Didn't let her sons bring their bikes. WIBU?

[BrainLife]

My son (5) has a friend at school (also 5). DS friend's mum is commuting to work for a week as a one off for some yearly mandatory team building. I offered to walk her kids to school with my son for a week because they live on the same road. First two days were no problem.

My son has SEN and goes on his push bike to school. This prevents meltdowns from walking and he's brilliant, stays next to me and generally just loves being on his bike. DS friend and his brother (8) would then walk alongside us. On Wednesday, they were stood outside their house with their bikes. I said I might struggle with 3 on bikes but gave it a go.

It was awful, I should've stood my ground and said no, but lesson learned. They zoomed off, were going up and down the path, nearly riding into people. Their mum told me they were really well behaved on their bikes (they're great to walk with so I assumed fine!) but they were a nightmare. Werent listening, going to far so i couldnt see them properly. Eventually I made them get off and walk their bikes alongside me which they agreed to after a stern conversation.

yesterday they were stood outside with bikes again, I said no to them bringing their bikes, sorry, it was too stressful and not safe. I had already given her a heads up the day before and she didnt reply. This morning I went to pick them up and she, in front of her boys, told me she though I was being unfair and excluding them because I was letting my son take his bike but not hers. It was very awkward and I had to just say 'OK, we can have a proper chat later but I have to go or I'll be late for work'. She was also walking out the door to get her train.

Felt like I was doing her a huge favour and she's responded by giving me a telling off.

So my question - would it have bothered you if I had done this?

Agreed that you are doing her a big favour but if you are looking after a group of kids, I think its unfair to not let them all do the fun stuff. I'd have them all doing the same, either walking, cycling, scooting, whatever.

I can’t understand people who ask for/ accept a favour and then get stroppy about it!

And it’s obvious having one child on a bike it totally different to three. Throw in their awful behaviour and it’s totally unreasonable of her to even try to get you to take them on bikes again.

And any such meltdown could and should have been met with a reminder that she, the adult, is in charge not the child. And that they misbehaved when they were allowed their bikes and didn’t listen to another adult in charge. Therefore no bikes until they learn to behave. It’s called parenting.

Safety and disability are two very obvious exceptions to the "treat everyone the same" rule though, and both apply here.

Did you miss the part about her son being SEN and needing his bike for that reason ? And misbehaving the first time round was what resulted in the ‘fun stuff’ being stopped. A good lesson learned early.

Fucking hell. Do you need to maintain the relationship? If you're not that bothered I think you should text her - 'hey just to clarify - DS's SEN mean it's much much easier to get him to school on the bike, but unfortunately that didn't work so well with three of them, and it was really scary when they cycled off. I'm sorry you thought I was treating your kids unfairly - I hope if you explain that we make allowances for some kids because they struggle with things that others can do easily, they'll understand.'

ooh this has made me so cross on your behalf.

Well you’re daft aren’t you? The parent’s job in that situation is to say to the child, ‘you didn’t do as you were told, this is the consequence’.

Use your brain.

That’s right, all doing the same. All getting knocked down when they cycle heedlessly into the road.

So don't cycle then. Plenty of other options

OP explained why her son uses his bike - it’s for reasons of disability and unfair isn’t part of the equation here. You wouldn’t make a physically disabled child walk if it was easier for them to use a wheelchair so why would you be any different with a special needs child just because his disability isn’t obvious ? What you’re advocating here is putting the wants of perfectly able bodied children before the needs of one with a disability. Do you think that’s fair ?

Not for OP's DS.

Not for OP’s son.

@Ablondiebutagoody That only works if all the children have the ability to stick to the safety rules.

These children did not stick to the safety rules and had to be told to get off their bikes and walk.

Not biking was the direct consequence of their poor behaviour.

OP's son behaved well and should not be punished for this by removing his bike as he stuck to the rules.

Absolutely boggles my mind that some people are actually trying to justify her response because the kids don't think it's fair?!

Life isn't fair. Those of you going to bat for your children because they're not getting everything they want are doing them a disservice.

@BrainLife YANBU.

It's as if some parents nowadays are afraid to let their children experience emotions.

Children don't feel unloved or less than because on the odd occasion they have to be in the presence of a child who is "getting something" and they can't have it.
Feeling ever so slightly sad because they can't ride their bikes is not going to be detrimental.

Are some parents aiming for zero sadness in 2024 UK? Never let their children even see a child having an ice-cream out of the car window without the possibility of immediately stopping to buy one, hence a lifelong sadness should before them and cause self esteem issues.

Real sadness, from abuse, being unloved, mourning, bullying etc. is devastating. We obviously wouldn't want our children to feel sad about less serious issues either such as friendship issues or failure to accomplish certain goals either, but we wouldn't prevent them from trying.

Nowadays it seems that anything that could cause even a minor feeling of less than enthusiastically happy is a no go!!

We need to normalise our children to the idea that while it's great to feel happy, we need to also acknowledge the feeling of normal contentment. A sense of being ok.

It's ok to not particularly enjoy doing the food shop with a parent, or tidy out our rooms or wait in line for something at the post office. Often children are "protected" from this sort of mundane activity because it isn't "child centred". Well life isn't adult centred either, it's full of adults doing stuff that they don't particularly want to. Children don't need to be bought a treat for day to day living or else it's setting them up for a lifetime of having to reward themselves for every little thing. Children need to be loved and listened to and helped to be themselves in the best way they can within the society in which they live.

She wasn't "looking after" a group of kids, she was walking them to school.

Her son wasn't on his bike for "fun stuff" as OP states.

Your point would be relevant if it was a playdate, but it wasn't.

I have three kids, I wouldn't have taken them all to school on their bikes for the same reason OP won't with these two again - they mess about and can put themselves in danger. If they find that unfair, too bad. It's my job to keep them safe, not to ensure they get what they want all the time.

She s a proper CF for having a go at you.

Her little cherubs were little shits for you. She needs to be reading them the riot act, and supporting your decsion, not siding with the naughty and dangerous behaviour.

YANBU. She set you up to be the bad guy and didn't back you up at all when you were doing her a favour and had made it quite clear bikes weren't welcome.

I'd have made it quite clear that if the bikes were coming on the school run, so was she and she could get the next train. I wouldn't have waited for them to put the bikes away either. Cheeky mare. That's awful parenting.

I take it everyone was waiting on foot this morning and she's probably been quite chilly?

You're completely reasonable and sensible. No way can you be responsible for the safety of children who behave like this - what would have happened if one of them had an accident? You were in loco parentis and you did what any normal parent would do. Your friend is being really foolish.

At 5 a child is old enough to understand that some children have SEN and they need certain adjustments to be made. My son was in year R when he complained that "Harry" was allowed to play with Lego while everyone else had to do writing. I explained as best I could without knowing the circumstances and my son understood.

Would have been my response ideally to her but reality probably my text after I had thought about it .Definitely wouldn't be allowing them to take bike after the 1st display

YANBU. Agree that if the other kids are objecting to not having bikes, this is a good time for that parent to explain SEN and how some people need more help and understanding to manage life than others. Not have a strop to you about it - she is being a terrible role model to them.

"Hi CF, I need to get this off my chest. I was pretty irked with your response last week to me helping out. I tried it with the bikes and it was a stress inducing dangerous nightmare. My son has to travel on his bike, that is all. I was happy to help you out but expected a gracious thank you and instead received criticism."

Never a good fucking deed, eh? 🤣🤣🤣
If she ever had to take them to school with their bikes, I'm pretty sure she'll end up tearing her hair out. And wanting to profusely apologise to you.
She's an idiot because her actions have probably ruined what could've been a good friendship.