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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About who should get up with the kids

56 replies

rainingitspouring2 · 17/10/2024 06:04

I have 2 small children under 4. My DH works shifts. I get up for all the night wakes, breastfeed and get up everyday at 5am when my youngest wakes up , do breakfast, the nursery run or watch them both all day do bedtime all on my own etc

When DH is off for a chunk of time I ask if he can get up with LO at 5am sometimes especially if I am working that day. He doesn't like doing this at all - says I WFH and his job is not comparable to mine so if he has any disrupted sleep he should still get a lie in as my job is 'easy'. However I am still disturbed as my youngest always comes in the bed on my side and leaves him alone and I still would like to have some rest so when I log in at 9am for work I dont feel like I've lived 100 lives before facing the tasks at hand. I'm also not asking for it often just now and then.

Should mothers just accept this is part of the load of motherhood?

AIBU?

OP posts:
AperolWhore · 17/10/2024 06:08

Absolutely not, it’s fine when he’s working for you to get up but he should do a few wake ups when he’s off. Personally I would bugger off got a night when he’s next off and leave him too it for 24-hours to see how he gets on.

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

Icanttakethisanymore · 17/10/2024 06:13

Of course not. We take it in turns (I’m currently working and DP is a SAHD) but we took it in turns when we were both working too. Getting up at 5am isn’t the end of the world if you don’t have to do it every day. When it’s every day, it really wears you down. Especially in the winter. This morning I’ve had a total shocker and been up since 4am with the baby who’s got a bad cold but yesterday my DP got up so it’s manageable. You’re supposed to be a team. I can’t understand how he can let someone he loves struggle day in and day out. If I were you I think I’d hate him.

PruBerry · 17/10/2024 06:13

I have so many friends in your situation and I can never believe they accept it. Of course he should do his fair share when he’s not working!

DNAwrangler · 17/10/2024 06:13

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

They’re his kids so he should take care of them…

Icanttakethisanymore · 17/10/2024 06:14

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

Are they not his kids? I am assuming they are …

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/10/2024 06:15

Who wanted the children most? That’s the person who does the shit bits. This is why I’m currently up in the cold and dark feeding ducks and horses and cleaning up their poop.

Clarabell77 · 17/10/2024 06:16

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

🤣🤣

That wasn’t the question, but I’ll indulge you with a reply. They’re his kids too.

Theunamedcat · 17/10/2024 06:19

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/10/2024 06:15

Who wanted the children most? That’s the person who does the shit bits. This is why I’m currently up in the cold and dark feeding ducks and horses and cleaning up their poop.

Fucking seriously? Children are a joint decision joint responsibility ffs is this how low we have gone here "you wanted them" SHE NEEDS SLEEP

ThisOldThang · 17/10/2024 06:21

@rainingitspouring2

Do you work full-time?

101Nutella · 17/10/2024 06:22

He should get up with them in a split that works for you both.
he should also do bedtimes
if his shifts are incompatible with family life- he should consider a different job.

that is active participation in family life. The fact he doesn’t see your job as a real job as you WFH suggests he’s probably some sort of misogynist so you’re going to have issues. He wants you work for money but doesn’t respect it. Does he split the house work and mental load seeing as you both work?

im sorry you’re going through this. I have a 1.5yr old. Bf, working and we split night wakings as sometimes it’s just a resettle. We both WFH and on site. We split bedtime . It will readjust when I stop feeding too.
so don’t listen to his nonsense.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/10/2024 06:27

If he was working 9 to 5 you would take turns at the weekend and he could do bedtime but shift work needs a different plan. He needs one good sleep after last shift ( you never get that of course), and then he should do the early mornings for a day or two if he is off. Also at night when he is not a work he should do bedtime with the oldest child so it's a little less pressure n you. What about nurses who work shift? Are they never on childcare dduty when they're off? He is completely out of order but if he has no sense of responsibility for his children, no interest in looking after them and no heart for you he is a pretty horrible person.
My dh who had a very responsible job in a medical field always got up early before he went to work so l could get an extra hour after feeding a few times during the night. But his dad was hands on and so was mine although it was the 60s and they were both extremely busy self employed guys.
Shift work is awkward. Does he have to do this or could he change? But he still has to pull his weight. How you get him to do this is another story. It's all bout to lead to total resentment on your part.

Fleur240 · 17/10/2024 06:33

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

🙄

OrangeSlices998 · 17/10/2024 06:36

On his days off yes he should be parenting equally including the early mornings. Mums don’t automatically do every 5am wake, even when I was a SAHM my husband would often get up at 5am if the kids woke so I could get another hour of sleep. Your husband is a prick!

RedRobyn2021 · 17/10/2024 06:40

Yes he should be doing his fair share

He's belittled what you do as well, it's not right

RedRobyn2021 · 17/10/2024 06:43

PruBerry · 17/10/2024 06:13

I have so many friends in your situation and I can never believe they accept it. Of course he should do his fair share when he’s not working!

It's really common isn't it? Makes me sick

But what are the women supposed to do with these overgrown selfish man-children?

If they're not budging then the only option is to leave them, which sometimes would make life worse. So they stay and accept it.

I think I'd probably rage a lot and then leave. I couldn't be with someone who viewed my contribution as "easy" looking after young children is not easy

CharlotteSometimes1 · 17/10/2024 06:48

I was a sahm and we took turns at the weekend, additionally if for whatever reason I was shattered my DH would do some extra early or night wakes with the dc. It’s called being a team, or just plain old being parents.

Heavier · 17/10/2024 06:49

My ex was like this. I wish I’d put boundaries in place although he may just have left sooner & I felt I tried but my concerns were put down to being a nagging wife. He didn’t think he should have to do the kids stuff as he provided ‘all’ the income (except I was working too, albeit part time, in a professional role in the same industry as him).

I think you need to explain that taking on it all is not fair and try to find a compromise. I hope he listens and it gets better.

User37482 · 17/10/2024 06:50

He’s sefish and doesn’t care if you are tired as long as he’s not put out. Thats basically the crux of it, he just doesn’t care.

DH pitched in with night waking and early morning and I’m a SAHM. It’s just doing your bit as a parent to look after your kids and doing your bit as a spouse to stop your wife collapsing from sleep deprivation.

It sometimes astounds me how selfless so many women are with their families and how utterly selfish so many men are

PearTreeBoat · 17/10/2024 06:58

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

But they are also, presumably, his kids too so why can't he take care of them every once in while???

Jennyathemall · 17/10/2024 07:02

CharlotteSometimes1 · 17/10/2024 06:48

I was a sahm and we took turns at the weekend, additionally if for whatever reason I was shattered my DH would do some extra early or night wakes with the dc. It’s called being a team, or just plain old being parents.

This. He worked ft, I was the sahp and could catch up on sleep during the day. I did getting up at night during the week. At weekends we took in turns. Also I could also catch up on sleep during the day at weekends. It’s unreasonable to expect someone in a ft job to be getting up every few hours every night and still be able to perform properly at work.

LuckyOrMaybe · 17/10/2024 07:02

Look, my dad was not a hands on dad at all. But, 50 years ago when I had chronic glue ear and spent the first 4 years of my life unable to sleep more than an hour or so at a time unless held upright - my father was on duty from 5 am every day so my mother could get some sleep.

showersandflowers · 17/10/2024 07:03

We do everything 50/50. Neither of us has it "easier" and neither of us contributes more financially (I earn £3k a year more than him but on a monthly basis that's not a lot). We both get up. Neither of us "deserves" the lie in over the other. That's just plain selfish.

Unless he grew the kids, birthed them and breastfed them as well as working full time, then he might get a break... oh no... wait...

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 07:08

I am guessing your marriage is otherwise…. pretty crap?

Bobbybobbins · 17/10/2024 07:09

Sounds like you both work so get ups should be equally split.

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