To hate how I am with DS?

[lookinthere]

DS is nearly 4. I find him so difficult; always have to be honest. He isn’t a bad child but he pushes my buttons.

He is so unbelievably boisterous to the point where even hugging me feels aggressive - flings himself at me, gets right in my face, if he cuddles up to me he’s constantly kicking as well.
tell him not to I hear you say … well I do. Over and over. Listening skills are dire, he just doesn’t listen to a fucking word I say and I do find that so frustrating. On holiday he walked right to the edge of some stairs with no bannister or safety railing and ignored me yelling at him to move (was carrying younger child so couldn’t physically intervene) it was really stressful as I had a load of people at the top shouting down at me to get him to move and had to admit he doesn’t listen to me.

The not listening is probably at the root of our problems as I just feel like I talk to him and he doesn’t hear me although I’m fairly sure that he does. It means to get through to him I have to be snappy, horrible really and it’s awful.

Ah thanks @NamechangeRugby he’s lovely sometimes but he does push my buttons, really does!

My son was like this, he is autistic. It was a mixture of not understanding, not remembering and not wanting to do as told.

We had to go nuclear at him with his aggressive cuddles because he was at risk of hurting granny, then grandad, then me. It was very upsetting but he did learn.

He's 16 now and whilst still overly physical he is the most kind and caring boy you could meet.

I know you said you didn’t find the “how to talk” book useful, but are you consistently trying out the techniques in there? So for your TV example, are you making sure you’re in his eye line and have his attention and then asking him to move? If he’s distracted by something else it may be that he genuinely just isn’t hearing you.

Assessing for auditory processing disorder is a great idea. Worth talking to school if he’s there yet about how well he follows multi stage requests, how we he listens in a noisy environment etc.

The hard hugging also sounds like sensory seeking behaviour and there are lots of things you can do to help with that, like weighted blankets etc.

Or it may be just a phase! When my youngest was about 6 I just felt like he was away with the fairies half the time, but when I spoke to his school teacher she was like “nope, he’s totally normal and they’re all like that at this age - they just drown you out if you’re telling them something they’re not interested in, or they don’t want to hear”

He is at a tricky age and should definitely get easier!

My advice would be to work out when he’s like this.
It sounds like it’s often when you’re just wanting to relax in front of the TV and he gets bored.

I personally would do things that tire him out - going for walks/park, trampolining, swimming etc

Then at home keep him mentally busy with crafts like drawing, painting, making things etc, also stuff like Lego, play an instrument, helping to cook, playing the PlayStation etc.

If he’s anything like my DD, she needed a lot of attention/to be kept busy and I found tiring her out and then setting her up with crafts and things to keep her mentally busy, meant she behaved.

It also meant I could relax after work more because although I would be ‘involved’, it would be a lot less than if I hadn’t set the things up.

@Ozgirl75 the techniques don’t work for us as they seem to assume a level or articulation that DS just doesn’t have (or to be honest any three / four year old I know.) As an example, it cited a three year olds tantrum over the TV being turned off being stopped in its tracks by inviting the three year old to share what he liked about the show. My DS wouldn’t be able to verbalise that, he’d just keep whining for me to turn it onnnnn, mummy. I’m just not a mega fan of those books. Plus, it just isn’t my natural register.

Thanks @Choochoo21 , it is a tough age and I need to remind myself of this! Everyone complains about kids not listening but it is SO frustrating!

@lookinthere yes I must say I didn’t find it natural to talk to my kids in that way, but the idea of making sure they knew I was talking to them before I spoke did work well. I had a habit of calling out from another room and then being surprised when they didn’t respond.

I would definitely talk to his teacher or pre school about it as they are so good at picking up on any differences and if there are any issues it’s great to pick them up before school. One of my friends’ sons has APD and school have done some simple things like making sure he’s always sitting facing the teacher, getting him to write directions down, I think he also has an audio loop set up.

With my son I'd have to phrase asking him to move completely differently.
"Hey dude, come sit here with me" and when he comes over I'd make a fuss of him.
He is spectacularly autistic and asking him to do something just for the sake of it wouldn't appeal to him but if he comes over and I can praise him, "Oh I love you sitting here so I can give you a big snuggle" and so on.
If I was to ask him simply to move out of the way even for a safety reason he'd look at me like I was a bellend for suggesting that being stood next to open flames or something wasn't the best plan ever.
Autism or no Autism I've found non listening kids to be like cats, they're not listening until they hear something that piques their interest, you might have to pique that interest before going into with requests until listening skills have improved.
Get him to be your buddy around the house so he engages more.
I have loads of kids so I like to do little things to make them feel special so one child carves the (cooked, we aren't psychopaths) chicken with me and gets the oysters. Another one does some kitchen cleaning with me and we put some stand up on in the background and have a giggle. (Don't recommend that with a four year old) but just to involve him. Before you give him a job say, "we need our listening ears on now" and he'll listen because he'll enjoy your time together. It'll improve listening skills and you'll have that time for you to be the mum you want to be with him.
I detest baking cakes etc but my kids love making them, if you can cope with some Crispy cakes maybe to start off, nothing too huge to go tits up with Crispy cakes!
Good luck, I think we all think we're going to be different mums than how we end up being.
I thought I'd be a really fun mum who makes dens and let's the kids use glitter and playdoh whenever they wanted.
Last time they got glitter out I needed my sertraline upping.
We all have our limits x

Frustratingly I’ve tried that ‘ooh, why don’t you come and sit with me DS?’ Nope. My suspicion is he knows exactly what he’s doing and knows exactly why I’m asking him to sit with me! I think this is what is so frustrating though, that the nice ‘oh, come sit with me’ doesn’t work and the DS MOVE OR I WILL SWITCH IT OFF does.

Do you spend much time 1:1 with him? My son is similar to yours (he's 5 now) when he feels like he isn't getting enough positive attention from me. But I find after carving out time just me and him, he is more happy to do what I ask him. Not easy when you have another child I know!

I do try but yes like you say hard when you have another child!

As someone else earlier on said, look into auditory processing disorder (apd) and also get his hearing checked.

Yes fair enough! I have this to come, I'm sure.

I’m not sure if you saw my earlier post OP, but I definitely think you should ask for a speech and language therapist to assess him, after having his hearing checked.

Here for the handhold OP. You’ve had lots of great advice already, but in case it’s helpful, these are the things that have worked for us

• check his hearing. I know PP have said this but it’s worth getting it checked. My DS is prone to a build up of wax, and I know when it’s time to reach for the ear drops when his behaviour suddenly and inexplicably goes a bit wrong. It’s just that he didn’t hear me properly
• I hear the gentle approach doesn’t always work, but what’s worked for us is giving positive instruction rather than negative. Eg it’s still really firm, not wishywashy or ‘why don’t you do this’. But it gives clear instruction of what you want them to do. So instead of ‘don’t stand in front of the TV, people can’t see’, what about ‘take two big steps over there because people can’t see the TV’

The difference those things have made in our house is unreal. Nothing works all the time and there are obvs inconsistencies but even so