Visitors after giving birth

[PermanentlyTired03]

I’m currently expecting DC2, and mentioned to my husband whilst we were talking about preparing for a newborn (food in freezer, washing done etc) that I didn’t want anyone visiting for the first week or so. I’m having a C-section and I know I’ll be sore, knackered, milk coming in etc and would rather be able to sit around in my pjs making no effort. My in-laws aren’t the sort of people you can do this around! I said I don’t want to host people, feel uncomfortable and have photos taken (all based on experience of having DD). He said I was being a bit of a toddler about it. Personally I think he wants to keep the peace with his parents. I know they’ll want to come over immediately and I get it’s a new grandchild for them but what about me? They aren’t the sort to pop in for an hour and know their boundaries. AIBU?

Would he be happy to host your parents immediately after having a vasectomy?

It's a much less invasive procedure, with much shorter recovery time and he wouldn't be a toddler about it would he?

I think it's a bit mean to not let them meet the baby but short visits, 30 mins or so and no more than. Twice in the first 10 days or so

It's your husband that's being the toddler.

Let them come for an hour once or twice. I wouldn't bother to get dressed though if you don't want to. Let your husband look after them, smile and nod at them for an hour and let them coo over the baby then retire to your room gracefully with the baby.

Probably go with day 4 onwards once you're more organised less off painkillers and have got started with feeding. Keep the first 3 days for yourselves. You're probably in hospital for 2 of them anyway

It might be nice for your other child to see grandparents too - they can stay a bit longer to spend time with him when you go off to sort baby?

Me and my husband had a no visitors for 2 weeks rule when our baby was born.

On day 13 I finally felt ready for visitors and was really excited about the family coming to meet her. Before then I'd spent a large portion of every day crying and couldn't have handled visitors so was glad I told them to stay away.

It was perfect for us s and if we have another id do it again.

Well it does feel mean to deny one set of grand parents and not the other based on breast feeding. Take the baby to another room.

I know I’ll be sore, knackered, milk coming in etc and would rather be able to sit around in my pjs making no effort. My in-laws aren’t the sort of people you can do this around!

My MIL is like that but my attitude is tough shit. What are they going to do? Bitch behind your back? Who cares.
Let them come round but keep it on your terms.

"It's mean not to let grandparents meet the baby becuase they're excited." OP is being cut open and a new baby pulled out of her. Her hormones hit the floor, she's in pain, bleeding, potentially trying to establish breastfeeding. How the hell does anybody else's wants trump hers.

People can visit the baby when the mother of the baby feels comfortable seeing them.

I think I might do this for my second baby.

No it won't apply to my mum, because she's my mum so I could happily sit there in just my pants being a mess but wouldn't feel comfortable doing that with my PIL.

I don't think they would overstay their welcome mind you, but I'm not going to be pushed into doing it on the day we are discharged this time!

Why do people think that because they are a GP they have the right to see the baby straight away? It’s madness to me.
GP aren’t the kids parent, they can wait a bit if need be. If baby’s mum wants a week to herself first, she should be able to call the shots.

I think this is one of those things that just comes down to what you are personally comfortable with. I felt ok after having my son and was dying to introduce him to his extended family so I would have had anyone around (and I did). If your in-laws make you uncomfortable then it's ok set different boundaries but I can see why your husband would struggle with it.

I can see both sides. You need to feel comfortable and you definitely shouldn’t be hosting, your husband can do that. Equally, a grandchild is a massive joy in most families so I understand they’d want to see the baby too. In my circle of family and friends we all saw each other’s babies multiple times immediately after the births but no one expected to be hosted. I’d have a shower when someone was round, they’d bring food so I didn’t have to worry about cooking, it was lovely and really works for us. I get that not everyone has that dynamic.

I’m about to have my 3rd and find the entitlement around meeting a new baby so weird.

I’ve never had specific rules around when people can come.

I come home the same day baby is born and PIL are there because they have been looking after our dog/ other DC. We usually have a take away. I adore my MIL though, if I didn’t I wouldn’t have any trouble going straight to my room and making it clear that they were not welcome to stay.

My family are good at texting to say let us know when you’re up for visitors and then it’s down to me to decide when I feel up for it.

Everyone I know is very respectful and no one is pushy, in a rush or comes round multiple times. If they did I would not hesitate implementing a no visitors rule until X weeks.

You are the most important person in this situation. You are the one recovering. You are the one in pain. You are the one who is vulnerable, tired and most likely in a state of constant undress. You decide when and for how long you want visitors. Do not be pushed into people pleasing at the detriment of your own well being. Send some photos, that’s enough for the time being.

Mum and baby come first, that rule is absolute, baby is small and vunerable and needs to establish close bonds with their primary caregivers.
It's of absolutely no benefit to the baby to have their grandparents visit in the first week, it's either neutral, or harmful if it distresses their mummy, as babies pick up on emotions.
If Dad or Grandparents insist then they are prioritising thenself over baby and mum, and not the people you need around.
With our first I did 'the expected' and my parents, inlaws, our adult siblings all came and visited, I was exhausted, in pain and trying to establish breastfeeding, it was really tough.

With 2nd, I was much clearer with boundaries. My husband was with me in the hospital, and my mum visited for 1 hour to support me post c section, to allow my husband to go home, get a quick shower clean clothes for him and me and come back. In laws, my Dad and siblings did not visit until about 10 days post birth.

Short visits is the compromise here. Banning them entirely is unfair.

You take the opportunity to have a shower or a lie down whilst they are there and DH does the hosting.

It only creates 'ill will' if those not visiting put their wishes above those of mum and baby.
We clearly communicated before we had DD2 that week one was for us to bond with baby as a family. There was no ill will, no push back. MIL is very vocal and if she isn't happy about something the world knows about it, and she said to DH that she fully understood, and she eished she had done same when she had hers. He did a short video call with her to show DD2 and that was fine.

Don't convince him just tell him no. If he calls you a toddler say that's a nasty way to stalk to your pregnant wife preparing for surgery, if he's still nasty to you tell him you'd rather go and stay with your son parents for a week after the birth.

A woman can be vulnerable post surgery around her own mum but not her in laws why is that so hard to understand.
Why doesnt this husband or his family care about her being comfortable post surgery?

Would this man want his in laws hanging around while he'd just had major surgery and had his bits on display?

Hospital - no! Think of all the other poor ladies on the ward.

I really don't think you should pre promise this you don't know what your health will be like.
I'd like me you were crying with nipple trauma and half your nipple hanging off you don't want In laws arriving

Yes

I'm surprised at the answers here. 7 days is such a short time after birth, you're not asking to be left alone for a month! Of course you can request no visits for the first 7 days, I would say it's kind of natural. My in laws planned to be on holidays around my due date so came to see DD2 on day 9 or 10, completely normal.
Just say first week you'll be exhausted and getting to grips with everything but after this week of adjustment they're more than welcome.

If it's not possible for them to make a short visit in hospital then I'd try and seek a compromise and be firm with your DH that you'll be staying in PJs (tough shit if ILs don't like it), and he must make sure they only stay an hour or two max. Make the sofa up like a bed and lie down so it's clear you're recuperating. Also, he'll be doing any hosting and running around. If he can't put your needs first then there will be no visitors. I think to keep things fair you need to include your own family in those rules too OP.

In all kindness they’ll come to see the baby not you. You could stay in bed and let DH manage the visit (and bring down the baby) and it would make no difference to them.

With a C Section you won’t be able to do much for the first 12 weeks except care for baby. So you might as well get him managing his parents.

Also your husband needs to pipe it down, annoys me so much to read DHs giving heir unsolicited opinion in post birth matters. Having had 2 c sections myself, the recovery is harder on the second one, and he's not the one having major abdominal surgery. Just tell him when he has his stomach ripped open in half, he can have a say. Same battle for in laws.