To think it’s OK to criticise parents for their children’s behaviour?

[MintZebra]

I’ve seen some children behave badly in public, and it’s often a reflection of their parenting. Is it fair to call out parents for their kids’ actions, or is it crossing a line?

You mean strangers? It would have to be pretty extreme for it to be acceptable. So if the child was in danger, being abused in some way, or causing a serious nuisance to other people. Otherwise, never comment on anyone's parenting unless you are asked for your advice. Its a highly emotive subject and few people welcome your unsolicited input.

Absolutely this.

Touched a nerve?

Oh dear. Really?

Some kids are badly behaved because they have crap parents. Some are badly behaved for very different reasons. Unless you are intimately familiar with all of the details of a particular child's life, I don't think it's appropriate to draw any conclusions.

When I was a teenager, I did some volunteering with SEN children, and I built up a particular relationship with the family of a severely autistic boy of around 11yo. He looked "normal" but was completely non-verbal, sometimes aggressive and prone to major meltdowns in which he would try to hurt himself and others around him. His mother had ended up having a bit of a mental breakdown so his father would sometimes asked if I would accompany him and his son on a day trip - he needed 2:1 care at all times because his behaviour was quite erratic and unpredictable.

Those trips were my first real insight into disability discrimination. I could see how incredibly challenging life was for the parents of this boy, who had devoted everything to caring for him. And yet they met with so much judgement on a day to day basis because the boy did not behave as others thought he should. I was truly horrified by the amount of staring, tutting and judgemental comments that we encountered, especially if the child was having a meltdown. Clearly, people just assumed that the boy was a badly behaved brat and that his dad was a crap parent... so far from the truth on both counts.

If you don't know, don't judge. You have no idea what may be going on behind the scenes...neurodivergence and/or disability, trauma, bereavement. All of these things can impact on a child's behaviour.

I save my own judgement for people who lack empathy.

This.

People who say they don’t see this behaviour in Europe forget that in most European countries taking mentally disabled / SEN kids out in public where other people are around still has a stigma attached to it.

That’s fine at home but if it’s possible for them to behave for a teacher, then there is no excuse for parents to manage behaviour in public and places where good behaviour matters. This thread, SEND aside, is just excusing inconsiderate social attitudes and lazy parenting.

I’d agree with this.

Completely depends what behaviour you are talking about too. Most children will misbehave to some degree in some situations because all children are still learning and developing behavioural skills. You could see one child misbehaving in one scenario and another behaving perfectly, but on a different day in another scenario, the behaviour could be switched. If you don’t know the children or parents, in most cases I would hold off judgement.

I have twins and the twin dynamic of behaviour is extremely difficult to manage. Especially if they partake in a TES (twin escalation syndrome) in which they intensify and expand their behaviour in reaction to each other. When this happens, the parent essentially doesn’t exist to them and the only solution is to physically separate them, which is seldomly possible.

Is it Mumsnet bingo day?

Who else is responsible if not the parents? 🤔

You can only 'call out' parents if you have the whole picture. Without the whole picture you are just judging.

What is the point of calling them out anyway? What are you hoping to achieve?

There's a huge difference between "calling out" parents and asking them to control/intervene with their children.

I'd have no problem asking a parent to keep their child downstairs in our house or stop their child hitting mine or to keep the volume levels down, but I wouldn't really view that as "calling them out" and wouldn't be confrontational about it.

I'm usually just glad it's not mine kicking off that particular day/time! Yes kids misbehave - I think it is very rare to have a child behaving perfectly all of the time (I certainly don't know any!) - and you don't know what the parent is dealing with. One of mine was just chatting away to me in the supermarket and got tutted at by an old lady and told to MOVE. I did control myself but felt like telling her off about her behaviour.....

Literally the best thing I have seen written, ever!

Have you heard of restraint collapse? You will witness a lot of this from young DC, as they crawl towards their first half term of reception. We expect very young children to sit in a classroom from a very young age in this country. It is normal for the mask to slip as they exit the classroom.

It’s human nature to judge all manner of things, we all do it whether we care to admit it or not.

I wouldn’t be quick to verbalise my judgement of someone’s parenting unless there was a very strong reason however eg risk to child or others safety.

Call them out how? Are you going to tell me I’m a shit mum in Tesco when I buy own brand cereal instead of Kelloggs and my child throws a wild tantrum over it? You really need to put some context in this post.