Visitors after giving birth

[PermanentlyTired03]

I’m currently expecting DC2, and mentioned to my husband whilst we were talking about preparing for a newborn (food in freezer, washing done etc) that I didn’t want anyone visiting for the first week or so. I’m having a C-section and I know I’ll be sore, knackered, milk coming in etc and would rather be able to sit around in my pjs making no effort. My in-laws aren’t the sort of people you can do this around! I said I don’t want to host people, feel uncomfortable and have photos taken (all based on experience of having DD). He said I was being a bit of a toddler about it. Personally I think he wants to keep the peace with his parents. I know they’ll want to come over immediately and I get it’s a new grandchild for them but what about me? They aren’t the sort to pop in for an hour and know their boundaries. AIBU?

Surprised it took 2 pages for the "when he has a baby, he can have a say" bullshit 🙄

It's not bullshit though to expect your husband to be considerate of your needs when you've had major abdominal surgery, is it? Especially when the demand is very reasonable.

I was wondering that. Funny it's always the inlaws that are the problem ...

Doesn't matter if the rules apply to them. OP is the one giving birth so she can make the rules. It's not about the GP or their feelings.

I can see why you wouldn’t want to host (and you don’t have to, if ever there’s a time it’s acceptable to lounge in your PJs it’s when you’ve just given birth!). Leave your husband to host.
I would say though, I didn’t realise quite how much DC1 would struggle with the arrival of DC2. I had these visions of us all spending a lovely week together but by about day 3, she needed some normality so my MiL came round, played with her while I napped upstairs with DC2. That said,my MiL and DC1 are incredibly close, as are we, so for her it made life a little more normal having her granny round for playtime. I’d keep an open mind in case you end up needing more support than you’d think - don’t cut off your nose to spite your face unnecessarily.

I would let them visit BUT stay in your comfortable clothes, do not even get up to make a cup of tea, take yourself and baby off to the room if you want to rest or feed in privacy. Just basically do it all on your own terms and if they feel uncomfortable then good, they will think twice again from visiting and being so unhelpful. I've had 2 CSec and I only had people over who were going to help or not be a bit bother. Dh family lived far away, and needed to stay if they visit. They also are not the type to pitch in, so we had them come after a month. Even then it was a week of having the fridge stocked and telling them to help themselves. I did cook the main evening meal because I wanted something nice for us, but lunch and breakfast was completely up to them.
I also napped when baby napped so unfortunately for them they had to entertain themselves.
Fortunately DH supported me in every way because he realised that me just giving birth was a priority over grown adults who can sort themselves out.
When my dp's stayed they literally took over everything and dh and I got a huge break. Seeing that he was very much on my side about who we have over that will actually be of help and support.

I think it’s unfair for your husband to say you’re being “a toddler about it” (what?). I get him wanting his parents to meet the baby asap but maybe if they weren’t so high maintenance you’d be more comfortable hosting them within a week of major surgery, the recovery and the taking care of a newborn and another older child too.

Why would it? I feel significantly more comfortable around my own family than I do my husbands, particularly when recovering from birth. This is quite normal, I think.

You are the one going through the trauma of a baby being cut out of your body and then trying to recover afterwards so you get to set the rules on who is in your home and when.

the baby isn’t going to go anywhere, people can be patient and wait until you’re ready to host.

Yanbu. I had to do the same with baby 2. My family popped by and took my toddler out but xp's family didn't visit for a couple of weeks. My recovery and bf went much smoother.

I had my daughter during the pandemic and it was 5 weeks before my in-laws came up. We saw my parents for the first time around 3 weeks. It wasn't ideal but it was also wonderful.
My mother in-law wanted to know that I felt comfortable for them to come and didn't stay as long as we offered as she didn't want to overstep.

If we are lucky enough to have a second, we would probably not have visitors for 5-7 days and probably wouldn't have in-laws to visit until 10-14 days.

So I'm sitting here reading these comments as a post c-section mummy (currently 4 days after my third time) and rolling my eyes at many comments while applauding others.

It is not "mean" to deny anyone visiting nor is it in any way unacceptable to feel more comfortable with your own family/parents than your in-laws. This also applies even if it's your in-laws who are babysitting your first child while you're in hospital. You don't "owe" them a free pass into invading your personal space during a vulnerable time just because they did you a favour.
If and when you do feel up to visitors, and its your husband's responsibility to inform his family if you are not ready, then do nothing when they come. Don't tidy up in advance, don't make cups of tea or coffee, just sit. And just get up, thank them for coming then leave the room for a rest once you've had enough. You are also not obliged to let them hold baby if you aren't comfortable. Let people be arseholes about it, even your husband (who is being a total bellend tbh), this is your time to be "selfish". It's a bloody big operation not just a wee cut and baby is popped out and you just get on with your week. Oh and as a side note, take the painkillers.

Absolutely, why does it matter if they meet baby at 2 hours old, 2 days old or 2 weeks old? The baby will have no memory of who visited them and when, and if anything, it's unsettling for them to be passed person to person.

So anyone who insists on visiting early on isn't doing so out of care or love for the baby, the newborn baby doesn't give a sh1t about them. They doing it because they want to see the baby, it's about them. I don't want or need selfish people around when I'm recovering from major surgery.

This. And I can't tell you how disappointing it is to read that your DH '... said I was being a bit of a toddler about it.'

Really? A 'bit of a toddler'?! Said to the woman who is going through the pain and risk of giving birth to his child, and about to undergo major surgery! Men like this DS need a massive change in their attitudes as this kind of disrespect is so inappropriate, just beyond the pale really.

I didn’t know people visited in hospital unless you were in for a few days?! There was on one chair by my bed when I had my daughter- I was in the ward- not in a side room.
He was being a massive arse. Fully agree! He’s not normally such a turd 😆

@Bushmillsbabe @DaisyChain505 thank you! This was my point exactly! It’s not a I want the baby to myself, more of a give me a chance before having lots of people around. Same applies to my own family, I’m not being biased.

This made me laugh out loud! If DH had a vasectomy the fuss would be beyond dramatic. I’d probably have to get him a fan to wave about for effect.

That’s not a bad idea. I remember with my first drinking lots of tea from a travel cup, endless snacks and watching a lot of tv and films in the first few weeks! I’m slowly trying to talk to my 3 yr old about mummy going to hospital and how gentle we all have to be afterwards to avoid any burst stitches or accidental damage 😬

Tell him he can have your c section performed on him instead and then he can be hosting people wanting to come in early days.

I gave birth last year and was only allowed 2 visitors per day for an hour. I was in hospital for a few days and chose my parents. We told in laws to wait a few days. Wish we'd waited longer as I'd only been discharged for a day when they came round.

I think the posters above who are suggesting that you ask you in laws to visit you must've given birth quite a long time ago because having lots of visitors isn't allowed now and new mums feel confident to say they want privacy.

So your argument is that OP's PILs don't care about her at all so they should definitely be allowed to visit straight after the birth? I don't think that's the winning argument you think it is. OP probably doesn't want to stay upstairs on her own without her baby purely for the convenience of her in-laws.

When we were in this situation I firmly told my husband that when it’s him who’s having the c-section he gets to decide on visitors. It was a non-negotiable. I was scared of making his family feel pushed out so I told both sides that we would let them know when we were ready for visitors and refused to commit, to make it fair. Everyone lived hours away so I wasn’t concerned about drop-in visits. My reasoning was that if I was in pain, bleeding, crying, leaking milk all over the place then my DH would surely have enough sense to support me when telling people they have to wait to come as I’m having a rough time of it. And if I wasn’t and felt up to visitors he wouldn’t exactly be upset.

I called my mum in tears 2 days before my section and begged her to come. I was so scared and I just needed my mum. I told DH and he was like “what about my mum?” And my reply was “when it’s you giving birth and having major surgery, I have no issue her being here.” That shut him up. Thank goodness my mum came. My waters went the morning of my section and DH panicked and ran to get her, she brought supplies to the hospital when we had to stay in longer (DH stayed with me) and second night home when DS screamed for 10 hours and I was sobbing and DH was about the same, she took him and let us both catch up on some much needed sleep. She even helped me with showering, breastfeeding, dressing etc while DH saw to the baby - absolutely no way would I have wanted anyone else to do that for me.

The day of my section DHs family chat was blowing up with messages from MIL constantly asking for updates, any time yet etc. I didn’t mind at first (there’s not much to do in triage!). But it seemed like every 15 minutes there was another MIL message asking for news. I tried to stop it from bothering me as I knew she was just excited, but it did start to grate as we’d told her we’d let her know when we knew anything. I looked at my phone after surgery and saw the messages hadn’t stopped and eventually a message from my SIL (DHs brothers wife) firmly telling MIL to calm down and if baby is here to let us have our own family time to bond and we’ll no doubt tell everyone when we’re ready!

I was in for 48 hours and it was nice knowing I’d not put a timeline on visitors as it took the pressure off, but once I got home with DS I was surprised how well I felt and how up and about I was, so I asked DH to get his mum down the next day. I knew it was important to him she came as soon as I felt able. Her face when my mum opened the door made it apparent she hadn’t know she’d been there since before the birth (DH hadn’t told her even though it wasn’t exactly a secret). I did feel bad but also I refused to feel guilty as she was there for me and I needed my mum.

Edited to add: no visitors to the hospital except my mum, as Covid restrictions were still in place. If I had another now and was only in 1 or 2 nights I’d just have a blanket ban on hospital visitors, as that is too much pressure

The hospital I had my baby in earlier this week had open visiting between 1pm and 10pm and although they said it was 2 visitors per bed (not including birth partner) I often saw people have 3 or 4 people and at one point 5 😳

That's crazy! My hospital were very strict with visiting hour. They set a precise time so visitors couldn't come whenever. They also limited it to 2 visitors and probably asked who visitors were when they buzzed in.

In Indian cultures support is often provided from both sides of the family. Mil is to support dad (and sometimes the baby too) and DMs are to support Mum. I think that way is better. During Sil’s traumatic births DB was shell shocked (she had multiple serious complications and was on the high dependancy ward, both babies almost died) and without Mum being there to provide practical help during her sections he would have cracked. I think DMs forget how stressful a difficult birth can be for their parthers who are then expected to pick up all the pieces and stifle their own trauma too. DB had ptsd for a long time.