I feel an urge to write a letter to my ex husband

[Undatisfied123]

I know this is a crazy idea but I keep thinking about writing a letter to my ex. He left 8 years ago for a woman at work who is 15 years younger. There were a lot of lies told and I feel he has never been accountable or responsible for his actions. My DC were 5 and 3 when he left. He has them EOW and till 6pm one day in the week
I want him to know how hard he has made my life and the affect the affair had on me. I in no way want him back but I feel he swanned off in to the night with a younger woman and has no idea how hard raising children alone is. I want him in some way to feel accountable. They haven't had children of their own so have a very nice lifestyle. I work full time and juggle two secondary aged children and it is bloody hard!! I hate school mornings as getting out the house for 730 is difficult and the children can be very difficult. He never has this as the kids come back to me at 4 on a Sunday. He chose to live too far away to have them on a school day so am the burden falls to me.

Do you think writing a letter would help. Feel I have a lot of unresolved anger and this would get it off my chest.

Would really appreciate any advice. Many thanks.

Depends what you want to achieve with this letter. If you want him to realise how hard it is to raise children alone and feel some remorse, this is unlikely to happen unless he comes to that realisation himself.

Because, if the children were 5 and 3 when he left, he would have been able to see how hard it is with children at that point and up to that point - it's hardly easy at that stage. If he didn't care then, he won't now.

I agree with all the others. Write it down but never give it to him. Unfortunately he clearly doesn't care if he was able to do what he's done. But in time your children will see the situation for what it is and how much you have done for them.

Do not ever send him the letter. No good will come of it. As he is the one who left for someone else he will never really understand the grief of that happening to you.

Definitely write it down. It will feel good to let it all out.

But don't send it to him. You won't get the reaction or appreciation you are after.

If you are struggling to move on and hold resentment towards him, try counseling.

He sounds like a useless father and I am sorry you had to go through this. Your kids are lucky to have you!

Writing it down might make you feel better but it won't make him feel accountable or responsible. It won't get you an apology or thanks. If you do write a letter don't post it. Probably don't even keep it because the content might hurt your children.

I totally get the sentiment of wanting to tell him how hard it’s been but agree with other posters that it won’t help. I am
in a similar situation however I have a great relationship with my kids and he doesn’t. They figured out what a shallow twat he is long ago so I feel he is the only loser. Be
proud of what you have achieved and be proud of your family. X

Just write it and send it. Life is too short to be the bigger person, tell him what a hopeless man he is and then move on.

Can all the PP's who say "write it then burn it", "see a therapist" etc. etc. please tell me why she shouldn't send it?
Why shouldn't we tell men when they do this stuff. Why should they think it's acceptable?

Seems like we've not been telling them for a few decades that this is not okay, because they are abandoning their wives and children left, right and center.

Shouldn't they know?

You're not unreasonable to WANT to tell your ex what a miserable time he's given you, and writing a letter is a good idea, but please don't send it because you would have no control over how your ex responds to you, or who he shows the letter to. He might let your children see it one day, and they might be really upset.
You're doing an amazing job in difficult and unfair circumstances, whether your ex recognises this or not.

When he's old and lonely, I suspect your children won't be fully there for him and he can reflect on his life choices. You sound a wonderful mum.

The message will be lost on someone like the ops ex husband. It won’t change a thing and he won’t have an epiphany. He’ll just be a smug bastard who thinks his ex has never got over him.

I think because a letter survives and can be quoted out of context and may rebound on OP in some horrible way, particularly if it was shown to her children and perhaps to her parents or other loved ones who are vulnerable and might be distressed by it.
Should men who abandoned their families be told what feels like? Yes, but in some other way.

I agree - write it but don't send it. A man capable of walking out on a 3 and 5 year old and the woman who gave birth to them is capable of casually mentioning to them that mum has been whinging that they are such hard work and she hasn't enjoyed raising them. Which wouldn't be true, but I wouldn't trust such a man to keep that letter to himself or to feel any remorse when he read it.

Write it, file it and never send it. You'll never change him nor what he's done but he will manipulate that letter.
My ex did something horrible to me and his response to the email I sent was ' we were expecting your email today'. I never did it again!
It's really hard I know but a letter won't change him

Write it, burn it and repeat as often as you need to. Never let this man know he still has any power over you.

Voodoo doll can't hurt either, you anyway.

I was going to say write it and burn it, best way to do it.

He doesn't care. If you are trying to make him feel bad, he won't. However, if you need to get it out of your system, write it down, but don't send it. Maybe burn it or something else symbolic? You need to let go of these feelings, they don't bring you any benefit.

I wouldn't write to him - of course he knows that he has treated you like shit and that your life bringing up the children is a lot harder than his! He knows it and he doesn't care and writing him a letter won't change that. He's a selfish man who puts his own desires before anyone else, including his own children.

What you need to find is acceptance. You have your children and you will always have a closer relationship with them because you are the one who's there for them. Don't give your resentment of him headspace. Concentrate on what you can do to improve your own life. Find a way to fit in a bit of time for you, to exercise/see friends/pursue a hobby. Don't waste your time and energy on thinking about him.

I'm with everyone else. Write but don't send.

It's been 8 years. To put it blunt; he won't care. If anything, it'll boost his ego.

Move on.

@Undatisfied123 to write down your feelings and experiences might be cathartic but sending it to him won’t achieve what you’re hoping for.

You want him to feel ashamed, grateful, embarrassed and sincerely apologetic. You want him to read your words and realise all the pain, turmoil and anguish he caused. To fall on his knees weeping, begging forgiveness and offering to do anything to make the situation better. The likely reality is he will feel and do none of those things. If he had the level of emotional intelligence you are looking for by way of his response he would have shown it at some point in the last 8 years, you writing isn’t going to be the wake up call you think it is.

I suspect he hasn’t had any more children because he realised that life with young children requires a selflessness and level of maturity he does not poses. He didn’t want to repeat the life he had with you that he chose to blow up. He moved far enough away to avoid as much responsibility as possible without entirely abandoning your children.

Maybe one day he will acknowledge all you’ve done and how much he hurt you but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Even then it would only come from his own realisation, not anything you say.

You may not want him back but you haven’t moved on. It’s understandable to feel angry, resentful and bitter about his choices but how is that helping you? You sound like you need some counselling to help you let this go, for your sake.

It would be fine to do if @Undatisfied123 didn’t care about his response (or lack there of). Myself and other posters don’t think actually sending the letter would actually benefit op. She is clearly still very angry and bitter and is looking for some sort of admission of wrong-doing and grovelling apology which she is very unlikely to get.

She could send the letter, get it all out but if he doesn’t respond how she needs to be able to move in what has she achieved? She has given him access to her inner most thoughts and feelings that he could use to mock her, upset their children or cause other unknown issues. Or he could ignore it but surely that, given op’s clearly unresolved feelings on the issue, would probably cause her consternation either wondering if he received it, if he would ever say anything or additional anger at his disinterest.

Sending the letter would only be of benefit to OP if she didn’t care about the response. If she didn’t care about the response she probably wouldn’t feel the need to send the letter in the first place.

I understand the urge to do this. But I think men who did what your husband did tend to rewrite history to justify their actions. What's the alternative? He acknowledges that you were a good wife and mother but he broke your heart and tore his family apart anyway to get his end away? No, he'll never see it like that. He'll have all sorts of justifications and excuses for what he did. You changed after you had kids, he didn't feel appreciated, blah blah.

Your letter won't have the impact you hope. He can't afford to acknowledge the impact of what he's done, so he won't. If he was truly the kind I guy that would be affected by this kind of letter, he likely wouldn't be the kind I guy that would cheat and leave you in the first place.

He doesn’t care, he never cared, he will never care.

You will be wasting your breath, and time, as he is clearly a selfish person, who didn’t care all of those years ago that he left.

You know your worth, and we do to. He is worthless, and not worth wasting any of your thoughts on.

You're looking for closure but your closure was the fact he left you for someone else in the first place.

To look for a certain response (accountability/an apology) is unreasonable because you can't control how someone else feels - what if he says he just doesn't care? That will leave you feeling awful.

This is clearly bothering you so do something about it - focus on making your life amazing. Fancy a new haircut or maybe even colour? Do it! Feel like you need to get in shape? Now is the time! Feel like your wardrobe is in a bit of a rut? Get a personal shopper and change up your style but do it for YOU and for your confidence level. The best revenge is success in life and genuine happiness.