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Original poster

For not responding to save the dates

68 replies

NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:29

I'm starting to realise this is becoming a bit of a thing and now starting to think perhaps I am in the wrong.

My kids get invites to parties all the time, as kids do. Sometimes parents first send out a save the date, but later follow up with an invite.

In my mind, I'm not expected to confirm attendance to a save the date - especially when I don't have details re time/location. Perhaps I'll acknowledge it but not do more.

But a couple of times recently, I've had people send me some passive aggressive messages about not having confirmed attendance.

Most recently, the comments came because someone followed up a save the date to ask if we would be attending a party. So had replied to say "I don't have an invite so please send me the details". So they then sent the invite and implied I didn't get it before because I only added an emoji to the save the date that was sent some months back - I didn't actually respond.

I hate messaging as it is, I'm really introverted and fully prepared to accept I'm wrong here. I just never understood a dave the date to be the same as an invite.
(I'm in the UK, for context - in case that makes a difference )

OP posts:
wiesowarum · 17/10/2024 10:32

Save the dates for birthday parties?
I'd be ignoring those too tbh.
Accept or decline within reasonable time of receiving actual invitation.
It's all got a bit mad.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 17/10/2024 10:35

I think an acknowledgement that you've received the message is fine. Saving the date seems a bit much fir a kids' party. I suppose if they've booked a venue... Personally I would probably text back "In the calendar!". It's a bit unfair to expect you to give a definite yes if, as you say, you don't know the time or whether you'd have to drive hours to get there.

minipie · 17/10/2024 10:37

Hmm in my view a save the date for a child’s birthday party basically IS the invitation. It just means they haven’t finalised the booking yet (possibly can’t until they have numbers).

They want people to respond so that if loads of kids can’t come they can change the plan or booking to suit.

If I send a save the date I tend to put “please let me know if you can make it” at the end, for this reason, do yours not do this?

SJM1988 · 17/10/2024 10:38

Not replying to an invite is rude but a save the date doesn't require a reply surely. Its an FYI don't book anything for this date sort of thing.
But then I have never had a save the date for a child's birthday party.
For what it is worth though....I'd class an emoji as a response and would have sent an invite to follow up.

Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:42

minipie · 17/10/2024 10:37

Hmm in my view a save the date for a child’s birthday party basically IS the invitation. It just means they haven’t finalised the booking yet (possibly can’t until they have numbers).

They want people to respond so that if loads of kids can’t come they can change the plan or booking to suit.

If I send a save the date I tend to put “please let me know if you can make it” at the end, for this reason, do yours not do this?

If I definitely knew I couldn't do it, I would have said. But I left a heart emoji. I just expected at some point to get an invitation before having to respond fully.

OP posts:
Fromage · 17/10/2024 10:42

Save the date for a child's party? How revoltingly precious. Your kid's turning 6, it's not a royal wedding.

Do you want your child to be friends with this child of a lunatic? I can't imagine this level of stress is going to be good for you to engage with.

TeenToTwenties · 17/10/2024 10:43

To my old fashioned mind, save the dates are just that, a heads up as to a future invitation. They don't require an answer, but are more 'we would love you to attend so don't want you accidentally booking something else and being disappointed about a clash'.
If I knew up front I couldn't make the date I would say so. I may still book a holiday over that date too depending on inviter and event.

I think they are only useful for key wedding guests and maybe big family birthday/anniversary celebrations.

Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:44

minipie · 17/10/2024 10:37

Hmm in my view a save the date for a child’s birthday party basically IS the invitation. It just means they haven’t finalised the booking yet (possibly can’t until they have numbers).

They want people to respond so that if loads of kids can’t come they can change the plan or booking to suit.

If I send a save the date I tend to put “please let me know if you can make it” at the end, for this reason, do yours not do this?

Nope, there was nothing asking for a response.

I had a recent save the date that did ask for a response and I replied to that.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/10/2024 10:45

Good lord, what fresh hell is a “save the date” to a children’s party?

I don’t really approve of them anyway, as it’s basically tying someone in to an event that they don’t know anything about, and preventing them from policing declining if it transpires to be something they don’t want to do!

KnickerlessParsons · 17/10/2024 10:46

I don't understand the difference between a "save the date" and an invitation. If someone is asking you to keep a date free, surely that implies that you are invited to the event - may be the details like time and date are to follow, but you're being invited.

Or can you be asked to save the date and then not be invited?

usernother · 17/10/2024 10:46

A save the date for anything is for information only. The invitation should follow and be responded to with a yes or no to attending the event.

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:46

if you know you can’t make, just drop a line

Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:48

KnickerlessParsons · 17/10/2024 10:46

I don't understand the difference between a "save the date" and an invitation. If someone is asking you to keep a date free, surely that implies that you are invited to the event - may be the details like time and date are to follow, but you're being invited.

Or can you be asked to save the date and then not be invited?

The main difference for me is time and location. So yes, I know i'm invited. But my ability to attend will be impacted by these other factors. So i wouldn't want to commit and later find out it isn't going to work. Especially if it's a commitment that has to be given 4/5 months in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:48

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:46

if you know you can’t make, just drop a line

This I would definitely do

OP posts:
toastofthetown · 17/10/2024 10:50

I wouldn’t respond to a save the date, unless it had RSVP details on it. I view a save the date as information that their event is happening on that date if you want to keep it free, and your RSVP to formal invitation later. But we did receive a save the date for wedding recently which had RSVP information on it, so we responded to that. From my wedding a few years ago, we sent out email save the dates, and around 10-15% of people responded, but it was very much a “we’re looking forward to it, very exciting!” than a “we accept your invitation, Harry is allergic to fish and Maude is vegetarian”.

ARichtGoodDram · 17/10/2024 10:50

A save the date for a children's party is ridiculous.

A wedding save the date is an indicator that you're going to be invited to an event that will be, at least, most of the day and evening.

A save the date that doesn't give any clue if the kids party is 10am-12 or 4pm-6pm is utterly useless other than the knowledge that Tommy's mum has booked a party that day so if your child and Tommy have the same pals might be an idea not to book the same day.

Expecting people to commit to something with no venue or time is ludicrous.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 17/10/2024 10:51

I wouldn't respond unless it had RSVP on it. It's a save the date, not a confirmed invitation.

minipie · 17/10/2024 10:51

Don’t the save the dates generally give broad timing eg afternoon or morning? Ours do

as for location… IME primary kids’ parties are generally within a short journey… or the parents are going to transport everyone

mynameiscalypso · 17/10/2024 10:51

Our school WhatsApp group uses save the dates sometimes - normally to check that nobody else is planning a party at the same time.

Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:55

mynameiscalypso · 17/10/2024 10:51

Our school WhatsApp group uses save the dates sometimes - normally to check that nobody else is planning a party at the same time.

I totally get that. I'm fine with it - parents effectively marking out the date they are gonna be going with. There's been times when some kids have ended up having to rearrange because they've landed on a date they didn't know someone else already booked. So i get it from a practical perspective. It's just the responding bit I just didn't expect

OP posts:
earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:56

how many times have you actually been “passively aggressively” chased OP?

toastofthetown · 17/10/2024 10:58

KnickerlessParsons · 17/10/2024 10:46

I don't understand the difference between a "save the date" and an invitation. If someone is asking you to keep a date free, surely that implies that you are invited to the event - may be the details like time and date are to follow, but you're being invited.

Or can you be asked to save the date and then not be invited?

Generally a save the date is sent out soon after booking the venue to everyone you plan to invite, so that if they want to attend they can keep the date free. It’s poor etiquette-wise to not invite someone who has had a save the date outwith some external factors.

An invitation is sent closer to the time, when more details are finalised. You aren’t likely to know what the menu options are and many details for the day you may wish to include in an invitation, and many guests won’t want to commit that early, so asking for an RSVP closer to the time makes more sense. Dietary requirements change, people might not be able to attend for other reasons which came up in the interim, and partners change. I had a save the date addressed to my cousin and his partner, but the partner had changed by the time the wedding came around. Chasing RSVPs from invitations sent out over a year before sounds like a nightmare to me.

Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:58

minipie · 17/10/2024 10:51

Don’t the save the dates generally give broad timing eg afternoon or morning? Ours do

as for location… IME primary kids’ parties are generally within a short journey… or the parents are going to transport everyone

Nope, nothing but a date.

Re location- in the past year my (primary aged) kids have been to maybe 6/7 parties that have been about an hour away from us/school.

The last party this person invited us too, took me over 2hrs to get to.

If i have a rough time and location, it's a lot easier to decide on. But I'm literally talking about just being given a date.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:59

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:56

how many times have you actually been “passively aggressively” chased OP?

Three.

OP posts:
earlylunch · 17/10/2024 11:01

NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:59

Three.

Show quote history

and what has the message actually said?

“could you let me know?”
or something more “aggressive”?

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