To think it’s OK to criticise parents for their children’s behaviour?

[MintZebra]

I’ve seen some children behave badly in public, and it’s often a reflection of their parenting. Is it fair to call out parents for their kids’ actions, or is it crossing a line?

Who has put you in charge? Why do you get to police everyone's behaviour? I'm sure there are countless things that you do that irritate other people, but if everyone called out everyone else the world would implode!

My son is nd, you wouldn’t overly see to look at him. He’s quite small but 13 but his behaviours are very immature as is the way he speaks. He is watched v closely but that doesn’t always prevent a wobbler or some dysregulated behaviour we would redirect/leave whatever we were doing.

But what would you ‘calling me out’ achieve in that situation op or really any parent? Do you think kicking someone when they are down is helpful? I get some parents just don’t parent but the rest of us are here doing our best and some in very difficult circumstances it’s bad enough you’re sat judging something you know nothing about but to wade in? Not helpful - also dangerous you don’t know who might react aggressively to your judgment. I tend to live and let live, unless I saw abuse/violence, we don’t know the full story from one snippet of someone’s lives you see at the park/supermarket etc

You’ve no idea what SEN or diagnosis or health a child has. You’ve no idea what parents are going through that day/week/month. So be compassionate and kind. Use tact if you anbsolut need to speak up and the child is at serious risk of danger. No need to be an arse, that reflects very badly on you and your upbringing

I do. There are two brats in my daughter’s school. Older brothers are little brats too. Parents just defend them, roll their eyes and say “boys will be boys” and occasionally gulder at them. They are shit parents brining up kids with no boundaries or discipline and it shows

I can bet your kids (if any ) are right charmers.

Kids are mirrors of their parents.

only if you video and upload results.
Even the best behaved kid can pull asshole mode when you need it least.
Crittercism is ...unlikely to end well.
cant you just do a wee prayer or sprinkle glitter or mind your own?
As it goes im not a fan of rude,vulgar unruly kids(or dogs) ...but am no that keen on people either.
if ...its a bad day n you throw your judgement-expect wrath....(and upload it)
here..

No. My child is difficult. I do my best and the last thing I'd want is someone else commenting and making me feel bad. It would make me want to never take the kids out again.

Is this for an article?

Well, where I am there are kids between the ages of around 10-16 ruling the streets. They have balaclavas on or hoods pulled up tight so you can't see their faces and the police won't come out for anything they do. The local town centre shops have to accept them attacking people and/or smack heads stealing because the police won't come out and if the staff members challenge them, they risk being physically attacked so they just don’t bother any more.
Coming home from Asda just across the road from me I've witnessed two kids (at a minimum 14 years old) jump over the wall into the carpark just before a huge fire broke out. I called the fire brigade, they ran up my street then posed for photos in front of the fire engines while the flames were above house height. I doubt anything will stop these kids any time soon.

It's never OK to criticise the parents by calling them out to their faces, even when you pretty well know or can infer that what's going is down to them. You just never know their circumstances.

Deal with the immediate behaviour: I'm trying to eat my lunch could you take your child away from my table?

It's like dogs: Your dog is upsetting my dog, please would you take it away?

Neither of these will guarantee a civilised response or the action you want and all hell might break loose. The more feckless the parent or owner, the more likely they are to kick off. Still It's the better thing to do.

Eh?

My DS was very badly behaved as a young child but we know now has AuDHD. I tried very hard to get him to behave. But the more I tried the worse his behaviour became. The best thing I could do was ignore his bad behaviour and praise his good behaviour as if not he spiralled.

A parent who is laughing or encouraging bad behaviour yes.

I think what a lot of smug parents don't realise is they implemented some boundaries and routines and their child responded well to it. Due to their child's personality.

Imagine you do all of that and then your child doesn't listen or care. What do you do?

Parenting techniques are basically-

Reward positive behaviour
Discipline negative behaviour
Teach age appropriate consequences/impact of actions

If children don't respond to that what do you do ? Well you can-

Bribe
Shout/threaten
Hit
Ignore

These days most people avoid the hitting. Shouting , threatening and bribing aren't particularly nice or always feasible so parents end up picking their battles.

I say this as a parent who after raising two delightful children who would sit and colour in, who always did as they were told and responded well to parenting techniques. After being a chidcare provider who has worked with at least fifty children of varying needs. After completing a degree in early years education. After working as a parenting support worker with vulnerable children and delivering parenting training to struggling parents. Being trained to deliver Solihull parenting, Incredible years and Triple P. I gave birth to a child who does not respond to traditional parenting methods.

I had to learn a completely new way of parenting and to pick my battles. I regularly look like a shit parent when the reality is I'm an extremely qualified parent. If I wasn't as experienced as I am I would blame my self (like many others do)

"Is this for an article?"

Or a bunfight.

I am so happy with your comment, as this is the situation DP and I are in with our DC (born very prem). Not every kid has the same difficulty-level. DC is very active and strong-willed, significantly more so than I have seen other kids be during baby groups, etc. DC has genuinely been that way since birth and parenting has not been straightforward. If we didn't pick our battles it would just be all-day negativity, which we don't think will help long term.

After having whirlwind DC, I have become a lot more humble about 'assessing' other people's parenting skills.

@autienotnaughty, yes! We are very involved parents, but the usual parenting techniques are not responded to in the same way. It is very difficult to address behaviour if sticks and carrots mean very little to your child.

My child refuses to sit and colour. Pulling off all the sofa cushions and creating a survival course, however...

Well, yes, true. I can’t argue with this.

Fair to call out parents who won't accept their child is behaving unacceptably. I am much more accepting of a child's misbehaviour if the parent or parents are trying to stop it.

I don't think it's ever fair to criticise their parenting out loud, to be honest. Maybe say something if the child/ren are actually getting in your way, but not otherwise.

You also never know what is going on in someone's life. I've had times when I haven't really engaged in playgrounds etc and probably looked like a crap mum because I was at the end of my tether and dealing with grief and just needed a few minutes to stare into space. Luckily DS is incredibly well behaved (I'm pretty sure this is a fluke, not parenting!) so he never did the screaming/shouting/stomping thing, but I imagine if he were I may not have noticed or dealt with it immediately either!

You can't see complete strangers and 'know' it's the parenting. You saying it 'often' is, is just your enjoyment of judging people.

Now you want MN to agree you should have a go at these parents.

I've really cut down how much I take my SEN child in public, she is a challenge every fucking minute. I'd be confident enough to tell you how useful your ignorant criticism is if you tried to 'call me out'.

If it’s so impossible for parents to get children to behave how are we expecting teachers to manage 30+ in a classroom to learn?

My plan is they won't come over that often. We were so taken aback first time she came to our house that DH and I just sat there gobsmacked. Next time she started wandering about we told her to come downstairs. Her older brother did same but was worse as first time he came he went upstairs and into my teenage DDs room without knocking having never met her before to tell her to come downstairs. We'd shouted her once to come down and say hi but she'd not heard us (headphones on) so out of nowhere he felt need to go up despite not knowing which room was hers. It was odd. No health issues there which would explain a lack of boundaries. Relative and his mum said nothing and seemed to think it's ok.
I'm doing as much as possible to avoid them not only due to rudeness and lack of boundaries but the mum used an incredibly racially offensive word in our house (once, that was challenged and she gave no shits at all and just shrugged and laughed) which I'm not putting up with. I've not heard someone openly say that word since 80s and I'd like to keep it that way.
We're obliged to see them once a month at a mutual family house but hopefully that will be it. I'm 100% silently judging her and her parenting though as I've seen more than enough to know it's mostly laziness and bad manners from mum. I wouldn't say anything about her parenting as it's not my business and would cause tension in family. I'll correct behaviour in my house if by some grace of god they find a way over my threshold again (more chance of hell freezing over) but otherwise keeping my nose out.

Children can be their own 'boss' sometimes some assuming it is their parenting means I would assume I am a great parent myself

Yeah I would blame parents for how they deal with their children's behaviour though there is a difference to me

A child being noisy in a resturant is a child being noisy a parenting ignoring and chatting or glued to their phone is on the parent

Completely different.

Anybody who has worked with children knows this, apart from very inexperienced or very stupid people who think it’s their incredible skills.

Children almost always behave worse for their own parents.