Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs

Yeah so did my parents. But that didn’t stop people doing them infront of me when I went to university. I did dabble in some myself in my uni days. Drugs are rife in the club scene.

Sorry OP, but sounds like your son could well be doing them also.

I understand it must have made your daughter uncomfortable and perhaps a bit scared, however (it shouldn’t be, but) it is normalised, and if she wants to start clubbing/nights out/is off to uni soon, she’ll see more of it.

Agree . They are two adults. Telling her son off like he’s a toddler.

This for me.

I think the sticks can actually be worse tbh too in terms of drugs and harassment. (County lines anyone?)

Oh and I can confirm that Uber does reach the sticks when cabs do not.

Getting separated? Not being able to find each other?

I trusted my son not to abandon his sister when they went to London for the weekend.

And he didn't.

That doesn't mean I didn't prepare her in the event they became unavoidably separated for some reason.

But the son didn't abandon his sister. She made the decision not to stick with them and then to leave the venue.

@NinaPersson, the basic rule that every child knows.

If you are somewhere and you become distressed, go speak to the responsible adult.

Her DD knew where her brother was, but stupidly decided to leave the venue on her own.

A club isn't an environment where responsibility can be delegated. Between the noise, alcohol, lack of signal etc even seasoned clubgoers can lose each other.

OP, YABVVU to be so angry with your son. When it's you that has failed as a parent. You should never have let your naive daughter go. Also I bet they invited her out of politeness. She sounds like a liability.

When I first moved to the UK from a conservative country with no clubs my parents warned me to take basic safety precautions and start small. A high-end exclusive place with celebs is clearly not suitable.

Your son did his best, don't blame him, take responsibility for your own mistakes. And tell your daughter to stay home next time if she isn't sure.

He’s not her babysitter. She’s 19 and should be able to look after herself, as well as order an Uber to get herself back to her destination

Reading all this makes me realise my general avoidance of clubs, music festivals where there are hard drugs, sexual assaults, drunkenness, etc, was a wise move. As I mentioned in an earlier post, some people grow up faster than others. Sometimes having to grow up too soon doesn’t have great consequences either.

Then she should have GONE TO HER BROTHER. Where he said he would be. Short of standing beside her all night, what could he really do on a night out? Genuinely what would you suggest? This entire thing could have been avoided, if she hadn’t left the venue. Literally if she hadn’t done that, and had gone to the smoking area or bar, then she would have been back with the people she knows. Or if she’d just waited outside the cubicle for the person who was babysitting her for that 5 minutes.

Used to happen all the time at uni, especially pre mobile phone days, not intentionally abandoning each other but it’s easy to lose people in a busy club or gig.

I mean, you did say earlier

Do you know how to flag down a black cab? Especially at night when there aren't many, or they are full, or they don't see you

Implying there aren't many cabs in London at night is a bit silly.

But it just reinforces the point of why didn't her parents tell her how to get a taxi in case of emergency? All the 19 year old know is that you will be abused or assaulted in one

I think some people do, yes.

What an unpleasant and completely unjustified comment.

I partied like there is no tomorrow but I think it’s ridiculous people assume that being drunk in night clubs, around groping men and around people doing coke is a life skill that everyone should possess by the age of 18.

So did I, and I agree with you @DodoTired

So many cynial and unempathetic posters on here who can't remember what it is like to feel nervous

Personally I'd be furious with the security guard for turning away a young woman in obvious distress late at night. For fuck sake, there's enough violence against women and girls going on these days. As for drugs and groping blokes, I think your daughter has experienced some of the rich tapestry of life, which is very important. She does sound inordinately sheltered which (although rather sweet) isn't a particularly good idea. I'm not saying she should hang out in coke dens but there should be some balance. At 19 I was working my way around Italy, admittedly in a group.

@CornishCreamTeas you seen very triggered by this, it’s a bit weird. It’s up to you if you want to interpret sheltered as a bad thing or not. In this scenario, I’d say it is a bad thing when it leads to you having absolutely no idea how to get yourself out of a slightly dodgy situation.

I haven’t mentioned black cabs once, so no idea what you’re on about there! Why have you made this entire post about you and the things you weren’t aware of in your 20s? I didn’t ask you if you were able to drive the length of the UK at 21. I didn’t ask you if you were able to navigate the London tube network. I don’t know you or care about you, I’m replying to a post about a 19 year old girl who crumbled on a night out and had no idea how to get herself safely back home.

The point I’m making is, you have to prepare your children for the world and instil common sense into them. You’ve not responded to any of the actual points I’ve made, you’ve just somehow used my post to talk about yourself and get offended on your own behalf. Do you usually make conversations all about you?!

No, he wasn’t there when she came back from the loo. And he wasn’t checking his phone for quite a while. (He could’ve actually texted her he went to get drinks and be keeping an eye on the messages from her)

And @JellycatParent this was all pre-mobile phone days.

I'm talking about decades ago. I had to think on my feet as there were no other options, other than finding a phone box.

It’s very difficult not to touch people in a packed club, often you have to touch people’s backs, waists, shoulders so they know you are there and you don’t accidentally knock them or their drink over.

Travelling is a completely different experience from going to a nightclub IMO. At least you'll still be in a group most of the time unless you deliberately go somewhere crowded.

@RampantIvy I think PP are unfairly blaming the daughter it's not wrong for her to feel nervous. However, her parents should have known what clubs are like and not allowed her to go.

This.

Your Dd wasn't abandoned she left.

The problem is you sent her off with the idea she needed to be looked after. She needed her brother to care for her. Therefore when she was separated she panicked.

Then when she went outside panicking you heightened the panic, and the idea that she couldn't be alone without her brother by trying to call him to get him to help her. You should have helped her rationalise the situation.

Seeing someone do coke in a club isn't dangerous. Being alone in a club isn't dangerous. Men touching your waist is not dangerous. These things are annoying, and maybe situations you should remove yourself from but not situations to panic in.

HE WAS NOT WHERE HE SAID HE WOULD BE. He has gone to the bar without telling her.

Sounds like the main problem is that the daughter doesn’t know how to deal with situations. Even when my children were young I would ask them what they would do if they got separated on the tube, for example. Being confident in getting a licenced taxi is a life skill. Also talking about being around drugs is important because that will almost certainly happen again. It’s probably just a lesson to talk about different scenarios before the event in future.

oh I don’t do it either and never have but it’s very very common in bars and clubs. If OP’s daughter doesn’t want to see it she probably needs to avoid clubs altogether.