To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

I think you're missing a little bit of what people are saying @MrsSunshine2b

There are obviously going to be blended families who are enormously happy, everything has worked and it's lovely. And that's great.

But the point people are making is that that's a very lucky happy coincidence.

The very initial decision to blend is a fundamentally selfish one between the two adults who want a relationship with each other.

They don't embark on their relationship because they think it will be wonderful for their children. They do so for themselves. Because they want to. Literally the definition of selfishness.

If time does tell that all the kids gets on, and absolutely love it, then that is simply rather a lucky coincidence rather than the driver.

There's a limit to how welcome she (and her friends) can really be when you're a 3 hour round trip from the rest of her life though isn't there?

It's no more of a coincidence that whether you pick a good "baby daddy" for your bio-child- although another recurring theme on Mumsnet seems to be picking terrible partners and then being baffled as to why your children ended up with a terrible father.

Any parent who is dating should be considering the needs of their children and taking into account the attitudes of the step-parent, whether their parenting styles are compatible, whether they agree on how involved they should be in the children's lives, whether they get on etc..

There's no "coincidence" involved.

I’m not fixated on it at all, I’m telling you what I’ve learned from listening to hundreds of people. That every experience is different and that the initial break up is absolutely the hardest thing for some of them. For whatever reason, some people don’t want to hear that but it’s an important part of the experience which it’s helpful to understand.

It’s interesting that you feel that you’re able to comment on my families individual circumstances with absolutely no knowledge of them and a perfect example of the points that I’m making. It’s very easy to cast judgement on someone else by projecting your own stuff onto them but it’s not necessarily accurate.

Without going into detail of the personal life of my family, I know that my step kids are happy and grateful to have me and their half siblings in their lives because they tell me. Often and unprompted, even as adults with their own kids. However I also know that at least one of them had a terrible experience of being in a blended family, so I know it’s not always a good thing.

But this thread isn't about people who make shit choices for partners @MrsSunshine2b . Feel free to make a thread about that if you want.

This thread is about blended families and why they receive the reaction they do. And the conclusion overwhelmingly from this thread, is that at the heart of it, is decisions which primarily only consider the new relationship of the two adults, and don't act in the best interests of the children.

All children exist because adults wanted a relationship. Some get lucky. And some are collateral damage. Not in any way a concept unique to blended families.

If you are considerate and careful about who you pick for a stepparent, you will have a better chance of a happy blended family.

There's plenty of threads on here where a parent ignores red flags when blending a family, and also you see the same in other corners of the internet. The ones where everyone gets on well don't turn up on reddit or mumsnet with the same frequency.

That's true @MrsSunshine2b .

It's good to know that there are great step parents out there.

Mumsnet stepparenting opening posts are almost entirely and exclusively ops where stepmums slate the ex, then the thread unravels to reveal an absent father and stepmum who wishes to pretend his kids don't exist.

You're not wrong. I wouldn't say Mumsnet is the best place to come if you want to see the finest of our society to be honest. I keep meaning to leave as it's quite depressing, but it's weirdly fascinating too.

Indeed @MrsSunshine2b

Completely agree @HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou , I don't get why some act like people separate on a whim. My ex was a very frightening abusive man too, and I left when my children were babies. I dated casually for 6 years but kept that very separate to my children/homelife. This was our unit, nothing was getting close.

Only recently I'm back with someone and it's changed my view because I now think it's also important for my children to see you can also find happiness post such a situation. Say my dd left an abusive relationship, id completely want her to find joy elsewhere. I have no intention of moving in with my partner or him staying over but I have let them meet and am trying to build a different type of dynamic for us all. They see someone who is patient and kind with them and me both, who we arent frightened off. That can only be a good thing.

I'm sure money is at the heart of it for many.

Many single parent families are living in poverty. People love to throw around 'you prioritised a shag' but it's much more likely to be 'you prioritised a second income and/or stable housing'. Which could be, in many ways, a good decision for those kids even though they may not enjoy it.

While I wouldn't, and didn't, move a new man and his children into my home and am an advocate for not doing it, I can't deny that my view on stepfamilies comes from a position of privilege. I've been able to raise my kids on my own, with a good standard of living, without financial help from anyone, and live separately from my long term partner and his kids.

I don't think that's the overwhelming conclusion at all, it's not how it's come across to me. It may be the one that you have drawn but you are deliberately ignoring the posts from people who say their blended family was great and worked well.

If you, and others, have experienced a terrible time of it in a blended family then I'm sorry. But I'd suggest that your parents were indeed selfish and made shit decisions, and they would have let you down and not prioritised you whether they stayed together, stayed single, or blended.

Blended families themselves aren't to blame simply because they are blended - it's the people who are shit, not the circumstances.

They are pretty awful to themselves a lot of the time.

This - I think what’s largely missing from this thread is any appreciation of the challenges a single parent might have. It’s not a choice between two parents in a loving relationship and living with a wicked stepmother. It’s a choice between a single parent, often living in really difficult circumstances and under huge strain and the blended family.

If a single parent who is struggling to pay their bills and with the exhaustion/ loneliness of doing everything is in a good relationship and blends families partly to make life and finances easier I’m not going to judge that and it’s hard to say what the better option for the children is. I don’t think taking finances into account is selfish seeing as poverty is the no 1. factor which negatively affects a child’s outcomes. Half of single parent families live in poverty so this isn’t a niche issue.

And equally I don’t think that anyone should be telling others that a long-term relationship is unnecessary to their happiness or that they can just wait 20 years and then have one. It’s pretty high on the hierarchy of needs and more important for some than others.

I am very open to living separately from a partner if it’s an option but realistically it’s going to be hard to find and the logistics would be hard (and all the harder as a lone parent).

No you don't need to be single for ever. You can have a relationship with someone without moving them in.

I do know two or three blended families that the children have thrived in but in all of these cases there been no step children involved.

I split with DH in the summer and I can say with 100% confidence that I won't live with another man until they are adults. That doesn't rule out a relationship though.

These are the successful ones that I know of.

Agree here, I've noted the same. Hardly any though but a friend has a partner who has no kids, the biological dad is a druggie so no access to the child (not even wanting to change). The child is absolutely doted on by the partner/his family.

My own partner has no children and having been in both situations, it does help when there is only one set of children to focus on, and with an ex who isnt as present.

Tbh a lot of the upsetting threads are not the ones where the partner has moved in with the children. The ones that often stick out to me are the new family that the Dc “visit,” usually with the new stepmum posting about the strain this unreasonably places on her. Of course she is always a paragon of patience, knows exactly how to raise Dc even if she has none/ hers have not yet reached that age, knows the ex has clearly got it all wrong, and of course even though her new man left the ex because she was so sub-standard ( obvs), in a strange trick of storytelling, the ex also somehow orchestrated the situation precisely so that she could get child support to spend on trips to the Maldives and fags.

I'm going to be really controversial. You just sound like a family. No further labels needed.

Edit: sorry that's being a bit sarky to the people trying to belittle your family, not you! Xx

This is a personal attack and really unnecessary.
It's absolutely fine to disagree with someone and make different life choices.
This kind of personal attack on someone you know nothing about is exactly what this thread is about.

FWIW I am the product of parents who ' stayed together for the sake of the family'.
The outcome of that is that unhappiness and unkindness in a family were normalised to me, and I sleepwalked into an abusive marriage because I was conditioned to tolerate poor treatment for the sake of ' keeping the peace'. It took me a long time to understand that these weren't key traits of a 'good mother'.

Some of those who are very sanctimonious, are not doing as well by their kids as they think (obviously not referring to the many happy and emotionally healthy bio families, I know there are many of these).

This is a personal attack and really unnecessary.
It's absolutely fine to disagree with someone and make different life choices.
This kind of personal attack on someone you know nothing about is exactly what this thread is about.

Why are you posting this at me and not MrsSunshine2b, who told someone she knows nothing about to get therapy? She's volunteered lots of information about her awful family setup.

Or yourself, since you just posted that people you know nothing about aren't doing well by their children.

Pot, kettle.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice competely agree with you about the financial aspect. After all, many two parent households struggle for money. There's huge financial pressure on a single parent which I think many don't understand.

It's emotionally hard and lonely doing everything on your own too. I've found that with having a SEN child and a younger sibling, sometimes you just don't have enough hands. If you're out on your own and your special needs child is deliberately running away and you can't catch up with them because you have a baby or toddler in your arms, what do you do? So you stop going out and you become very isolated. Not everyone has family around or a group of friends who want to spend time around your tricky children.

That's not actually what I said, but I think you're quite aware of that.

I don't need your validation to know that we have a happy family, I was just sharing how it works for us. Which it does.

You have already made your mind up to be outraged on behalf of a child you've never met though.