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Original poster

I feel an urge to write a letter to my ex husband

69 replies

Undatisfied123 · 18/10/2024 19:57

I know this is a crazy idea but I keep thinking about writing a letter to my ex. He left 8 years ago for a woman at work who is 15 years younger. There were a lot of lies told and I feel he has never been accountable or responsible for his actions. My DC were 5 and 3 when he left. He has them EOW and till 6pm one day in the week
I want him to know how hard he has made my life and the affect the affair had on me. I in no way want him back but I feel he swanned off in to the night with a younger woman and has no idea how hard raising children alone is. I want him in some way to feel accountable. They haven't had children of their own so have a very nice lifestyle. I work full time and juggle two secondary aged children and it is bloody hard!! I hate school mornings as getting out the house for 730 is difficult and the children can be very difficult. He never has this as the kids come back to me at 4 on a Sunday. He chose to live too far away to have them on a school day so am the burden falls to me.

Do you think writing a letter would help. Feel I have a lot of unresolved anger and this would get it off my chest.

Would really appreciate any advice. Many thanks.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlonk · 18/10/2024 19:59

I’d write it but I wouldn’t send it.
You will ultimately be the person who will look back and feel an enormous sense of accomplishment that you succeeded in raising your children.

Harriet42 · 18/10/2024 20:03

Unfortunately OP, the type of man who can swan off and leave you to raise his children is unlikely to get anything from reading your innermost thoughts and feelings - maybe just a reason to gloat, what you find things so challenging without him.
In time, you will see the fruits of you labour and I know that doesn’t help but it will and your ex will
be an old codger who has realised that his role as a father was really particularly shit. I think this will be even more apparent when your DC have families and they see how cruel it is to do this to a family.
In the meantime, deep breaths, hot baths and lots of love to you. Don’t give him the satisfaction, please.

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 20:07

8 years ago? No move on. My ex left 7 years ago and has never once had our children overnight so you're doing better than me. Honestly after 8 years you will look mad and they will laugh at the letter together

ShowerOfShites · 18/10/2024 20:07

No, don't send it in case he comes back with a shitty reply about you being 'unfit' or 'unable to cope', or 'full of bitterness'.

Leave it.

Harriet42 · 18/10/2024 20:08

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 20:07

8 years ago? No move on. My ex left 7 years ago and has never once had our children overnight so you're doing better than me. Honestly after 8 years you will look mad and they will laugh at the letter together

Not helpful. If he laughs at the mother of his children; that says all you need to know.

ihaveliterallynoidea · 18/10/2024 20:08

Write it, then burn it

DoYouReally · 18/10/2024 20:09

You are wasting your time. He doesn't care and won't listen. He'll describe you as a crazy lady, stuck in the past and it will feed his selfish ego.

Write the letter if it helps you, but don't sent it. He may read it. She will do. God knows who else he will show it to and your kids may even see it. Don't do it.

cestlavielife · 18/10/2024 20:10

See a therapist

PashaMinaMio · 18/10/2024 20:11

Write the letter by all means. Write it, rewrite it & write it all over again. Purge all you want to say BUT don’t send it. Let it rest for a few days, then out into the garden with it and burn it. Watch the smoke rise symbolically into the sky. It’s supposed to help if you do that.

Meanwhile why not find a counsellor to help you vent your anger. Let it all out to someone in a private protected secure environment who can give you some help to navigate your understandable feelings & frustrations.

One day you will look back and feel proud of your achievements with the children. Just focus on that and keep life as simple as possible so that stress levels and tiredness are kept to a minimum.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 18/10/2024 20:12

Order a mini man voodoo doll and stick pins in it whenever necessary... Much more therapeutic...

Cantgetausername87 · 18/10/2024 20:13

I think some of these comments are a bit mean. It's not been 8 years (or even 8 weeks) but I do get it. I just think these types of men will never ever be accountable for their actions. I'm already finding this painful and I can imagine feeling that pain in 8 years or more.
There will never be closure from him, and he'd just get off on any letter or conversation you have with him about it.
Best to stay silent and focus on you and your family x

Wibblywobblybobbly · 18/10/2024 20:13

Definitely write it, it will help you get the feelings out. But don't send it, burn it. It will be cathartic. Don't give him the ammunition to hurt you further.

Comtesse · 18/10/2024 20:16

Write it, every last emotion out on the page.

Then burn it.

Then stomp on the ashes. Maybe even pee on them if you’re really furious.

Bottling all this up is bad but you cannot send it to him. He’s an arse, truly hopeless.

Plus make sure the CMS forms are kept up to date.

Sepoctnov · 18/10/2024 20:17

Write the letter. "Post it" into a drawer. The catharsis and forgiveness (of the situation not of him) is for you and your healing.

Don't post it to him IRL. He won't care and it won't achieve anything.

ChampaignSupernova · 18/10/2024 20:18

By all means write it but do not send it. Burn it. He doesn't care what happened to you. He only cares about himself

Claloulat · 18/10/2024 20:19

What a useless arsehole he is!
Seriously though, don't send a letter. Don't give him the satisfaction.

I imagine he'd paint you as bitter, desperate and not over him after 8 years. He might even share the letter and laugh about it.

Focus on your own life and your children. He's missing out by seeing the kids so little. Maybe he'll regret it one day once they're grown. You can feel proud that you did it all on your own.

I get it's not fair but I don't think you'll feel better by sending him a letter and it won't have the desired effect.

Jessie1259 · 18/10/2024 20:21

Write the letter, and then burn it. A letter is not going to make him into a decent man or do anything else that you would like it to do.

StMarieforme · 18/10/2024 20:22

cestlavielife · 18/10/2024 20:10

See a therapist

I BBC was in exactly the same position as OP 30 years ago. I saw a therapist. She told me I should have been more needy and it was all my fault.

Surprisingly, didn't help.

Namechangejustincase24 · 18/10/2024 20:26

StMarieforme · 18/10/2024 20:22

I BBC was in exactly the same position as OP 30 years ago. I saw a therapist. She told me I should have been more needy and it was all my fault.

Surprisingly, didn't help.

Show quote history

As in you should have asked for more from him?

Bellyblueboy · 18/10/2024 20:26

By writing this letter you are giving him power over your inner most thoughts and feelings.

and you lose control. His new wife will read it, he might show it to your children.

he won’t suddenly regret his actions. He might use it to double down - see it was a miserable life, glad I’m out.

he’s a disappointment of a man. Let it go.

SophiaJ8 · 18/10/2024 20:29

The thing is, 8 years later they’re still happy and having a lovely life, so as far as he’s concerned, he’s made the right decision. He’s not going to say anything that will make you feel better. Being angry and miserable will just validate his decision.

Write it and burn it, is a good idea. Maybe also therapy.

Quitelikeit · 18/10/2024 20:29

Op

Your letter will not raise a single ounce of remorse in this utter asshole

I admire you for managing all you have done and surviving what he did to you but looking back in his direction is not going to help you emotionally

It will get easier with the kids and one day you will let go of the anger.

Forgiveness is the best form of self interest

FluffyRabbitGal · 18/10/2024 20:30

Write it, but don’t send it. My father was unpleasant, manipulative bully who I cut off finally just before my 40th birthday. After months of worrying I had made the wrong choice I decided to write him a letter.
It ended up being 8 pages long. I felt so much better for it, but chose not to send it, as he would have only used it as a weapon to beat me with. Plus, I didn’t want him in my life anymore.
But writing about it felt so helpful and in times of weakness, when my grandparents (his parents) try to wear me down, it reminds me of why I went no contact with him.

ObieJoyful · 18/10/2024 20:31

Harriet42 · 18/10/2024 20:08

Not helpful. If he laughs at the mother of his children; that says all you need to know.

Show quote history

He left the mother of his children to shoulder the burden of life as a single parent.

It’s not such a stretch.

Catoo · 18/10/2024 20:32

I’m sorry your ex is a twat OP.

Don’t pour your heart out to him about how hard it’s been. He doesn’t care. He knows it’s hard with DC and he hasn’t had any more or pushed for 50%.

You’ve done so well doing all the hard work for 8y. Your children know who’s been there for them for all those winter mornings, through all the stresses and challenges of every day life. And they will also be closer to you because of it. I know you don’t see it when you’re in the daily grind and routine, but your life with your DC is something to be cherished. He sounds selfish and has missed out on so much. And it will get easier as DC grow up, mature, have more of a social life etc.

In the meantime, could you treat yourself to a weekend away with a friend at some point soon and have DC stay at friends or family?

💐

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