I feel an urge to write a letter to my ex husband

[Undatisfied123]

I know this is a crazy idea but I keep thinking about writing a letter to my ex. He left 8 years ago for a woman at work who is 15 years younger. There were a lot of lies told and I feel he has never been accountable or responsible for his actions. My DC were 5 and 3 when he left. He has them EOW and till 6pm one day in the week
I want him to know how hard he has made my life and the affect the affair had on me. I in no way want him back but I feel he swanned off in to the night with a younger woman and has no idea how hard raising children alone is. I want him in some way to feel accountable. They haven't had children of their own so have a very nice lifestyle. I work full time and juggle two secondary aged children and it is bloody hard!! I hate school mornings as getting out the house for 730 is difficult and the children can be very difficult. He never has this as the kids come back to me at 4 on a Sunday. He chose to live too far away to have them on a school day so am the burden falls to me.

Do you think writing a letter would help. Feel I have a lot of unresolved anger and this would get it off my chest.

Would really appreciate any advice. Many thanks.

Write it and then burn it.

Unfortunately some men are very comfortable ditching their children. When you love those children as much as you love yours, it hurts, especially because you know you could give them more yourself (more time, more energy, more resources) if they received the support they are entitled to receive from their other parent.

I'm not sure what the answer is and I'd also be tempted to get my petty revenge in whatever way I could.

I think write into get it out of your head and on paper.
However, don't send it and burn it so that your children never see it.
If you sent it he reads it, possibly shares it with the other woman and your children and thinks whatever he thinks.
You have achieved so much bringing up your children. Maybe see a counsellor to try and work on the pain/anger you are feeling.
Please don't send a letter, no good will come of it.

Words only have any effect on a bloke if they're in love with you. I wish I'd learnt this years ago & saved myself a lot of heartache. He doesn't love you so he won't care. It doesn't matter to him what you're going through & whether it relates to the kids or not. He doesn't care about you so it doesn't matter what you say. Save yourself the angst.

He won't care.

He might even sneer and snigger at your letter.

People who leave their kids and exes like this are really vile because they don't step up to the plate to ensure that, despite divorce, everyone is ok and nobody is run ragged.

So I would write the letter. Put it away. Or find a good therapist. Seriously it could have such a positive impact on your life.

Perhaps let your adult dcs read it when they're grown up so they know what their father really is and how to never be like him.

Think what you want the outcome to be. Can you send the letter and have no care about what the reaction is? Likely reactions may include:

• Acting like he never received it
• Actually never receiving it because Royal Mail are shit
• Him mocking you because of it
• Him feeling that the fact you are still bitter helps to justify what he did
• Him replying with an equally bitter letter telling you why you were to blame for the relationship breaking down
• Him offering a fake apology
• Him offering a genuine apology

The last response is the only one that I can see being positive for you, and even if he is genuinely remorseful, so what? It won't make your life easier in practical terms.

How will it help you? Only you can decide that. My advice is just to weigh it up carefully.

TBH I think that ship has sailed. I would write the letter, or get your feelings written down in a journal, but do not send it to him. He's already moved on. You can choose to burn or throw the letter away after you've read it to yourself. Or, you could write a letter to yourself setting out all the positive things in your life now and how you're going to improve on them and live your best life going forward.

Write it and burn it.

You won’t get accountability from him. You won’t get any acknowledgement for raising his children and you won’t get an apology. He’ll probably read it, have a giggle over it with his new wife and throw it away.

These responses are interesting.

I'd write it because regardless of his response I know it is likely to eat away at him. He probably thinks of himself as 'decent man' so I would call that into question. I would list what being a 'good father', which again I'm certain is part of his identity, would actually involve in this scenario.

Be very sure to keep it to the ways in which he has engineered things so that you do all the shitwork. Do not mention the age of the OW for eg!

By all means write it
Then set it on fire.
I know,it's hard, draining,n ..you spoze to just suck it up.
That's a tough call.hes a let down.thats all he's ever gony be.dont waste energy on coulda,shoulda,didni.
Focus on the positives....
Easy said I know.
..am considering voodoo, lmfao

I'd write it because regardless of his response I know it is likely to eat away at him

It’s not going to eat away at him. He’ll think, yep, I made the right choice, look how whiny and naggy she is. He’s happy, he won’t care.

I disagree. I think he will pretend not to care to the OP and himself, but he will.

Men have very, very fragile egos.

He left the OP, he doesn’t care. If he wanted to still be there and cared, he would.

I hear what you are saying - hence my advice to focus on his role as a father, not as a husband.

But I don't think this kind of ego stuff is really about who's saying it anyway. It's about his idea of himself, which for emotionally immature men like this is everything, because there's no real centre.

They have fragile egos which they shore up with false ideas about who they are. They know the ideas are false, ofc, but as long as no-one challenges them they can look the other way. When someone points out the disjunct - even an ex-wife whom they've excised from their fresh new life - they are very shaken.

I don't think the OP is expecting an apology - she just wants to have said her piece.

The other option to eow is50:50 ( or less). Would you really have preferred your DC spend that much time away, have two homes and you have to keep contacting him with the ow in your face all the time?

I wouldn't send the letter as makes you look weak and could be used by him to create a wedge with your DC.

As your DC are teenagers it's likely you may be tired as you are in perimenopause. Make sure you eat healthily with more protein and rest weekends they are away. As they are teenagers they can do more chores and tidying to help (also helps their futures (and future partners )

In his mind and narrative she’ll be the crazy ex who can’t let go almost a decade later.

Write it, burn it and therapy for any unresolved feelings. Her ex isn’t going to help OP heal.

@thestudio he won't care because he doesn't care about the OP's opinion because he doesn't care about her. It would only bother him if it came from someone he gave a shit about like his current woman/friend/family member. Whatever she says, in his head she's the bitter crazy jealous ex.

The fact that he abandoned his children and their mother already says all you need to know.

OP do not sent the letter. Write it and burn it if it helps, but do not give that arsehole any power over you.

He may not actually be as happy as you imagine you know . 15 years is a big age gap. It’s not bad when you’re middle aged but the difference between 50 and 65 or 55 and 70 really starts showing imo. The clock always comes back to 12. As others have said write it if you like but don’t lower yourself to sending it. A few more years and your children will be more independent and you’ll have more time for yourself. Hang on n in there OP.