For not responding to save the dates

[NotASoccerMum]

I'm starting to realise this is becoming a bit of a thing and now starting to think perhaps I am in the wrong.

My kids get invites to parties all the time, as kids do. Sometimes parents first send out a save the date, but later follow up with an invite.

In my mind, I'm not expected to confirm attendance to a save the date - especially when I don't have details re time/location. Perhaps I'll acknowledge it but not do more.

But a couple of times recently, I've had people send me some passive aggressive messages about not having confirmed attendance.

Most recently, the comments came because someone followed up a save the date to ask if we would be attending a party. So had replied to say "I don't have an invite so please send me the details". So they then sent the invite and implied I didn't get it before because I only added an emoji to the save the date that was sent some months back - I didn't actually respond.

I hate messaging as it is, I'm really introverted and fully prepared to accept I'm wrong here. I just never understood a dave the date to be the same as an invite.
(I'm in the UK, for context - in case that makes a difference )

I’ve never had a save the date for a birthday party, and I’ve never thought of a save the date as being something that requires a response (and I’m far from flaky and response to most invitations, in some form or another, pretty much immediately).

On the one hand I get people see it as annoying. On the other we were already given a date for next spring/summer for a couple of my 8 year old daughter’s friends as they are taking a small group to see a show and want to book in advance. I guess for those wondering why you’d need one for a kids birthday it’ll maybe be for something like that. One of the mums said they will do a meal before or after but she will sort that detail nearer the time. For now it’s just the show booking they are making.

I’ve never received a save the date for a kids party.
Nowadays when parties are much smaller than when they were younger we might get a message saying planning x party on x date can you make it? Because if 2/4 of the guests can’t make the date it’s not really going to work.
Whole class parties was just an invite a month before and whoever came came

A save the date isn't an invitation - there's no need to reply! God people are going mental.
You don't RSVP to a wedding save the date!

Pre-invitations for invitations? Fuck that.

For a kids party I would assume the "save the date" is because they don't want to book an activity for up to 20 if only 8 will show up.

I would respond without definitively accepting or declining eg "we don't have anything major booked in that weekend but the diary does get quite full, so will have to confirm once we know exactly where/when, but count B as "highly probable"

I had a DC whose birthday always fell in the school holidays. I always had to sound people out to get a rough idea of how many would be around for a party before I booked anything. Never went so far as a "save the date" though.

I would consider a save the date in this situation to be an invitation requiring a response, but not necessarily a definitive response. So I might say, "Johnny would love to attend if he can - depending on timing and location". Or more likely, I'd be specific (but lots of people get twitchy about that) and say something like, "Johnny would love to attend but we have football in the morning and I need to take Mary to her drama in the afternoon so it will depend on logistics"

@earlylunch - no, that's not where i'm picking up the irritation from the other party. It because of the referencing the fact that they are having to chase me because I didn't respond to the save the date. And that I would have been sent an invite with details sooner (after i requested one) if i'd responded to the save the date.

That's fair. And to save issues in the future, I'll probably do this sort of thing a bit more. I don't want to fall out with people over it. Really wanted to get a sense of how unreasonable I was being.

But I can also just try and be more kind. Doesn't cost me anything right.

Ok, gonna go get some work done now. But appreciate all the responses. Overall, i've decided I haven't been altogether unreasonable. But knowing how some people do feel about these things, I can try to be more considerate.

Yes, I think treat it as an invitation bcause it's probably because they want to nail down dates and numbers, but that doesn't mean you have to commit fully.

I do think some people can be a bit entitled in that they then don't bother to firm up details and you're holding the entire day free so it's reasonable that if they expect you to respond, you expect them to provide more info relatively soon so you can plan accordingly.

We have this with one of DS' sports activities -they have an annoying habit of not selecting final teams until 24 hours before. But if DS is playing, I need to organise childcare for DD and if he's not, I don't. But as he only plays about half the time, it's not practical for me to do this organisation until I know. Drives me mad.

I don't really think its that deep.

This is the date we're doing a party, you know to keep it free or not book yours to clash. Or don't go. Simple.

No big deal IMO

Does a 'Save the date' thing also have time and location of said event?

If not... how the hell do you know you'll be attending??
I'd not be committing myself to vagaries.

so they just sent you a message to ask if you would be coming or not?

I thought this was going to be about weddings! For a kids' birthday party it's even more insane.

Save the dates for kids parties!! What on earth is happening to this world.

On a serious note, no I wouldn’t respond to a save the date either and would wait for an invitation.

What fresh hell is this??? 'Save the dates' for a children's birthday party??? Jesus Christ the entitlement of this!

Parents - if you are one of the parents buying into this complete and utter crap, PLEASE STOP! Just be sodding normal and send out a party invitation 2 weeks before!!

FML 🤦‍♀️

OP - I'd ignore the precious darlings Save The Date! I'm not 'saving a date' for a 7 year olds birthday party 😂😂

I've never heard of save the date for kids parties but I would respond with yes or no, some people obviously want numbers to plan what they are actually doing.

I could understand it, at holiday busy times of the year, were lots of people tend to be away.

But I'm sure the parents will soon find out that people still drop out last minute.

Well that’s just daft.

In that case I think it would be reasonable to say “hopefully we’ll be able to make it, depending on time/location!”

Bloody rude to expect parents to save a whole day and also to expect them to travel that far.

I think you should be replying. Its a communication that people obviously want a reply to or you woulnt be getting passive aggressive messages.

If a venue holds 15 people and you're one of the first 15, they then know whether they either have spare places for something prebooked they send out invites or it gives them an idea on numbers for drciding what venue or activity to booking e.g. 5 people cinema, 10 people, soft play, 20 people village hall and a bouncy castle.

I assumed a save the date was just an indication of the possibility/probability of something taking place, to be confirmed by invitation, when the RSVP would be sent.

It's annoying isn't it!

I've just had a "save the date" for the weekend before Christmas to attend some as yet unconfirmed/arranged party for someone I have nothing to do with anymore. Clearly they're doing a bit of a "rent a crowd" and asking everyone they vaguely know in case people are busy with other things.

The show and possibility of meal before or after at least gives an idea of times and places.

The OP is talking about save the dates that simply have the date. No other details. Thats what's pointless, and quite rude as it's asking people to save the whole day and commit to travelling to an undisclosed location.

I wouldn't acknowledge a save the date either, as I'd want to know the time and location before committing.

This 👆