Fed up of women having to do it all

[indecisivewoman81]

Need a rant.

I'm so fed up of having to not only work full time but do all the school drop offs and pick ups, make all the meals in the house, do all the washing, take the kids to clubs, do the food shop and my DH just looks after himself.

He gets up, showers and goes to work...

If I die I want to come back as a privileged man!

I am exhausted from trying to do everything. I literally feel like I run from one chore to the next whilst trying to hold down a full time job in management.

Just lost my shit and we've had a massive row.

Apparently he works hard!

I said to him if I died what would you do? He said "well I'd have to do it"

And there ladies and gentlemen is it in a nutshell.

He doesn't feel he has to.

Fuck me I'm raging!!

@Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours ditto!

@indecisivewoman81 I do all of that and it can be utterly shit. But equally I am sitting watching a film with a curry right now and nobody messing up my house or bothering me..,

Bet his mum did absolutely everything for him until he moved in with you. Washed his pants, cooked his dinners, made his bed. He won’t change. This behaviour is hard wired into some men in that they’ve become conditioned to accept it from women.

They don't have to,
Women need to stop entertaining lazy men.

Not every task has to be shared equally but there does have to equal share of overall effort. If DH's working day is 14 hours 5 days a week and they put up with massive stress to generate a good income in a job they would rather not do (as many do) then fair enough, they can help at the weekends. Otherwise.... DH needs to understand that the 1970's are ancient history.

You are doing what millions of women do every day in the uk believe me!

Women have an avalanche of messages from society to teach them to serve others so that's why you feel like this.

Think of yourself as two humans. Is human 1 doing more emotional, physical and mental work? If so this needs to be redistributed.

Write out the jobs and who is doing what in a long list and then you can see clearly who is bearing the load. Not just the doing but the mental load/responsibility for it.

Take back control of your life. I read a good book lately called Womanhooded which might be a good start xx

It's not just UK men Op, on a US site recently a woman posted her text messages with a guy from an dating site_ he wanted a Trad wife, one who'd do the housework and the child care. When she said she'd want a Trad DH, one who made all the money he called her a gold digger. Too many men want one job but their wife to have two, one paid and one at home

Sorry but I think it’s more that you just have a terrible marriage.

Too many women definitely do far too much physical labour and cognitive labour.

By the answers on this thread not all partnerships are like this but far too many are. That’s obvious when you look around in real life.

We as women have been socially conditioned to absorb all the responsibilities in life. We are conditioned to be caregivers, which was fine back in the days when women didn’t also go out to work but today when we also hold down full time jobs we also carry most of the mental load (and in your case OP the physical load too!).

I’m not defending your partner but many men have not been conditioned to even notice stuff needs doing, never mind actually doing it! We should be having these conversations before we marry and have kids but unfortunately no-one tells us this. Perhaps you need to start having that conversation now. Make him see that he’s not pulling his weight. Look at where you’ve perhaps taken on the responsibility of stuff without even being aware of it. Be honest with yourself about whether you’ve been a ‘gatekeeper’ of certain things and you’ve fallen into certain roles subconsciously. It will benefit no one if you go to him accusing him. I say all this but I’m angry too at this Situation!

I said to him if I died what would you do? He said "well I'd have to do it"

The only answer to that is "well if you died it would make no difference to me because I do it all already!".

I think the problem is your husband, not women doing it all.

I’m currently lying on the sofa, with a glass of wine and a bowl of olives. My husband has taken the washing he put on this morning (and the children) upstairs to dry/(wash/book/bed). I certainly didn’t get the memo of having to do it all, not even sure I do half!

Sack him off and get a man who’s not a twat.

DH came home from work, changed the baby, made a bottle and made me a drink. Went out for an appointment and is now on his way home to help bath the baby and cook dinner. This is a rare occasion. He does more than his share.

Yes I do the lions share of the mental load, but he does 75% of the house work, 50% of the baby as he takes over when he’s home. He splits the nights even though he’s working when I need him to.

YES!!! This is the one!!

Stop doing it all. Don't cook for him, just cook for yourself and the kids. Don't do his laundry or any other chores relating to him. Do what you need to for you and the kids and he can do his own stuff. I don't get people who do all this and complain about it, just stop.

Two choices here.

1. Stop doing everything.
2. Continue doing everything but quite working.

Why do you put up with it? What you allow will continue. You'd be much happier single

It does seem to be a major challenge with women’s progress in society that we have become equal in expectations around work…

… but the same can’t necessarily be said for men’s equal contribution to domestic life.

Most women I know feel like you OP - not necessarily they do everything, but they are certainly the ‘managers’ and are responsible for everything domestic.

It’s hard. I think this is part of the reason people are having smaller families - it’s really hard to have a full time job and kids, and meet everyone’s needs (including your own - which typically come last).

Nah, no sympathy.

I'm nearly 60 and would never even think about being with a man who thinks women are men's skivvies. I see it a lot - especially with younger people for reasons I can't fathom. As well as the older generation who grew up with it. I feel like a stranded sane generation sometimes, as I see this far less in my age group. I recently travelled for a couple of days with a 30 something colleague who'd left her husband 2 packed lunches and 2 dinners, and was complaining about having to clean up his mess when she got home. I didn't say a thing but I feel annoyed with both of them. It's like feminism never happened.

People chose who they marry. I doubt it's a recent change on his part.

The only way to stop this being normalised (which it is in many relationships) is for women collectively to say fuck this shit. And individually to have higher standards.

He won't change. Will you?

I am too but exh still manages to make my life more difficult but putting a lot of energy into fighting off any kind of mental load.

You don’t have to do it all….

stop washing his clothes

stop making him dinner

Stop organising visits and birthday presents etc for his family

stop accepting his packages etc from delivery people

OP hasn't come back to say why she doesn't stand up for herself.

You need this group OP

www.facebook.com/share/g/JpgaQ2wULv6MpmsZ/?mibextid=K35XfP

It's not all men it's that man.
He chooses to do nothing because he values his time and effort and he places no value on your time and effort.
What you do about it is up to you, do you accept it? or stop working for him? Hand wash your own plate cup cutlery, not his or the children's. Don't ever load or unload the dishwasher.
Don't ever wash his clothes, towels etc etc
Don't have sex with him because why would you?

I don't do it all and I'm a SAHM at the moment. I certainly didn't do it all when I was working. I hope you can put your foot down to get some equality in your life OP because this is not ok. He should want to do his share because he loves and respects you.

Women? If someone wants to be a martyr that is on them

And no 'we' don't have a society problem the women who choose their, and to stay with, partner they have a partner problem it is not all women

I do stand up for myself.
It hasn't always been this bad.

And I stay with him because we have fun together, we have shared interest and love each other.

I think the problem comes from the fact that he does a long commute and I don't.

So by the time he is home I've done (what I feel) is the lions share. And he is knackered. But so am I

At the weekend when we are both off, he does more and will happily do all the ironing. He isn't all bad ( I was ranting) but does need to recognise that I am not sorely responsible for the day to day running of the house and children.

When I tell him I'm sick of doing dinners etc he says well don't; but he won't be bothered to cook.

I know things need to change.

I agree with a previous poster; we were taught to have it all and we can't.

My mistake in believing others had similar experiences; clearly I am the mug.

I don't want a divorce but I do want change.