To hate how I am with DS?

[lookinthere]

DS is nearly 4. I find him so difficult; always have to be honest. He isn’t a bad child but he pushes my buttons.

He is so unbelievably boisterous to the point where even hugging me feels aggressive - flings himself at me, gets right in my face, if he cuddles up to me he’s constantly kicking as well.
tell him not to I hear you say … well I do. Over and over. Listening skills are dire, he just doesn’t listen to a fucking word I say and I do find that so frustrating. On holiday he walked right to the edge of some stairs with no bannister or safety railing and ignored me yelling at him to move (was carrying younger child so couldn’t physically intervene) it was really stressful as I had a load of people at the top shouting down at me to get him to move and had to admit he doesn’t listen to me.

The not listening is probably at the root of our problems as I just feel like I talk to him and he doesn’t hear me although I’m fairly sure that he does. It means to get through to him I have to be snappy, horrible really and it’s awful.

Have you had his ears tested?

Get his hearing checked even if you think it’s ’fine.’ Just because a child can hear a sweet packet opening at 50 paces doesn’t mean that all aspects of their hearing is within normal range. Eliminate possible hearing issues first.

Have a heating test? Have school or his previous nursery said anything?

I don’t think being snappy is the only solution. Get down to his level and explain things.

My son is like this and he is autistic. You have recognised that your reaction isn’t ok so niw you can change it. First step is to figure out the cause - hearing , autism, something else?

My nephew is like this and has an 'auditory processing disorder'. His mum felt just like you do, until they found out what the problem was.

He 100% hears me. Just ignores me

Not many 4 year olds would move when you yell at them to, quite the opposite, actually. You were lucky there.

Maybe get hold of a book called How to talk so Kids will listen. Do you talk gently to your child and explain things or just give loud instructions ?

Is his dad in the picture? Are you a lone parent?

I’ve read that book but I didn’t find it very helpful to be honest with you.

my instinct isn’t to yell at him and I don’t as a first … but when you talk ‘normally’ to him he doesn’t respond.

I’m not a lone parent.

How is he at nursery? Do they have any concerns?

I have had no real concerns raised at nursery other than the fact he isn’t reliably potty trained, which I’ve obviously tried to address.

Its OK to be frustrated. My DS was the same, he is a teen now and I still shudder to think of those years, the stress was unreal. People used to say things like 'wait to they are teens, that's when it gets tricky' and i think, hell no you never met my DS as a preschooler.

At nearly 4 he is capable of following direction and understanding consequences. To be honest i think you need to have him assessed. In the interim look up sensory seeking behaviours and how to regulate. A few private OT sessions may really help you manage him until something more formal is diagnosed or he grows out of it.

I know he’s nowhere near being assessed for any sort of condition. I’m not saying this necessarily means he doesn’t have one but at the moment he’s not meeting the criteria. Time will tell; frustrating though.

123 magic by Thomas Phelan is a very good book for kids who don't listen. It's a simple system involving hand gestures and immediate consequences to avoid wordy instructions that get ignored.

I’ve heard good things about that, I’ll order a copy.

I would personally say if he doesn't listen I less you shout at him start telling him you will no longer shout, he will listen or there will be consequences, then follow through on them. Every. Single. Time.

He'll listen when he learns you ask once then he loses a toy and that's it. Or you ask once and then there's no ice cream and that's it.

He doesn’t give a shit, honestly. It’s really hard to sanction because there’s nothing he’s really bothered about.

There has to be something he loves, find it and use it. No child in the world is happy with no toys, no sweets, no playing at the park, just keep going until he releases life is nicer if he listens.

At 4 he is old enough to understand that he cannot kick you while cuddling. If he keeps kicking you out him down, he can choose what he wants to do more, cuddle or kick, he can choose kick if he wants to but that neans no cuddles. There has to come a point where he realises that he can do what he wants or have a nice time and he will start to want the nice time.

no toys taking every single toy away isn’t really possible or practical. And he’d just take his sisters, he isn’t all that into toys

no sweets at the risk of sounding pompous he doesn’t have sweets, he isn’t massively motivated by food anyway

no trips to the park I personally don’t think this is a great sanction for not listening but unlikely to be effective. More a punishment for me.

He might hear you but does he understand you?

I’m pretty sure he does. He’s very nearly four. But yes I do wonder. I wonder about a lot!

Have a chat with nursery and ask them if they're concerned that there's anything underlying his sensory seeking and lack of two way communication. They might have suspicions but not know how to address them with you.

I have done … I’ve been worried about him for ages but in many ways he doesn’t seem to be different to any other three year old. It’s so hard to say. And in fairness even if there is a condition or reason it doesn’t make the communication between us any easier.

What's his spoken language like?