

🙄 some people have terrible reading comprehension skills

But he was there he just wasn’t in exactly the same place and why would he be?!

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