Fed up of women having to do it all

[indecisivewoman81]

Need a rant.

I'm so fed up of having to not only work full time but do all the school drop offs and pick ups, make all the meals in the house, do all the washing, take the kids to clubs, do the food shop and my DH just looks after himself.

He gets up, showers and goes to work...

If I die I want to come back as a privileged man!

I am exhausted from trying to do everything. I literally feel like I run from one chore to the next whilst trying to hold down a full time job in management.

Just lost my shit and we've had a massive row.

Apparently he works hard!

I said to him if I died what would you do? He said "well I'd have to do it"

And there ladies and gentlemen is it in a nutshell.

He doesn't feel he has to.

Fuck me I'm raging!!

No, they are pointing out that this is not a 'men in general' problem, this is 'the OP is married to a misogynist who thinks she's a household appliance' problem. That it's not some kind of inevitability, That men's penises do not in fact get in the way of them mopping floors, cooking meals, or operating a washing machine.

You don’t have to do it all. You set out your stall from the start. DH and I split nights 50/50 from day 1. We both work FT, both do appointments, parties, school stuff, house stuff, everything.

Quite.

@EggnogAnd

No, they are pointing out that this is not a 'men in general' problem, this is 'the OP is married to a misogynist who thinks she's a household appliance' problem. That it's not some kind of inevitability, That men's penises do not in fact get in the way of them mopping floors, cooking meals, or operating a washing machine.

Well said 👏🏻

No, you really don’t have to live like this OP. It’s not a universal experience at all.

By very longstanding agreement, DH does all the food shopping in this house. It's something he can't forget, decide we can manage without or put off for three weeks because of work pressures (unlike, say, cleaning the toddler's teeth, which I was perturbed to find he regarded as a sort of optional extra).

Agree with pp. Why are you choosing to put up with this? Nobody is forcing you to stay in a relationship with a self serving misogynist. Just stop doing anything for him and tell him that you want a divorce.

I couldn't be arsed with a man who didn't want to pull his weight. Raise your standards.

Of course she's not alone in this. And if she'd started a post with a title specifically about her, she'd have had different responses. But if you're going to title a post saying that "women have to do it all", you're going to get responses that of course we don't.

Would you prefer we lied to the OP and said 'Yes, women have to do it all, so just get used to it'?

Surely that would be ridiculous?

I threw several twats back in the early days of dating, I refuse to believe in the majority of cases that the signs of this sort of behaviour are completely absent early in a relationship. You picked a shit one, so now all you can do is really keep on at him that you are no longer accepting this sort of behaviour, he may change, but this far in it’s the only option you have, if not then you are better without him.

It’s the message Women can do anything. It’s some how been translated as women can be everything.

It’s not sustainable. We cannot do it all. You have the options, but you can’t do everything.

@Baddaybigcloud I broadly agree with you. It isn't as simple as some make out is it. There are so many variables.

It's a deeply rooted belief held by many men and women. I sometimes ponder if some men who do stuff DEEP DOWN actually feel they are still "helping" etc.

My DH probably believes he's absolutely equal party. He DOES do stuff. But doesn't carry any mental load. He'll do stuff if it's a FECKING GAPING HOLE or I specifically ask him.

Mind you, looking at the way he was bought up he's come A LONG WAY!! (Eg clothes not only washed and folded but put away too. Feck that!!)

My challenge is to bring up DD and DS up differently. Which of course I try to. But when DH works so many more hours than I do (and I'm FT) it's only reasonable that I cook, etc etc. (much as I hate it!)

I don’t understand why you would put up with this. It sounds like you’re his servant? You need to take some responsibility and sort out a more equitable balance of household tasks. The situation you are in somewhere along the line has been a choice.

DH does half the clubs, one out of ten school runs, cooks once a week but I’m a sahm to now school aged children.

You sit him down and tell him that from now on all the household chores and childcare will be getting split 50/50 or split according to the amount of hours each of you work per week. If he refuses then he can just fuck off can't he.

Just stop.
Let the washing build up until everyone runs out of clothes.
Don't clean or tidy - eventually someone else will snap.
My husband does the majority of our housework. When he thinks he's doing it all, he just relaxes, I take the hint and pick up the slack.

Have it all they said. Do it all they meant.
Its never ending.

This was normal some time ago when many mothers worked part time or not at all. Although I think fathers did their share of drop-offs and pick-ups because fewer women drove. That was certainly the case in my friendship group (born early 1970s).

Not now though. You're being mugged off OP.

But there’s no point flying off the handle with him, ranting on here, then changing nothing. That’s just martyrdom. Pointless.

I'll just leave this here...

He’ll never change OP. The dynamics of your relationship are set. You’re the giver and he’s the taker. It’s not an equal relationship and never will be.

Every so often something will happen to make you angry and kick off. He’ll make some half assed attempt to pretend he really cares about you so you don’t leave him, he’ll try different tactics including getting angrily defensive, being dismissive, even promising you the world when he thinks you’ll actually leave. Then he’ll get comfortable again when you stay together, and you’ll revert back to being his servant to avoid more arguments.

It’s no way to live. I’ve been there. A lot of women on this thread have been there. Don’t let this be the blueprint for relationships that your children think is normal or acceptable. It’s not.

The only way to stop this cycle happening over and over for the rest of your life is to end the relationship.

I stopped doing everything for my husband a year before I actually ended it. The dirty clothes he left lying around got dumped in a pile on the floor of the spare room. I stopped letting our kids use the back garden where he’d leave cigarette butts lying on the ground.

I gradually pulled away until I could clearly see who he really was, not who I met or wanted him to be. I could see how badly he was treating us and stopped making excuses for him.

Probably been said, but go on strike. Don’t wash/iron his clothes, don’t cook for him, do nothing personally for him.

He’ll soon get the message. Then arrange to hire a cleaner/ironing service.

And if you died, he wouldn’t have to do it. He’d find another woman to do it. My ex goes from girlfriend to girlfriend, using them all. In between girlfriends, he goes back to his parents and his mum does it all for him. These men don’t change.

I've just working upstairs while my husband was downstairs making tea.

So you need to set some boundaries and divide the chores.

Let him look after himself then. In every way. I mean do fuck all for him. It's the only way to stay sane.

Did he used to contribute more domestically and now doesn't or was he always lazy/unfair/sexist?