To think it’s OK to criticise parents for their children’s behaviour?

[MintZebra]

I’ve seen some children behave badly in public, and it’s often a reflection of their parenting. Is it fair to call out parents for their kids’ actions, or is it crossing a line?

Sadly (in my experience), most children who are frequently badly behaved lack boundaries at home or have a chaotic home life. In schools we pretend that's not the case but it is.

I don't really understand what you mean!

Yes - parents are often responsible for their children's behaviour. They r responsible for helping them reach their potential and become as independent and as content and happy adults as they can become, given whatever complex or difficult biology or experiences may have/or will come their way...

But .. when we see a kid misbehaving in the street there could be sooooo many reasons! Maybe this kid has just been through some trauma and mum and dad are working hard to help him/her overcome it. Maybe this is a foster kid or adopted kid that's learning to get used to a new family and overcome their past. Maybe this child has additional needs like autism or genetic conditions or brain tumor. Maybe this kid has simply just had the worst day and is normally good as gold.... etc...

When do you want to call out the parents? In what way? What do you mean? ... No .. it's not ok to see a kid misbehave and just assume the parents are crap and go up to them and tell them so! or have a go.

It's ok to wonder to yourself about the parenting or think about what might be going on for the kid. If you see a parent abuse a kid, then yeah you should take action.

Not really sure what I r getting at OP!!??

...and, if the child is misbehaving simply.because the parents haven't raised them well enough then what good will come of criticising the parents? Most parents try their best, but raising kids is haaaard! Some parents really struggle. They need help not criticism. Criticism doesn't help anyone.

I think that sometimes kids behave badly no matter how you parent. I think that smug parents need to fuck off.

What do you mean?

Calling any strange adult out in public for just about anything is rarely a good idea.

Think it in your head and move on with your day.

Depends on situation.

Relative has new very serious gf who has 9 year old daughter who is rude. Shea demanding (comes round and stamps feet for food without any please/ thank you, goes rooting through cupboard for sweets tin uninvited and then will Eat 3-4 bars of chocolate if you don't stop her, when bought anything just snatches it with saying thank you, if you're sat down on chair and get up she immediately Launches herself on it and you end up sat on floor. She's all very intrusive - first time visiting our house she just went upstairs without invitation and started poking around different rooms and her mum just ignored it (it was her first time here too) and we have issue where if she finds money or something she clearly likes laying around she picks it up and holds it whilst staring at you with hope you tell her to keep it (I don't). She's only been to our house about 5-6 times so isn't familiar with it and we don't live nearby. She's same at home and relatives house. No learning disability's or neurodiversity at all or any other background info that justifies it. Just seemingly spoilt and bad mannered. Throws a tantrum if mum says no to her so mum just lets her get on with it. My judgement is her mum sees her behave like this and says or does nothing. Not even a gentle reminder to say thank you if someone buys something for her. I judge that.

The child having tantrum in street/ misbehaving in public? No, I don't judge parent for that. Kids are kids and parenting is hard. Who knows what that kid / parent are going through.

I think if the parent laughs or makes absolutely NO effort to stop their child behaving badly then it's absolutely fair game to judge them or blame them.

i wouldn’t judge another parent on their children’s behaviour without all of the full facts.

Why would you feel the need to 'call out' parents who's children are misbehaving in public? Most children misbehave now and again, they are still learning to regulate feelings and behaviour. You have no idea what those parents are dealing with in their lives. Just get on with your own life and be glad it's not your child kicking off that particular day! I generally feel sympathy for the parents of kids who are screaming in the supermarket or whatever - most of us have been there at one time or another. Being judgemental rarely helps anything.

What @CoffeeAndATwix said.

Are you seriously thinking of wandering about your neighbourhood criticising strangers @MintZebra ?

No.

Yanbu

It’s not ‘smug’ to parent your children so that - generally - they behave well. Of course all children have their moments but we all know the arseholes who let their kids run riot in cafés, screaming and wailing unnecessarily, pulling up flowers and wrecking things in parks, hurting or pushing other children, not waiting turns etc.

Unfortunately those parents get defensive and don’t handle criticism well. You’re just as likely to get both barrels back which is why people stay silent and so many inconsiderate selfish and weak parents bring up a whole new generation of inconsiderate feral kids and the cycle continues…

I have 3 kids who are well behaved but they all had their moments. I remember all 3 having tantrums when they were younger.

Now they're older I get often get positive comments. Same parents, same kids, different life stages.

How do you know that child doesn't have SN and that's the reason for the behaviour? Kids with SN don't have a label, it's often not obvious. If the child has SN or has been through trauma all you'll be doing is making things worse for their parent/s. Unless you're very close to the family you have NFI what the behaviour is a reflection of. I could judge you for being smugly judgemental on something you have no idea about, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt assume you mean well and suggest gently that you try to do better yourself.

If a child is annoying you or otherwise causing a nuisance, then it makes complete sense to alert the parents and ask them to do something about it, since they're the only ones who really can. I wouldn't see that as criticizing them.

it is absolutely smug 'not my child' parenting.

Children make their own choices to an extent. I have mixed feelings about this. Generally, no, I wouldn't blame a parent (though sometimes the parent hasn't taught things like consideration). I might judge how they handle it (or don't) though.

MN is supposed to be 'for parents, by parents. Except it's not. It's the very last place I'd come to for parenting advice. It's full of judgmental smug 'not my children' bollocks.

I think it's fine to judge silently. I sometimes look at people making very different parenting choices to the ones I would make and I think "ok, I wouldn't have dealt with that in that way". But actually speaking your mind and calling them out publicly is different and unjustified in most cases. Often it's not necessarily that the parents are lazy and useless, but different choices and parenting styles.

If you have a fairly compliant child, for example, you might be able to enforce the small things because you don't have to worry about the big things. But for demand-avoidant or confrontational children or simply those with different needs, a parent who picked up on everything would be constantly correcting and disciplining, which wouldn't be good for the parent-child relationship. "Pick your battles" is probably particularly appropriate here. So parents of such children might seem to be letting things go that other parents would pick up on, in the interests of having a good relationship with their child.

Can you give examples? I think calling out strangers who are handing the situation as best they can is more of a 'you' problem than a 'them' problem. Do you have DC?

Depends - very broadly speaking, yes, but you can’t come to any kind of judgment in most cases without knowing the full facts.

It really depends on the ages and the situations. A 5 year old having a tantrum for an ice cream? No judgement. A 12 year old having a tantrum for the same reason (no ND/LD) - yes absolutely I would judge.

There is a huge difference between parents at the end of their tether with a kid having a bad day vs parents who simply can’t be bothered to put in any boundaries.

My kids are very different people, one in particular constantly challenges and refuses to listen etc. The other rarely does anything out of line. It’s a real challenge as I am learning on the job - and constantly getting it wrong - and I cringe thinking I must come across as a terrible parent on the rare occasion when bad behaviour is public. And it is only a rare occasion because I never willingly allow poor behaviour and always pull my children up on it. At home the boundaries are tested far far more.

I’ve had a continuous stream of children here for play dates for the last 15 years. Children are all different. I’ve had siblings here who behave in completely different ways to each other. Mostly, parents are doing their best and children can act like untamed animals in new exciting settings. They might grow up to be terrors or settle down. I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt to parents. Yes, Callum did grow up to be a sanctimonious and boastful young adult, David turned out to be ND, and angelic Eva became a teen bully. Kids are just small guests to be wrangled with tolerance, humour and boundaries according to your own house rules; most adults hope for their children to be well-behaved guests.

Well, be careful. Some children could be ND (so their parents should watch over them even better one would presume) and some children behaves badly because their parents are nutcases and you might get aggressed by them so be careful. I have always intervened if a child is being hurt/put in danger and I don't see a parent moving towards it. You can tell children to be careful, play nicely using your kindest voice, that's what I do because I can't let these things pass as an adult. Sometimes the feral ones are happy to have an adult to talk to and start chatting to me and I end up organising games for them. So don't be too hard on them, most of them aren't bad kids, they just need attention and be told of boundaries and it's quite heartbreaking to see how lonely some of them seem.

@Ostagazuzulum in a home setting I would definitely make the rules very clear that her behaviour is unacceptable. If she behaves like that with her mum at home it's her mum's problem but in your home it's your problem and if mum doesn't know how to educate her child well then someone else will have to do it. She won't get away with that behaviour in school so she is clearly testing the limits. You just have to spell them out for her (kindly but firmly).