Page 4 | Fed up of women having to do it all

indecisivewoman81 · 2024-10-17T17:35:43+00:00

Need a rant. I'm so fed up of having to not only work full time but do all the school drop offs and pick ups, make all the meals in the house, do all the washing, take the kids to clubs, do the food shop and my DH just looks after himself. He gets up, showers and goes to work... If I die I want to come back as a privileged man! I am exhausted from trying to do everything. I literally feel like I run from one chore to the next whilst trying to hold down a full time job in management. Just lost my shit and we've had a massive row. Apparently he works hard! I said to him if I died what would you do? He said "well I'd have to do it" And there ladies and gentlemen is it in a nutshell. He doesn't feel he has to. Fuck me I'm raging!!

Phineyj · 17/10/2024 21:19

Thing is a woman would have changed that long commute by now: retrained; looked for a job with better WFH options; found a more local job. She'd have had to in order to do all those pick ups and drop offs...

Are you sure he's not lengthening the work day deliberately to get out of tasks?

My DH (not much of a housekeeper tbh) is at least really great with leaving work promptly and picking up shopping on the way back. And he drives us around loads with no complaints. It has taken a lot of effort but he has massively improved on the home front. I just use that time honoured technique: "would you rather load the dishwasher or put the child to bed?" Etc.

Be more ruthless. Never do anything that will only inconvenience him if not done.

Elphamouche · 17/10/2024 21:22

I disagree with “we were told we can have it all and we can’t”.

Candaceowens · 17/10/2024 21:34

Elphamouche · 17/10/2024 21:22

I disagree with “we were told we can have it all and we can’t”.

I think everyone's versions of "have it all" are completely different.

For me, having it all means not working and being there for every moment of my children's childhood. That also means doing all the domestic tasks as DH works hard so we can be comfortable on one salary.

For other people having it all might mean being able to work and progress in their career whilst also having children with a partner who shares responsibilities.

Getstuckin · 17/10/2024 21:38

When you die, come back as a woman again and be more picky. There are millions of men who don’t let their partner do it all

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 17/10/2024 21:39

indecisivewoman81 · 17/10/2024 21:05

I do stand up for myself.
It hasn't always been this bad.

And I stay with him because we have fun together, we have shared interest and love each other.

I think the problem comes from the fact that he does a long commute and I don't.

So by the time he is home I've done (what I feel) is the lions share. And he is knackered. But so am I

At the weekend when we are both off, he does more and will happily do all the ironing. He isn't all bad ( I was ranting) but does need to recognise that I am not sorely responsible for the day to day running of the house and children.

When I tell him I'm sick of doing dinners etc he says well don't; but he won't be bothered to cook.

I know things need to change.

I agree with a previous poster; we were taught to have it all and we can't.

My mistake in believing others had similar experiences; clearly I am the mug.

I don't want a divorce but I do want change.

You can't love someone you have no respect for. He doesn't care about you.

Getonwitit · 17/10/2024 21:40

Women don't need to do it all, they take the load on. How many women have sat down with the man in their life before getting married or moving in together and had a frank conversation, pointing out that they are not his mummy or his housekeeper, how many have pointed out they will only live in a 50/50 household How many talk about how money and chores will work during (and only during maternity leave) How many have said you will not shop for his family's cards and presents and that you will only carry half the mental load ? Very few will have had that conversation and if you haven't you only have yourself to blame.

Phineyj · 17/10/2024 21:57

I don't blame women for lazy men.

If I go somewhere with a female friend she thinks for herself and does stuff without being asked.

FriendlyFriend · 17/10/2024 22:27

Im just divorcing one of these. Id rather be on my own with kids and do everything vs him not pulling his weight

Applemayjune · 17/10/2024 22:30

Some men definitely do want a servant, not a wife.

StartingOverInMy40s · 17/10/2024 22:32

I hate to say it but women don't have to do it all - if that's the way you feel then you probably will end up doing it all.

I have an amazing partner who does a very manual job but still insists on sharing the load despite me offering to do more as I'm really conscious that his job is more tiring than mine.

Tonight he's come in from a twelve hour shift and told me to sit down while he cooks tea as he could see I was tired. I offered to cook as I knew he must be exhausted himself but he sent me to watch tv with a Pepsi max and a biscuit.

I know I'm lucky but I also know I wouldn't stand for anything other than a partnership.

You can do better op.

Grepes · 17/10/2024 22:38

Elphamouche · 17/10/2024 21:22

I disagree with “we were told we can have it all and we can’t”.

Me too!

I have everything I want. ‘All’ means different things to different people. I believe I have it all. Loving husband, children, job I have worked hard for, respect at work and at home, great balance of work/home/social life. I’m not stressed, I enjoy the time I have with the people I love.

Fieldandfountain77 · 17/10/2024 22:55

Grepes · 17/10/2024 22:38

Me too!

I have everything I want. ‘All’ means different things to different people. I believe I have it all. Loving husband, children, job I have worked hard for, respect at work and at home, great balance of work/home/social life. I’m not stressed, I enjoy the time I have with the people I love.

Show quote history

That’s really terrific that you have that capability and resilience but I think you are in a minority.

I certainly did not ever manage to achieve all you have without feeling that at least one or two big ticket items on that list was slipping.

For most people, I think it’s more realistic to say that and your other half can have it all, but not necessarily at the same time.

BestEffort · 17/10/2024 23:20

These posts always piss me off. It's great for those of us who's men are joy this way but for many of us these men don't show they are this way until AFTER you have a child. Then what do you do? Split up and still do it all hit get the social judgment of being a single mum or put up with it? And half the time the splitting up option means you knowing have to send your child to a lazy parent when you know if you stay together at least you can do it all and they do t suffer from his laziness.

It's fine to say have that frank conversation of what you expect. From the very start insist they do half etc. But what if they don't? Do you tell your kids they can't do the club because daddy won't pull his weight? Do you forgoe holidays and luxuries because you can't face working full time and all parenting so you quit your job?

Yes there are great men out there but there are many many who are not and who looked great until kids were in the mix. That's not the woman's fault. Sometimes we need to vent, get ideas from others who understand how we can improve the situation before we throw the towel in and leave thus sentence our kids to a life of financial hardship and still having to do it all ourselves anyway. Telling women in this situation that she made a bad choice and how amazing your partner is does not help anyone it just kicks her while she is down.

Op my advice is stop doing his washing and food. Batch cook on the weekend so you can just heat up the evening meals. Make mum friends to share club drop offs with. Have a serious think about if you can or want to do this alone- will he have kids 50/50 thus you get all the help you wanted and time off to boot. Or will he continue to do nothing so now you are in the same situation just poorer. Or will you be poorer if he's paying you maintenance and covering half the childcare? Once you know what you are prepared to do then give the ultimatum if you plan to follow that through. If you don't plan to follow it through then find other ways to change things. Treat him like a puppy and train him- reward the behaviours you want etc. Tell him a clean house is part of foreplay and so sexy, maybe some help with it all would give you the energy and enthusiasm for sexy time. Or whatever works for you.

Just remember this is him at fault not you for choosing him. How were you to know what he would be like as a father pre kids if he acted and told you different to how he actually is

LameBorzoi · 17/10/2024 23:32

BestEffort · 17/10/2024 23:20

These posts always piss me off. It's great for those of us who's men are joy this way but for many of us these men don't show they are this way until AFTER you have a child. Then what do you do? Split up and still do it all hit get the social judgment of being a single mum or put up with it? And half the time the splitting up option means you knowing have to send your child to a lazy parent when you know if you stay together at least you can do it all and they do t suffer from his laziness.

It's fine to say have that frank conversation of what you expect. From the very start insist they do half etc. But what if they don't? Do you tell your kids they can't do the club because daddy won't pull his weight? Do you forgoe holidays and luxuries because you can't face working full time and all parenting so you quit your job?

Yes there are great men out there but there are many many who are not and who looked great until kids were in the mix. That's not the woman's fault. Sometimes we need to vent, get ideas from others who understand how we can improve the situation before we throw the towel in and leave thus sentence our kids to a life of financial hardship and still having to do it all ourselves anyway. Telling women in this situation that she made a bad choice and how amazing your partner is does not help anyone it just kicks her while she is down.

Op my advice is stop doing his washing and food. Batch cook on the weekend so you can just heat up the evening meals. Make mum friends to share club drop offs with. Have a serious think about if you can or want to do this alone- will he have kids 50/50 thus you get all the help you wanted and time off to boot. Or will he continue to do nothing so now you are in the same situation just poorer. Or will you be poorer if he's paying you maintenance and covering half the childcare? Once you know what you are prepared to do then give the ultimatum if you plan to follow that through. If you don't plan to follow it through then find other ways to change things. Treat him like a puppy and train him- reward the behaviours you want etc. Tell him a clean house is part of foreplay and so sexy, maybe some help with it all would give you the energy and enthusiasm for sexy time. Or whatever works for you.

Just remember this is him at fault not you for choosing him. How were you to know what he would be like as a father pre kids if he acted and told you different to how he actually is

Based on the threads here, a very large proportion (NOT ALL) of men do show who they are before kids come along. A lot of women just do the work because it's doable before kids.

I also think that it's useful to show that there are men who do pick up the slack, especially for women who don't have kids yet but might want them.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 17/10/2024 23:55

Elphamouche · 17/10/2024 21:22

I disagree with “we were told we can have it all and we can’t”.

Me too. "Having it all" doesn't have to mean doing it all.

DiscoinFrisco · 17/10/2024 23:59

Write it down in a spreadsheet. Everything. Then take it to him and say which things are you going to take responsibility for?

Not 'help with'. Do not say 'help with'

TheUsualChaos · 18/10/2024 00:04

So when he gets home, he starts with whatever is left to do. Or, you stop trying to do too much and leave things for him to take care of after work as well. You both work together until everything that needs to be done that evening is done.
You both work hard. His work doesn't trump yours because he has a commute. Is his drive home harder than doing the school run, dinner, homework etc all by yourself?
You have to keep going straight after work. He can too.

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/10/2024 00:50

StartingOverInMy40s · 17/10/2024 22:32

I hate to say it but women don't have to do it all - if that's the way you feel then you probably will end up doing it all.

I have an amazing partner who does a very manual job but still insists on sharing the load despite me offering to do more as I'm really conscious that his job is more tiring than mine.

Tonight he's come in from a twelve hour shift and told me to sit down while he cooks tea as he could see I was tired. I offered to cook as I knew he must be exhausted himself but he sent me to watch tv with a Pepsi max and a biscuit.

I know I'm lucky but I also know I wouldn't stand for anything other than a partnership.

You can do better op.

That's the thing. So many women are willing to settle.

Men don't change THAT much. But women get so desperate that they accept anything and then complain about the predictable outcomes.

Better to stay single and childfree forever than resign oneself to these useless "men." Have some standards or suffer the inevitable consequences.

Your husband sounds great btw!

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/10/2024 00:51

Getonwitit · 17/10/2024 21:40

Women don't need to do it all, they take the load on. How many women have sat down with the man in their life before getting married or moving in together and had a frank conversation, pointing out that they are not his mummy or his housekeeper, how many have pointed out they will only live in a 50/50 household How many talk about how money and chores will work during (and only during maternity leave) How many have said you will not shop for his family's cards and presents and that you will only carry half the mental load ? Very few will have had that conversation and if you haven't you only have yourself to blame.

Well said!

Raise the bar, women!

GreyCarpet · 18/10/2024 04:18

BestEffort · 17/10/2024 23:20

These posts always piss me off. It's great for those of us who's men are joy this way but for many of us these men don't show they are this way until AFTER you have a child. Then what do you do? Split up and still do it all hit get the social judgment of being a single mum or put up with it? And half the time the splitting up option means you knowing have to send your child to a lazy parent when you know if you stay together at least you can do it all and they do t suffer from his laziness.

It's fine to say have that frank conversation of what you expect. From the very start insist they do half etc. But what if they don't? Do you tell your kids they can't do the club because daddy won't pull his weight? Do you forgoe holidays and luxuries because you can't face working full time and all parenting so you quit your job?

Yes there are great men out there but there are many many who are not and who looked great until kids were in the mix. That's not the woman's fault. Sometimes we need to vent, get ideas from others who understand how we can improve the situation before we throw the towel in and leave thus sentence our kids to a life of financial hardship and still having to do it all ourselves anyway. Telling women in this situation that she made a bad choice and how amazing your partner is does not help anyone it just kicks her while she is down.

Op my advice is stop doing his washing and food. Batch cook on the weekend so you can just heat up the evening meals. Make mum friends to share club drop offs with. Have a serious think about if you can or want to do this alone- will he have kids 50/50 thus you get all the help you wanted and time off to boot. Or will he continue to do nothing so now you are in the same situation just poorer. Or will you be poorer if he's paying you maintenance and covering half the childcare? Once you know what you are prepared to do then give the ultimatum if you plan to follow that through. If you don't plan to follow it through then find other ways to change things. Treat him like a puppy and train him- reward the behaviours you want etc. Tell him a clean house is part of foreplay and so sexy, maybe some help with it all would give you the energy and enthusiasm for sexy time. Or whatever works for you.

Just remember this is him at fault not you for choosing him. How were you to know what he would be like as a father pre kids if he acted and told you different to how he actually is

Did these men really look that great before kids were in the mix though? Really?

I just don't believe that the country is teeming with men who were kind, loving, respectful egalitarians pre children who then just stopped the minute a baby was born.

And if you are completely blind sided by his behaviour because he is one of the ones who was genuinely ok before children, then stop at one. Don't keep having babies and trapping yourself further.

Bunnyhair · 18/10/2024 04:29

ETA: meant to quote @Baddaybigcloud !

Amen. I am so tired of posters gleefully deriding other women because their husbands have gradually, boiling-frog-style, transformed from devoted equal partners (pre-kids) to into lazy entitled selfish turds (post-kids) - and they don’t have the financial means to just LTB at the drop of a hat.

You married an amazing bloke who does everything with a smile? Go off and enjoy him then, and stop shitting all over women who are already having a hard enough time.

Bunnyhair · 18/10/2024 04:33

GreyCarpet · 18/10/2024 04:18

Did these men really look that great before kids were in the mix though? Really?

I just don't believe that the country is teeming with men who were kind, loving, respectful egalitarians pre children who then just stopped the minute a baby was born.

And if you are completely blind sided by his behaviour because he is one of the ones who was genuinely ok before children, then stop at one. Don't keep having babies and trapping yourself further.

Show quote history

Short answer: yes. Is that so hard to believe, or do you prefer to assume that the women who find themselves in these situations are just stupid? It’s easy to be an equal partner when there’s fuck all housework and everyone’s getting enough sleep.

Barney16 · 18/10/2024 04:57

Someone on another thread it's hard when you realise you have become their housekeeper and their mother. That sort of sums it up really.

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 18/10/2024 05:04

You both work so it should absolutely be 50/50.
Like you alternate days where someone cooks and household chores are split like he does the washing You do the cleaning.
How long has he got away with it do for? Think this should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago.

Bangwam1 · 18/10/2024 06:19

Women only do it all if they allow it. Get yourself a partner and to the trash with this one if he doesn’t step up. He is a man child, no woman needs one of those.