To hate how I am with DS?

[lookinthere]

DS is nearly 4. I find him so difficult; always have to be honest. He isn’t a bad child but he pushes my buttons.

He is so unbelievably boisterous to the point where even hugging me feels aggressive - flings himself at me, gets right in my face, if he cuddles up to me he’s constantly kicking as well.
tell him not to I hear you say … well I do. Over and over. Listening skills are dire, he just doesn’t listen to a fucking word I say and I do find that so frustrating. On holiday he walked right to the edge of some stairs with no bannister or safety railing and ignored me yelling at him to move (was carrying younger child so couldn’t physically intervene) it was really stressful as I had a load of people at the top shouting down at me to get him to move and had to admit he doesn’t listen to me.

The not listening is probably at the root of our problems as I just feel like I talk to him and he doesn’t hear me although I’m fairly sure that he does. It means to get through to him I have to be snappy, horrible really and it’s awful.

Pretty good, no delays or impediments. Does have a tendency to ramble on and frequently changes the topic, doesn’t always give very clear answers.

My nearly 4 yo is also going through a not listening stage. She definitely hears me; she’s just being stubborn. When all other sanctions don’t work I send her up to her room for time out because I think it’s about attention. I’ve been laying on the positive recognition really thick and it does seem to be improving things.

This sounds like my daughter at 4 when she was in full time school they started noticing issues and by age 6 was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. She's 7 now and medicated and the change has been incredible. I felt at times that I struggled to have a bond because of behaviours but she would be very physically aggressive with me. Look up ODD. I'm not saying any of these things he has but may be worth looking into as he sounds like my daughter

Thanks. Impossible to say if it’s just being 3/4 or whether it’s something else. I find a lot of the time if I say not to do something or to leave something alone he just completely ignores me so then you end up raising your voice … not a pleasant atmosphere. He’s better out of the house but that’s not always possible.

I do need to spend more time connecting with him, just so bloody tired and drained at the moment.

This sounds a lot like sensory seeking behaviour and impulsivity both signs of neurodivergence. He needs more sensory input? He needs sensory input to calm down.

My son will often become dysregulated to the point of dangerous sensory seeking behaviour when he is anxious.

He has sensory input but the main issues are ignoring what you say or not responding. I often feel there’s a wall there, like I can’t reach him properly.

Could you get a speech and language assessment? That would show what his level of understanding is.

You need to try it though because if there's absolutely no consequences then why would he bother to listen?

Could you flip it the other way so that he earns something?

5 marbles in a jar = 5 more minutes tv time? (Or anything else that he really likes? Extra time at the park maybe?)

I know it's hard when you feel you're in a parenting rut (have been there!!) But you and your partner could agree to shower him with praise for every single little thing he does well?

You did so well at looking after your sister! You shared so well! I liked the way you smiled just then. You tried so hard at xyz today.

Even if he's sat doing absolutely nothing at all "You're being so calm and playing so nicely"

Almost think of it as forming a new habit.

(Also...I have had 2 x almost 4 year olds, plus I used to be a Reception teacher...it's a hard age...for them and us...I think they're growing up, getting new siblings, school is on the horizon and they're finding their independence and personalities more. It's a lot!)

He does have consequences but they aren’t effective in changing his behaviour.

So we have something like

‘DS, don’t stand in front of the TV’
’DS, can you move over please, no one can see the TV’
’DS, the TV is going off unless you move!’

He moves but gets angry with you. It would be rather nice if he could just cooperate without threats and getting cross. But maybe that’s just not realistic.

If you mention something like that he just whines on endlessly about it @SussexLass87 . I’m not sure he understands tbh.

I thought exactly the same at that age. Subsequently got autism diagnosis and 4 or 5 years later moved to special school. Preschool did not pick up on it. I thought I was a terrible mum (still do at times). To many, many people he would not appear autistic yet he needs to be in a special school and he makes me feel exceptionally incompetent as a parent.

Are you the only person he ignores OP

What's he like with other adults.

What's his behaviour like on days out or shops ?

I’m almost positive that he’s not special school level. He may or may not be on some sort of spectrum but definitely nowhere near special school intervention level (and I teach in a special school so I do feel confident giving that response.)

He ignores his dad as well 😂 but fine with everyone else.

He’s fine in shops, likes to touch things but normal I’d say.

This was and is my son.

He listens but thinks he knows better. And will do it anyway.

School helped a bit. He's compliant there. But he generally thinks I'm an idiot and he knows better.

The good news is he's an actual genius.

I found 3-5 the most frustrating.

It helped lowering my standards and just letting a lot slide.

My 4 year old is EXACTLY the same. Constantly hurting me, but not deliberately? It's so strange but even her cuddles hurt like she squeezes me reaalllyyyy hard, enjoys kicking and bashing into things at full force, never listens etc. She's not like this at school (Reception) and I have discussed the possibility of her having ADHD or autism or SOMETHING going on but the teacher looked at me like I was mad cos she's "so gentle and quiet"

I think they probably are ten times worse for us than anybody else! It’s a pain though, I feel like I’m constantly telling him off.

Presuming you're right and he's NT, I found this advice really helpful with my toddler. Caveat being mine is only 2 and I know they only get more stubborn! Only repeat yourself twice then make it happen. And phrase what they can do, not what not to do.
Eg
DS please move away from the TV, we can't see it.
DS can you move a bit, you are blocking the screen.
Ok, it seems like you're having trouble doing what I've asked and moving away from the TV, so I'm going to help you.
Then pick him up physically and move him.

It really helps me feel less annoyed that I'm being repeatedly ignored and over time I think it's helping him learn that he won't get away with pretending not to hear me.
Sometimes I'll count down from 10 very calmly then do it if he hasn't. Not a threat, just explaining that once I reach the end, I'll be helping him move aside, or he can do it himself first.
After months of this now I just start counting and he complies.

www.huffpost.com/entry/the-f-ing-fours_b_5366318#:~:text=Power%20struggles%20are%20common%20between,child%2C%20and%20can%20escalate%20quickly.&text=The%204%2Dyear%2Dold%20brain,and%20self%2Dcontrol%20originate).
This might be useful

Maybe he needs to be shown via actions rather than words?

‘DS, don’t stand in front of the TV’
’DS, can you move over please, no one can see the TV’

Gently take him by the hand and guide him to where he should stand

“Here you go DS, this is a great place to stand”

Although, mine would probably just go straight back to where they were previously stood!! But worth trying a few different approaches that aren’t just language based?

Does it help if the instructions are shorter?

My DS was like this at 4/5. And the nursery did refer him for a hearing test. I knew he didn't need it, he just didn't have interest or time for anything that didn't interest him. Thankfully a lot did interest him, but taking time out of the thing he was utterly absorbed in to go to the loo, not so much. Sleeping, not so much. Always erring on the side of caution, not so much.

I don't think they comprehend punishment, cause and effect as well as just enormous amounts of love, attention and guidence. He is only little once. If I could go back in time to those moments when I expected more of him than he could give, I would go back in a heartbeat and just enjoy his quirky amazing little self. I wasted so much energy and time trying to hit all the independent milestones ... Unless there is some underlying issue, he will get there when he is ready, boys can be a good bit later. Safety is paramount - but much better he knows you are approachable and he understands why he needs to hold hands etc, than always handing out discipline. You need him to trust you and absolutely love you. I don't mean be over indulgent, I just mean, no need to tie yourself in knots with discipline as he is probably smart and will run rings around it. He needs to have a firm bedrock of love and trust so you have a solid relationship through the teenage years.

Relax a bit. You are doing great. He will get there and whilst you may be utterly knackered atm, it does get easier soon.

@HiCandles … yeah, that’s the sort of gentle approach isn’t it? I have never found that effective if I’m honest. It seems to work on the assumption that they just can’t help themselves and that’s maybe true at two but it wouldn’t work (as well as the fact I’d sometimes have to shove rather than lift!) At nearly four they are often just too big to manhandle into compliance!

Although, mine would probably just go straight back to where they were previously stood indeed 🤦🏼‍♀️ 😂