Didn't let her sons bring their bikes. WIBU?

[BrainLife]

My son (5) has a friend at school (also 5). DS friend's mum is commuting to work for a week as a one off for some yearly mandatory team building. I offered to walk her kids to school with my son for a week because they live on the same road. First two days were no problem.

My son has SEN and goes on his push bike to school. This prevents meltdowns from walking and he's brilliant, stays next to me and generally just loves being on his bike. DS friend and his brother (8) would then walk alongside us. On Wednesday, they were stood outside their house with their bikes. I said I might struggle with 3 on bikes but gave it a go.

It was awful, I should've stood my ground and said no, but lesson learned. They zoomed off, were going up and down the path, nearly riding into people. Their mum told me they were really well behaved on their bikes (they're great to walk with so I assumed fine!) but they were a nightmare. Werent listening, going to far so i couldnt see them properly. Eventually I made them get off and walk their bikes alongside me which they agreed to after a stern conversation.

yesterday they were stood outside with bikes again, I said no to them bringing their bikes, sorry, it was too stressful and not safe. I had already given her a heads up the day before and she didnt reply. This morning I went to pick them up and she, in front of her boys, told me she though I was being unfair and excluding them because I was letting my son take his bike but not hers. It was very awkward and I had to just say 'OK, we can have a proper chat later but I have to go or I'll be late for work'. She was also walking out the door to get her train.

Felt like I was doing her a huge favour and she's responded by giving me a telling off.

So my question - would it have bothered you if I had done this?

But you tried it and it didn’t work! Bad form of her to berate you in front of the kids!!

YANBU

YANBU. This is the very definition of the phrase ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. Three bikes is too many. She wasn’t being fair on you and was rude.

She is being very very unreasonable

Honestly can’t believe the sheer cheek of her. You were doing a massive favour. You tried it. It wasn’t safe. You told her you’d still walk them. Totally unreasonable to put you on spot. If something had happened to one of them eg ridden off footpath into road and hit by car it’s on your head. I wouldn’t offer ever again.

Yanbu. Even if your son didnt have a good reason for being on his bike, one adult in charge of two 5yos and an 8yo on bikes does not sound safe. Your son shouldn’t have to change when you are doing a favour.

@Dramatic

so what’s your solution then? Op just keeps on going rather than these kids mum have to cope with a “‘meltdown”

I would have left her children there with her and just taken my son to school

To be honest I would have told her in front of the children « I sent you a text but maybe you didn’t see it; as they well know your children didn’t behave safely on bikes yesterday so no bike today. DS behaved so not sure why you think he should be allowed? «

As you found out, it was never going to work unless they also biked at a walking pace.

You were doing the favour, you set the rules for what you can manage even if it meant that your son was biking & they weren't!

You showed the patience of a saint to even try it once, OP. The morning school run is as stressful as it gets - it’s less stressful if your son cycles and less stressful if her kids walk. So them’s the rules. Your friend was entirely unreasonable.

I would have spoken sternly to my children and got them to apologise, before putting their bikes away.

I can't stand people who don't give boundaries to their children. Their actions, their consequences. She should have impressed this on them, not had a go at you.

Of course it’s fair that children don’t get to use their bikes if they ride them irresponsibly. The only unfair thing would be punishing the innocent child because of the other children’s behaviour.

As an autistic women, SEN professional I am getting rather fustrated at the term Meltdown being used for a child’s tantrum. A meltdown is not controllable behaviour. A child or an adult having in a meltdown is not appeased by suddenly being given what they want. It is a physiological and mental response to overwhelming sensory experiences and mental exhaustion. Being appeased by being given what you want is having a tantrum. That is not acceptable parenting for any child with or without SEND and the reality they become spoilt adults who society does not want to engage with.

Yanbu, categorically yanbu

Out of interest OP, does she still assume you will be walking them tomorrow after the way she spoke to you today?

As @LookItsMeAgain said
"She wanted an easy life so that she could leave and get her train to go to work, she didn't give two hoots about how difficult it might be for you to bring her kids to school."

I was in exactly the same situation OP. I once took two extra kids with mine as the mum was in hospital. They cycled every day so were well trained and obedient. I still found 3 kids on bikes tricky.
A CF spotted this and wanted to add her younger DC to the mix. He rarely cycled and was the type to run ahead when walking, so I can imagine your panic when they did that on bikes, having to chase after them. I said I couldn't control four bikes on my own. The repeated requests, and arguing went on. She really thought i was using the risk aspect as an excuse and it was really awkward to keep refusing but I'm glad I did.

In your case, I'm amazed at the mum's attitude when you told her you thought it was dangerous. I can't understand why she didn't get that. Or why she took it out on you instead of speaking to her children. or simply agreeing that you'd offered to walk them, not cycle them. She has no grounds to dictate that your son can't use his bike if they walk with you.

I’ve seen a few of these types of posts on here recently where a mum has done favour and instead of thank you there’s been a moan - child given something sugary etc. Beggars can’t be choosers.
I’m a volunteer leader and we are increasingly finding some parents don’t appreciate difference in caring for a child 1-1 v as part of group.

Thankfully it's Saturday tomorrow so my week of taking them is done 😅

Yes when my son has a meltdown I have to walk away (when in the home) because he can become violent. He's not a violent child in general but he struggles to control his emotions when he is overwhelmed. He has been known to punch himself in the face also. He does this less in public but he has done it. It's awful, people stare, he becomes even more stressed, I've had to lay on the floor with him before on the pavement in the rain and just completely ignore anyone around me to get him to calm down. Highly embarrassing but we do these things for our kids. I hope this helps some people to understand why the bike is necessary. The process of getting ready for school so he can ride on his bike, getting to lock the bike himself when he gets to school, then giving the bike lock key to reception is a whole process that helps him go to school happily. It is part of his learning plan. He then goes to his classroom and gets a sticker on his chart for riding the bike, locking the bike, and handing in the key. If I just took his bike away it would be very difficult to get him to school.

You sound like a great mum OP.

It certainly sounds you are doing the best thing for him. I imagine the bike feels lovely in a sensory manner. The locking it up and handing in the key is the transition of home to school. He is showing he listens to you and understands that you are keeping him safe by riding next to you. It is obviously an established part of his routine. How did he cope with the other children not listening to you? You have made any excuses or unreasonable demands for him due to autism. You are being a responsible parent by establishing a safe routine and transition for him.

Your friend as well as a few on this thread are obviously so scared of upsetting their little munchkins that they can't actually parent effectively
If only she'd felt able to explain that you were doing them a favour and so they had to abide by your very reasonable request, rather than taking the pip

@Education1870

absolutely agree 👏

She's lucky you didn't say "well if that's your opinion then I won't take them to school any more"
And walk off with your child & not hers.

But I would message her and say
I do not appreciate the way you spoke to me this morning, it was rude & offensive. I was doing you a favour and wanted to keep your children safe, which is not possible due to their behaviour when they are cycling.
I will not take your children to school in any circumstances in the future so you will have to make alternative arrangements.